Well I'm assuming you're making it a fantasy/medieval atmosphere. So you can't use slang, such as loner, even in your descriptions. As for "people", well it's (I believe this is the word) blatant. Maybe use "townsfolk", or something along those lines.
Find me a better word than "loner" then.
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Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
It's an awesome idea, but you are writing like you are still in middle school. We have to feel the suspense. We have to hear the rain. I am just not feeling it.
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GameMaker Competitions - Winning is a Gift only YOU can Experience Yourself!!!
The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain. But not just small droplets, huge balls of water were falling down from the heavens, making all the sand beneath their feet began to liquify. Floods were happening and all people were forced to higher elevation, like the great city of Denorsa. Though many just stood on their ground, waiting to die...
Okay so we have the title and we know that it's raining where it never rained before. And we also know that it's depressing. So to be able to make it dark and detailed, we need to make our sentences more metaphorical and a lot more shorter.
Here is how I would change it.
So, instead of "The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain", say something like:
Where doom shines, there is always light somewhere. This time, however, there is no such thing. The shield from the heavens magnifies the darkness, and made everything life giving turn into destruction.
Rain...
The Keroshac is shielded by the great covers of doom. The heavens are locked away and nothing but hell is left inside. The air become thick. The ground becomes into a vacuum of sand. Some flee to a great city or Denorsa, where the great stone walls are like an armor to a knight. However, there are men, woman, and even children, who stay... Waiting for the great Demon to eat them from the inside."
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GameMaker Competitions - Winning is a Gift only YOU can Experience Yourself!!!
Okay so we have the title and we know that it's raining where it never rained before. And we also know that it's depressing. So to be able to make it dark and detailed, we need to make our sentences more metaphorical and a lot more shorter.
Here is how I would change it.
So, instead of "The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain", say something like:
Where doom shines, there is always light somewhere. This time, however, there is no such thing. The shield from the heavens magnifies the darkness, and made everything life giving turn into destruction.
Rain...
The Keroshac is shielded by the great covers of doom. The heavens are locked away and nothing but hell is left inside. The air become thick. The ground becomes into a vacuum of sand. Some flee to a great city or Denorsa, where the great stone walls are like an armor to a knight. However, there are men, woman, and even children, who stay... Waiting for the great Demon to eat them from the inside."
Just horrible. This is more of a rewording to how you would write it. Not only that, but your rewording is horribly cheesy. After reading line #2 I wanted to scratch my eyes out. This DEFINITELY feels like middle school writing. Ew.
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Find me a better word than "loner" then.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
If you don't want it to be as good as it can be then that's hardly my problem.
GameMaker Competitions - Winning is a Gift only YOU can Experience Yourself!!!
Okay so we have the title and we know that it's raining where it never rained before. And we also know that it's depressing. So to be able to make it dark and detailed, we need to make our sentences more metaphorical and a lot more shorter.
Here is how I would change it.
So, instead of "The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain", say something like:
Where doom shines, there is always light somewhere. This time, however, there is no such thing. The shield from the heavens magnifies the darkness, and made everything life giving turn into destruction.
Rain...
The Keroshac is shielded by the great covers of doom. The heavens are locked away and nothing but hell is left inside. The air become thick. The ground becomes into a vacuum of sand. Some flee to a great city or Denorsa, where the great stone walls are like an armor to a knight. However, there are men, woman, and even children, who stay... Waiting for the great Demon to eat them from the inside."
GameMaker Competitions - Winning is a Gift only YOU can Experience Yourself!!!
Just horrible. This is more of a rewording to how you would write it. Not only that, but your rewording is horribly cheesy. After reading line #2 I wanted to scratch my eyes out. This DEFINITELY feels like middle school writing. Ew.