I shouldn't have to explain it for it to make sense, though. Meh. Seemed like an entertaining idea when I was outside the oral surgeon this morning in the storm.
Sorry. I've never written poetry, which is why I didn't want to call it that. And I've never been to a workshop. Or had anyone read anything and actually offer advice.
I'll try this over.
What I attempted and obviously failed to create was an allusion to rape, through the violence of the storm and masculinity attributed to lightning and thunder, the "seedlings" on the window coming down to the flowers, the deflowering, the gasp, subsequent psychological deterioration, and, ultimately, ignorance of marginalized society.
Now, in my head, this makes sense, and the wording seems to fit. But I'm not a poet or poetic, or have any experience in poetry, and the words fell short.
I just don't understand why "dashed" wouldn't be a good word there. I mean, what would you actually suggest? What's actually wrong with it?
Do you only picture petals floating to the ground? How would you convey the violence on the petals by the storm, assuming the petals are not changeable?
In a storm, yes, I can see petals dashed to the ground in a torrent of rain. You won't understand the gasp if you don't understand the symbolism. If you don't understand the symbolism, I recommend Dictionary of Symbols, Penguin Reference. Look up rain. Use your imagination.
Nope, wrong. I'm not emo, and it's not about me. Or my gender. Try again. Researching basic rain symbolizm might help. Dashed sounds a lot better than "made their way quickly," in my opinion, but to each his own, I guess. Conveys the same general meaning but in only one word, and it's more dramatic.
Edit~
No, but you may be closer to the meaning than you realize.
I'm not really sure what to call this. If you can figure out what it's about, I'll give you candy.
Lightning flash. Thunder boom. A shake in the earth. Down the window like seedlings the raindrops, into the roses. Petals dashed to the ground, Gasping. Water over their surfaces in rivulets, down their faces.
Cannot escape, caught in the flood. Down the hills like lost souls the petals, into the gutter. Color fallen to the dark. Beaten. Defeated. Forgotten.
I'll try this over.
What I attempted and obviously failed to create was an allusion to rape, through the violence of the storm and masculinity attributed to lightning and thunder, the "seedlings" on the window coming down to the flowers, the deflowering, the gasp, subsequent psychological deterioration, and, ultimately, ignorance of marginalized society.
Now, in my head, this makes sense, and the wording seems to fit. But I'm not a poet or poetic, or have any experience in poetry, and the words fell short.
I just don't understand why "dashed" wouldn't be a good word there. I mean, what would you actually suggest? What's actually wrong with it?
Do you only picture petals floating to the ground? How would you convey the violence on the petals by the storm, assuming the petals are not changeable?
[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
dash
[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1[/font] [/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]dash[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]][/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Show IPA[/font][/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]–verb[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif](used[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]with[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]object)[/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1.[/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]strike[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]or[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]smash[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]violently,[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]esp.[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]so[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]as[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]break[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]pieces:[/font] [/font][font=Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]dashed[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]the[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]plate[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]into[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]smithereens[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]against[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]the[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]wall.[/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2.[/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]throw[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]or[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]thrust[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]violently[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]or[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]suddenly:[/font] [/font][font=Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]dash[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]one[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]stone[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]against[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]another.[/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3.[/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]splash,[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]often[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]violently;[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]bespatter[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif](with[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]water,[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]mud,[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]etc.):[/font][/font][font=Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]recovered[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]consciousness[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]when[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]they[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]dashed[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]water[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]in[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]his[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]face.[/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4.[/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]apply[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]roughly,[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]as[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]by[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]splashing:[/font] [/font][font=Georgia, Verdana, Aria
l, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]to[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]dash[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]paint[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]here[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]there[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]on[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]the[/font] [font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]wall.[/font][/font][/font][/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Georgia, Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font]
Edit~
No, but you may be closer to the meaning than you realize.