I've decided to oust my inner nerd by writing a fantasy novel. I've had a unique plot for about four years now, and now I'm finally putting it together. I hope to create five books - the original title of the series and the seperate books are likely to change:
The Halls of Valor:
Book One: Day of Ashes
Book Two: Return to Power
Book Three: Siege of the Forest
Book Four: The Fall of Hyton
Book Five: The Final March
Here is a sample, and I hope you guys give me some input to whether or not it is worth continuing:
The Halls of Valor : Day of Ashes 18 Chapters
Chapter One:
The small band of warriors continued north towards the once forgotten snow-capped mountains. Temperature fell steadily as they continued up the foothills and to the base of the peaks. The band showed no signs of halting or slowing their pace. They were loyal to Slaythe, commander and king of the Terronians from the kingdom of Terron. Slaythe’s mission for them was to investigate the regions surrounding the mountains. The band was so far from their homeland, but they did not care. Their lives and fate were in the hands of Slaythe, and they would die gladly for him.
The lands the band was now entering wreaked of war. The ground was composed of pebbles and sand, with the occasional larger stone. Most of the trees were stripped bare and black from the effects of fire. Many trees had ropes with nooses tied to the larger branches. The quarry of the ropes’ were likely decayed to the point of tearing loose. Either that, or something had retrieved the bodies.
The lands were filled with scattered bones and armor. Most bones were stripped of flesh and muscle, but some still remained on some, reminding the band that the battles here took place not that long ago – and they were likely the cause for some of the destruction here. There were old stone ruins, once buildings, that had the conditions of looking ancient, but they were far from it.
The sight was grisly to the once again visiting warriors, and the overcast sky seemed to match their moods. All except one.
Slaythe had no intention to see his band of warriors again, for they were only to protect his observer and oracle, Oscopus. Oscopus himself was a visibly evil man. He was long and stringy, as if he had not eaten for centuries. His skin was deathly pale, and his face looked older than it really was. He did not wear a helmet. Instead he let his thin, long, ragged hair drape over his shoulders and part of his back as if it were a makeshift cape. His eyes were always pressed narrow as if plotting murder, and they radiated evil. His eyes were black – even where the whites were supposed to be. Oscopus’s face was usually expressionless, except for the occasional snarling of his lip or the random twitches that terrorized him.
Oscopus seemed mentally unstable, yet that was a fortunate and false accusation. His twitches were involuntary. He noticed he was cursed with them after he was tortured and punished in Slaythe’s innermost chambers. The memories haunted Oscopus, and he swore never to upset and displease his lord ever again – otherwise torture and death would be received, as promised by Slaythe himself. The initial action that lead to Oscopus’s punishment was long forgotten due to pain and torment. It was best he forgot that anyway.
Fortunately, Oscopus felt that his newest task was a much easier one, and he would most likely not fail this one. Slaythe had sent him to the Forgotten Peaks in search of tribes or civilization. If life was to be found there, Slaythe wanted it vanquished. All the people of Terron unanimously agreed with that decision, as they always did. Slaythe was the king behind countless victories over unknown foes, much like his father, Slayto, who he was so eager to avenge. The people of Terron always enjoyed learning their forces were victorious time after time again. They never seemed tired of eliminating the innocent and likely harmless threats against their kingdom and people.
Slaythe had not sent a scouting party in a long time. Almost ten years it had been. He felt that the search would turn up something, since he was constantly bombarded with an unexplainable and seemingly realistic nightmare. He dreamt he led his entire army to the walls of an ancient city. Instead of leading his army, he departed and headed for the mountains, where he found an enigmatic dragon inside the darkest peak, which always roared, "Come to me, Slaythe".
Slaythe could not explain the dream, but he sent a band to the assumed region that he had dreamt of. His orders were to scout the area and return with reports. Refrain from entering the mountains, especially the darkest peak. Slaythe truly felt that the dragon was real, and a threat.
~~~~~~~
Oscopus reached the top of the hill that he sought after. As he and the band of fifteen elite Terronian warriors joined him, the wind picked up and swirled sand and dry snow at their feet. Oscopus looked down at the insignificant display, and then looked forward into the vast valley. He and the fifteen were awestruck.
In the valley was a lush coniferous forest stretching for miles towards the base of a dark peak. The same peak that Slaythe must have dreamt of. Oscopus recalled a glimmering light at the base of the peak. He focused his energies hard, and his vision became far more defined and zooming. He studied the glimmer and did not believe his eyes. His heart raced. He gazed further on it.
"What is it, Master Oscopus?", one of the guards mentioned eagerly. No word from Oscopus’s twitching maw.
"Master?"
"It looks to be a fortress!" exclaimed Oscopus. The warriors began talking amongst themselves as Oscopus kept his gaze.
"A heavily occupied one, at that!" The warriors began to cheer. They knew what Slaythe would order upon it. Destruction.
"Don’t get so excited just yet, you fools!" commanded the slender man.
"I sense they are not harmless. I feel that they contain some knowledge of battle."
"That makes it better to practice!" blurted one of the warriors. Oscopus swung around furiously and raised his open palm to the warrior. A sudden force sent the warrior backwards, falling hard on the solid ground.
"You imbecile! Have you no idea what this means? This civilization might have been here nearly as long as ours has! They may be cunning with magic or adept with combat! We can take no chances. We must report immediately to Slaythe. Our lord will be satisfied with our find!"
Hoping to regain his once heavily trusted allegiance to his master, Oscopus prayed that this find would erase all former mistakes created by him, thus delaying his someday imminent death from his lord. Slaythe will like this. He will love this. He will trust me again. Oscopus could only remain so enthused. It was something else to focus on besides his grisly tortures.
As the band turned their backs on the oasis-like valley, an expertly guided arrow whizzed just inches from Oscopus’s face. The band stopped in their tracks, and the fifteen warriors raised their glimmering shields in a dome-like structure. Inside, Oscopus was hidden from view.
"Who dares enters this kingdom with a band of elegant warriors?" erupted the well-armored archer atop the nearest great boulder.
"We are Terronians, from the kingdom of Terron, south of here by many days journey!" said Oscopus without hesitation.
"I am not familiar with the kingdom in which you speak, Terronian!"
"Nor am I with yours!" replied Oscopus, naturally.
The archer proudly announced, "This is the kingdom of Hostilia! Land of the great fortress of Barricus, the Pine Valley, the Black Spire, and the home to great and mighty king, Durad!"
"We are no harm to thee, young…?"
The archer again said proudly, "Gantus! And who are you, shielded by your divine guardians?"
Oscopus emerged from the protective dome, "I am Oscopus, the observer and oracle to our great and kind king Slaythe!" Oscopus gritted his teeth after falsely mentioning the king’s "kindness", especially to him.
looks good i read it all, keep it goin and i will continue to read
good descriptions of the surroundings( i had a picture in my head) and your'e words flow together nicely
*negative*
not sure how long this story will be but kinda seems like u rushed into things. Ive always been a fan of char development and would maybe like to get to know each of the chars a bit more.
please dont take the negative the wrong way it is mearly constructuve critisism and i shall continue to read you're story whether u makes changes or not because i do indeed like it as im sure many others will
Doesn't sound correct. I believe so needs to be taken out. By just the titles of the books, I can tell it will be a wonderful series. Keep up the good work.
-Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth.
I appreciate negative and positive criticism - it helps me.
Silver, I understand exactly what you mean about rushing into things. Don't worry, I will have more character details and events coming up. My original plot in my mind is a unique one.
This forum does seem to be a fishing net in a sea of potential authors
Positive:
Great names, do not sound cliche or strange to pronounce. And that is hard to come up with.
Interesting that an "evil" kingdom or so to speak seems to be the main country here.
Has potential
As for rushing things, there are so many ways t ostructure a book that I won't say whether rushing is good or bad. It can easily be either.
Negative:
As opposed to previously stated, I think the flow could be better. Many sentences seem to cut of rather shortly without connecting very well to the next. It quickly becomes irritating for me.
And as always be wary of expressions or words that may not suit the world in question.
PlugY for Diablo II allows you to reset skills and stats, transfer items between characters in singleplayer, obtain all ladder runewords and do all Uberquests while offline. It is the only way to do all of the above. Please use it.
Supporting big shoulderpads and flashy armor since 2004.
looks good man, i actually have been writing a novel as well, although im not sure if it will b a novel or short story. I got part of the plot worked out in my head but not all of it. i got about 2 pages written so far. ALOT more to write.
positive- nice descriptions and beggining
negative- more character developemnt, but depending on how ur writing the book it will b fine.
Positive-
Caught my attention and kept it:D
I liked the descriptions, although...
The oracle reminded me on the Necro from D2
Negative-
When you described the setting (mostly in the first two paragraphs) it seemed like your sentenced didn't flow together very well. I do the same thing:(.
Keep writing, it's awesome.
oh, is the break in there supposed to be a new chapter?
oh, is the break in there supposed to be a new chapter?
The Oracle - Now that you mention it, he does look very similar to the Necromancer on Diablo II - but Oscopus hasn't always looked like that. You will learn more about Oscopus's former glory before he was tortured.
The break - The break I just put in there to indicate a span of time had passed.
Here is the revised and complete chapter one. Please add more comments and opinions.
The Halls of Valor: Day of Ashes
Chapter 1
A beam of light pierced the dangerously gray looking blanket of clouds and seemed to follow the small band of soldiers. They continued north towards the once forgotten snow-capped mountains, in search for some answers. The warriors were clad in magnificent armor. They all wore polished plate armor from head to toe, and they each had a cape of dark crimson trailing behind them. Each cape had a pure white "T" intricately sewn to the middle of it. The "T" stood for Terron – their home city.
Temperature fell steadily as the soldiers continued up the foothills and to the base of the peaks. The soldiers showed no signs of halting or slowing their pace, for they were used to this. They were loyal to Slaythe, commander and king of the Terronians from the kingdom of Terron. Slaythe’s mission for them was to investigate the regions surrounding the mountains. The band was far from their homeland, but they did not care. Their lives and fate were in the hands of Slaythe, and they would gladly die for him.
The soldiers were now entering lands that had recently been tainted with the aftermath of war. The ground was composed of pebbles, sand, and dry snow with the occasional rusty arrowhead. Most of the trees were stripped bare and black from the effects of fire. Many trees had ropes with nooses tied to the larger branches. The quarry of the ropes were likely decayed to the point of tearing loose. Either that, or something had retrieved the bodies.
The lands were filled with scattered bones and armor. Most bones were stripped of flesh and muscle, but some sinew still remained on some. This reminded the warriors that the battles here took place not that long ago – and they were likely the cause for some of the destruction here. There were old stone ruins, once buildings, that had the conditions of looking ancient, but they were far from it.
The sight was grisly to the once again visiting warriors, and the overcast sky seemed to match their moods. Especially one in particular.
Slaythe had no intention or expectation to see his band of elite warriors again, for they were only to protect his newly assigned observer and oracle, Oscopus. Oscopus himself was a visibly evil man. He was long and stringy, as if he had not eaten for centuries. His skin was deathly pale, and his face looked older than it really was, due to massive scarring. He did not wear a helmet. Instead he let his thin, long, ragged hair drape over his shoulders and part of his back as if it were a makeshift cape. His eyes were always pressed narrow as if plotting murder, and they radiated evil. The eyes themselves were black – even where the whites were supposed to be. Oscopus’s face was usually expressionless, except for the occasional snarling of his lip or the random twitches that terrorized him.
Oscopus seemed mentally unstable, yet that was a fortunate and false accusation. His twitches were involuntary. He noticed he was cursed with them after he was tortured and punished in Slaythe’s innermost chambers. The memories haunted Oscopus, and he swore never to upset and displease his lord ever again – otherwise torture and death would be received, as promised by Slaythe himself. The initial action that lead to Oscopus’s punishment was long forgotten due to pain and torment. It was best he forgot that anyway.
Fortunately, Oscopus felt that his newest task was a much easier one, and he would most likely not fail it. Slaythe had sent him to the Forgotten Peaks in search of tribes or civilization. If life was to be found there, Slaythe wanted it reported, and then vanquished. All the civilians of Terron unanimously agreed with Slaythe’s decisions, as they always did. The Terronians always enjoyed learning their forces were victorious time after time again. They never seemed tired of eliminating the innocent and likely harmless threats against their kingdom and people. Slaythe was the king behind these countless victories over unknown foes, much like his father, Slayto, who he was so eager to avenge. Slaythe’s father had died some decades ago, after scouting the region far west of the Forgotten Peaks. Slayto’s death was the start of the last great war, which Slaythe would rather forget.
Slaythe had not sent a scouting party in a long time, due to fear of what may become of them, such as his father’s scouting band. Almost ten years it had been. He felt that the search would turn up something, since he was constantly bombarded with an unexplainable and seemingly realistic nightmare. Slaythe dreamt he led his entire army to the great walls of an ancient city. Instead of leading his great army, he departed and headed for the ancient golbin caverns inside the darkest peak, in search of a new tactic to use upon the fortress. While inside, Slaythe envisioned two glowing eyes in the darkness, accompanied by heavy, sinful breathing. He was mysteriously drawn to the eyes.
Slaythe could not explain the dream, but he sent a band to the assumed region that he had dreamt of. His orders were to scout the area and return with reports. Refrain from entering the mountains, especially the darkest peak. Slaythe truly felt that the creature inside was a threat, and it needed to be avoided.
Oscopus reached the top of the hill that he sought after. As he and the band of fifteen elite Terronian warriors joined him, the wind picked up and swirled sand and dry snow at their feet. Oscopus looked down at the insignificant display, and then looked forward into the vast valley. He and the fifteen were awestruck.
In the valley was a lush coniferous forest stretching for miles towards the base of a dark peak. The same peak that Slaythe must had dreamt of. Oscopus recalled a glimmering light at the base of the peak. He focused his energies hard, and his vision became far more defined and zooming. He studied the glimmer and did not believe his eyes. His heart raced. He gazed harder on it.
"What is it, Master Oscopus?", one of the guards mentioned eagerly. No word from Oscopus’s twitching maw.
"Master?"
"It looks to be a fortress! A very large one!", exclaimed Oscopus. The warriors began talking amongst themselves as Oscopus kept his gaze.
"Heavily occupied, at that!" The warriors began to cheer. They knew what Slaythe would order upon it – destruction, and they would take part in the demise of this civilization.
"Don’t get so excited just yet, you idiots!" commanded the slender man.
"I sense they are defensive. I feel that they contain some experience in battle, due to their large, enforced city walls."
"That makes it better for practice!" blurted one of the warriors. Oscopus swung around furiously and raised his open palm to the warrior. A sudden force sent the warrior backwards, falling hard on the solid ground.
"You imbecile! Have you no idea what this means? This civilization might have been here nearly as long as ours has! They may be cunning with magic or adept with combat! Or worse yet, they could be affiliated with those west of here! We can take no chances. We must report immediately to Slaythe. I think our lord will be satisfied with our find!"
Hoping to regain his once heavily trusted allegiance to his master, Oscopus prayed that this find would erase all former mistakes created by him, thus delaying his someday imminent death from his lord. Slaythe will like this. He will love this. He will trust me again. I will command the legions again. Oscopus could only remain enthused. It was something else to focus on besides his grisly tortures.
As the band turned their backs on the oasis-like valley, an expertly guided arrow whizzed just inches from Oscopus’s face. The band stopped in their tracks, and the fifteen warriors raised their glimmering shields in a dome-like structure. Inside, Oscopus was hidden from view.
An archer arose from behind the nearest boulder. He was carrying a very expertly designed bow, with two quivers of arrows on his back. He looked quick and nimble, and he was. His face was lean and well maintained. His armor was of hardened leather. It was likely shared by generations of his family, and the color of it matched the rocks and boulders in the region. The archer shouted.
"Who dares enters this kingdom with a band of elegant warriors?"
"We are Terronians, from the kingdom of Terron, south of here by many days journey!" said Oscopus without hesitation.
"I am not familiar with the kingdom in which you speak, Terronian!" answered the archer.
"Nor am I with yours!" replied Oscopus, naturally.
The archer proudly announced, "This is the kingdom of Hostilia! Land of the great fortress of Barricus, the Pine Valley, the Black Spire, and the home to great and mighty king, Durad!"
"We are no harm to thee, young…?"
The archer again said proudly, "Gantus! And who are you, shielded by your divine guardians?"
Oscopus emerged slowly from the protective dome and turned to the archer, "I am Oscopus, the observer and oracle to our great and kind king Slaythe!" Oscopus gritted his teeth after falsely mentioning the king’s "kindness", especially to him.
The archer took great relief to Oscopus’s comment. "I am glad to hear your king is a kind one! I would suspect he might be some type of menace, sending warriors scouting about without permission from our lord!"
Yet Slaythe was indeed a menace.
"Would you like to visit our great fortress of Barricus, Oscopus? Perhaps I could introduce you to our great king, and learn more about your kingdom." Gantus was far too kind to have just met sixteen strangers – armed strangers at that. Oscopus considered the offer, feeling he could learn what the Terronian army would be up against. Considering the finesse the archer had used to halt Oscopus, they would be no easy enemy, at least not right away. The entire time he talked with Gantus, Oscopus kept his black eyes from coming in direct contact with the archer’s. One glance into those eyes, and Gantus would have surely fired another arrow.
Oscopus later replied, "Sorry young Gantus, but we must go back to Terron and tell our king of your wonderful lands! Thank you for your very kind offer! Perhaps we will meet again shortly! I’ll be sure to try and urge Slaythe to come visit and talk with your king!" Oscopus knew how to be kind, learning from the lack of kindness from his master. He did not lie, however, about perhaps seeing Gantus again. Oscopus perceived to believe he would see him on the battlefield shortly, probably choking on his own blood.
Gantus watched as the sixteen turned their backs and walked away, seemingly anxious to get back and report to their lord, as was Gantus himself. He did not sense any good from them, only destruction radiated from the glimmering guards, and Oscopus wreaked of a coward. Gantus’s hidden companion and brother, Lytel, was behind another boulder on the opposite side of where the band stood. Lytel arose and shown himself to Gantus.
Lytel was Gantus’s older and only brother, and he too was an archer. Despite his age over Gantus, Lytel was not as skilled, therefore, he wore heavier, more protective chain mail armor. His body matched Gantus’s, but his face had more gruff. He had a fairly thick beard, but he kept it well trimmed. Lytel’s bow was similar to Gantus’s, for they were both gifts from king Durad.
"We should return to Barricus, Lytel. Did you sense the evil in them, despite their divine looks and kind words?"
"Yes," Lytel admitted, "are they the southern tyrants our neighbors to the west speak of?"
Gantus nodded, "I believe so. They are searching for another city to topple. I think they will have met their match again.
Gantus and Lytel slid down their boulders and walked towards each other while looking in the direction the band had departed. They met in the middle where Oscopus had once stood.
Still staring into the distance, Gantus spoke. "The slim one speaks as if his king means us no harm. Our neighbors have observed otherwise."
Lytel returned anxiously, "I hope this Slaythe indeed does come! I want to see him fall victim to Durad! It’s been a while since our king had last slain another of his significance!"
The pounding on the doors of Slaythe’s chamber woke him from his slumber, which was about to be broken by his nightmare again anyways. Slaythe lay slouched in his throne as he always was. He found the wood and stone uncomfortable.
"Come in!" demanded the king. Oscopus clinched his eyes shut before opening the doors. As he pushed, they creaked annoyingly. Slaythe closed his eyes and shifted his scalp to try and counter the annoyance. The room was very dim, and Oscopus immediately adjusted to the darkness.
"Master – Lord Slaythe…." Oscopus started.
"Silence!" Slaythe demanded. He rose from his throne. Oscopus’s master was one to be easily gazed at. Slaythe was a tall figure. His strength was shown in the calfs of his legs and his chest, if he chose not to wear protection over it. Unlike Oscopus, Slaythe’s hair was black as night and it was thick. He kept it in a neat ponytail most of the time, held by a dark crimson band, which also matched his radiant and silk-like cape.
This day Slaythe chose to wear armor. It was intricately designed, and beautiful. The armor was stained the darkest blue and the designs on it were painted in gold. The perfection of his armor also matched his face, which was clean shaven, tight, and perfectly designed. If not for the crimson eyes Slaythe obtained, he could almost be considered a god amongst men. Slaythe quickly paced down the marble steps. His cape bounced gently off of each step. Slaythe expertly drew his infamous blade and swung it towards Oscopus’s neck.
Oscopus stood still awaiting his death with eyes clinched. The tip of the blade halted and barely nicked the skin of Oscopus’s lump on his stringy throat. Oscopus should have known this would happen. This was Slaythe’s sense of humor – fright.
Slaythe erupted in evil laughter. "Sorry, Oscopus! I couldn’t help myself! I figured you’d expect death the next time you returned here. Fortunately for you, that day will be postponed – that is unless you have bad news to tell."
"N- No my lord! I have some rather exciting news to reveal to you!" Oscopus hoped this news would distract Slaythe from ever harming him again.
"Go on Oscopus. Enlighten me. I’ve needed enlightenment all day."
Oscopus mentally arranged his words carefully.
"We found a fortress near the black mountain you had dreamt of. The fortress lies at the base of the black mountain, and in front of the fortress lies a vast forest of pine, likely three or four miles in length."
Nothing could give Slaythe a larger smile. The great Terronian king was noticeably thrilled to have heard the news. Oscopus sighed.
"Were there any signs of life there? Were there any signs of a inhuman beast?" Slaythe asked.
Oscopus immediately replied, "Not of a beast, but of human life. The fortress is filled with bodies, my lord. We even met one of the locals – a scout I presume. We left him live as he did us. His archery skills were very good. The valley is supposedly named the Pine Valley, the black peak in which you dream is the Black Spire, and the fortress is named Barricus. I assume the fortress has a small army, probably led by their king, Durad. That is the information I accquired."
Slaythe, like Oscopus, replied quickly and confidently.
"Then that army shall be crushed, and all that live within that fortress. We must not let others threaten our solitude and reign of power! I will let our populace know tomorrow what our army seeks. I will meet this king Durad and will decide what number of soldiers to send afterwards."
"Very well then, my lord. Should I command the army?" Oscopus hoped to regain his significant role in the Terronian army.
Slaythe shook his head, knowing of Oscopus’s attempt, "Sorry Oscopus, but I have other uses for you. More important uses, I believe. I will use Ophir to command the forces. He needs some more experience before he is considered an elite commander."
Oscopus nodded his head as if he understood his reasoning. He then exited his lord’s chamber, and continued down the great hallway. Oscopus was once Slaythe’s most trusted army commander. Oscopus won countless battles and lost none – until his most regretted day.
Oscopus had battled against an enemy far west of where he recently ventured. There he discovered a number of colonies surrounding two large cities. As he began his attacks over the colonies, they had taken small but steady tolls on Oscopus’s army. By the time the army reached the inner cities, the army was doomed, and Oscopus fled back to Terron – a mistake he wish he would have never made. When he returned home, the disappointed and angered Slaythe tortured him with darkness and starvation. Eventually, the torture slowly progressed with more painful techniques that even Slaythe himself was found having trouble in executing. Oscopus thanked his creator for not remembering his mistake, but he hated him for remembering the vicious torture.
The next day Slaythe spoke to his people – he was soon heading to Barricus with a band of fifty warriors, in hopes to speak with king Durad. The people cheered.
not to get to off topic but hav u read any of the forgotton realm novels? I just bought The Halls of Stormweather yesterday im only on page 15 but its pretty sweet so far.
The Halls of Valor:
Book One: Day of Ashes
Book Two: Return to Power
Book Three: Siege of the Forest
Book Four: The Fall of Hyton
Book Five: The Final March
Here is a sample, and I hope you guys give me some input to whether or not it is worth continuing:
The Halls of Valor : Day of Ashes
18 Chapters
Chapter One:
The small band of warriors continued north towards the once forgotten snow-capped mountains. Temperature fell steadily as they continued up the foothills and to the base of the peaks. The band showed no signs of halting or slowing their pace. They were loyal to Slaythe, commander and king of the Terronians from the kingdom of Terron. Slaythe’s mission for them was to investigate the regions surrounding the mountains. The band was so far from their homeland, but they did not care. Their lives and fate were in the hands of Slaythe, and they would die gladly for him.
The lands the band was now entering wreaked of war. The ground was composed of pebbles and sand, with the occasional larger stone. Most of the trees were stripped bare and black from the effects of fire. Many trees had ropes with nooses tied to the larger branches. The quarry of the ropes’ were likely decayed to the point of tearing loose. Either that, or something had retrieved the bodies.
The lands were filled with scattered bones and armor. Most bones were stripped of flesh and muscle, but some still remained on some, reminding the band that the battles here took place not that long ago – and they were likely the cause for some of the destruction here. There were old stone ruins, once buildings, that had the conditions of looking ancient, but they were far from it.
The sight was grisly to the once again visiting warriors, and the overcast sky seemed to match their moods. All except one.
Slaythe had no intention to see his band of warriors again, for they were only to protect his observer and oracle, Oscopus. Oscopus himself was a visibly evil man. He was long and stringy, as if he had not eaten for centuries. His skin was deathly pale, and his face looked older than it really was. He did not wear a helmet. Instead he let his thin, long, ragged hair drape over his shoulders and part of his back as if it were a makeshift cape. His eyes were always pressed narrow as if plotting murder, and they radiated evil. His eyes were black – even where the whites were supposed to be. Oscopus’s face was usually expressionless, except for the occasional snarling of his lip or the random twitches that terrorized him.
Oscopus seemed mentally unstable, yet that was a fortunate and false accusation. His twitches were involuntary. He noticed he was cursed with them after he was tortured and punished in Slaythe’s innermost chambers. The memories haunted Oscopus, and he swore never to upset and displease his lord ever again – otherwise torture and death would be received, as promised by Slaythe himself. The initial action that lead to Oscopus’s punishment was long forgotten due to pain and torment. It was best he forgot that anyway.
Fortunately, Oscopus felt that his newest task was a much easier one, and he would most likely not fail this one. Slaythe had sent him to the Forgotten Peaks in search of tribes or civilization. If life was to be found there, Slaythe wanted it vanquished. All the people of Terron unanimously agreed with that decision, as they always did. Slaythe was the king behind countless victories over unknown foes, much like his father, Slayto, who he was so eager to avenge. The people of Terron always enjoyed learning their forces were victorious time after time again. They never seemed tired of eliminating the innocent and likely harmless threats against their kingdom and people.
Slaythe had not sent a scouting party in a long time. Almost ten years it had been. He felt that the search would turn up something, since he was constantly bombarded with an unexplainable and seemingly realistic nightmare. He dreamt he led his entire army to the walls of an ancient city. Instead of leading his army, he departed and headed for the mountains, where he found an enigmatic dragon inside the darkest peak, which always roared, "Come to me, Slaythe".
Slaythe could not explain the dream, but he sent a band to the assumed region that he had dreamt of. His orders were to scout the area and return with reports. Refrain from entering the mountains, especially the darkest peak. Slaythe truly felt that the dragon was real, and a threat.
~~~~~~~
Oscopus reached the top of the hill that he sought after. As he and the band of fifteen elite Terronian warriors joined him, the wind picked up and swirled sand and dry snow at their feet. Oscopus looked down at the insignificant display, and then looked forward into the vast valley. He and the fifteen were awestruck.
In the valley was a lush coniferous forest stretching for miles towards the base of a dark peak. The same peak that Slaythe must have dreamt of. Oscopus recalled a glimmering light at the base of the peak. He focused his energies hard, and his vision became far more defined and zooming. He studied the glimmer and did not believe his eyes. His heart raced. He gazed further on it.
"What is it, Master Oscopus?", one of the guards mentioned eagerly. No word from Oscopus’s twitching maw.
"Master?"
"It looks to be a fortress!" exclaimed Oscopus. The warriors began talking amongst themselves as Oscopus kept his gaze.
"A heavily occupied one, at that!" The warriors began to cheer. They knew what Slaythe would order upon it. Destruction.
"Don’t get so excited just yet, you fools!" commanded the slender man.
"I sense they are not harmless. I feel that they contain some knowledge of battle."
"That makes it better to practice!" blurted one of the warriors. Oscopus swung around furiously and raised his open palm to the warrior. A sudden force sent the warrior backwards, falling hard on the solid ground.
"You imbecile! Have you no idea what this means? This civilization might have been here nearly as long as ours has! They may be cunning with magic or adept with combat! We can take no chances. We must report immediately to Slaythe. Our lord will be satisfied with our find!"
Hoping to regain his once heavily trusted allegiance to his master, Oscopus prayed that this find would erase all former mistakes created by him, thus delaying his someday imminent death from his lord. Slaythe will like this. He will love this. He will trust me again. Oscopus could only remain so enthused. It was something else to focus on besides his grisly tortures.
As the band turned their backs on the oasis-like valley, an expertly guided arrow whizzed just inches from Oscopus’s face. The band stopped in their tracks, and the fifteen warriors raised their glimmering shields in a dome-like structure. Inside, Oscopus was hidden from view.
"Who dares enters this kingdom with a band of elegant warriors?" erupted the well-armored archer atop the nearest great boulder.
"We are Terronians, from the kingdom of Terron, south of here by many days journey!" said Oscopus without hesitation.
"I am not familiar with the kingdom in which you speak, Terronian!"
"Nor am I with yours!" replied Oscopus, naturally.
The archer proudly announced, "This is the kingdom of Hostilia! Land of the great fortress of Barricus, the Pine Valley, the Black Spire, and the home to great and mighty king, Durad!"
"We are no harm to thee, young…?"
The archer again said proudly, "Gantus! And who are you, shielded by your divine guardians?"
Oscopus emerged from the protective dome, "I am Oscopus, the observer and oracle to our great and kind king Slaythe!" Oscopus gritted his teeth after falsely mentioning the king’s "kindness", especially to him.
~~~~~~~~
Opinions?
looks good i read it all, keep it goin and i will continue to read
good descriptions of the surroundings( i had a picture in my head) and your'e words flow together nicely
*negative*
not sure how long this story will be but kinda seems like u rushed into things. Ive always been a fan of char development and would maybe like to get to know each of the chars a bit more.
please dont take the negative the wrong way it is mearly constructuve critisism and i shall continue to read you're story whether u makes changes or not because i do indeed like it as im sure many others will
Doesn't sound correct. I believe so needs to be taken out. By just the titles of the books, I can tell it will be a wonderful series. Keep up the good work.
Silver, I understand exactly what you mean about rushing into things. Don't worry, I will have more character details and events coming up. My original plot in my mind is a unique one.
Positive:
Great names, do not sound cliche or strange to pronounce. And that is hard to come up with.
Interesting that an "evil" kingdom or so to speak seems to be the main country here.
Has potential
As for rushing things, there are so many ways t ostructure a book that I won't say whether rushing is good or bad. It can easily be either.
Negative:
As opposed to previously stated, I think the flow could be better. Many sentences seem to cut of rather shortly without connecting very well to the next. It quickly becomes irritating for me.
And as always be wary of expressions or words that may not suit the world in question.
positive- nice descriptions and beggining
negative- more character developemnt, but depending on how ur writing the book it will b fine.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
Caught my attention and kept it:D
I liked the descriptions, although...
The oracle reminded me on the Necro from D2
Negative-
When you described the setting (mostly in the first two paragraphs) it seemed like your sentenced didn't flow together very well. I do the same thing:(.
Keep writing, it's awesome.
oh, is the break in there supposed to be a new chapter?
The Oracle - Now that you mention it, he does look very similar to the Necromancer on Diablo II - but Oscopus hasn't always looked like that. You will learn more about Oscopus's former glory before he was tortured.
The break - The break I just put in there to indicate a span of time had passed.
The Halls of Valor: Day of Ashes
Chapter 1
A beam of light pierced the dangerously gray looking blanket of clouds and seemed to follow the small band of soldiers. They continued north towards the once forgotten snow-capped mountains, in search for some answers. The warriors were clad in magnificent armor. They all wore polished plate armor from head to toe, and they each had a cape of dark crimson trailing behind them. Each cape had a pure white "T" intricately sewn to the middle of it. The "T" stood for Terron – their home city.
Temperature fell steadily as the soldiers continued up the foothills and to the base of the peaks. The soldiers showed no signs of halting or slowing their pace, for they were used to this. They were loyal to Slaythe, commander and king of the Terronians from the kingdom of Terron. Slaythe’s mission for them was to investigate the regions surrounding the mountains. The band was far from their homeland, but they did not care. Their lives and fate were in the hands of Slaythe, and they would gladly die for him.
The soldiers were now entering lands that had recently been tainted with the aftermath of war. The ground was composed of pebbles, sand, and dry snow with the occasional rusty arrowhead. Most of the trees were stripped bare and black from the effects of fire. Many trees had ropes with nooses tied to the larger branches. The quarry of the ropes were likely decayed to the point of tearing loose. Either that, or something had retrieved the bodies.
The lands were filled with scattered bones and armor. Most bones were stripped of flesh and muscle, but some sinew still remained on some. This reminded the warriors that the battles here took place not that long ago – and they were likely the cause for some of the destruction here. There were old stone ruins, once buildings, that had the conditions of looking ancient, but they were far from it.
The sight was grisly to the once again visiting warriors, and the overcast sky seemed to match their moods. Especially one in particular.
Slaythe had no intention or expectation to see his band of elite warriors again, for they were only to protect his newly assigned observer and oracle, Oscopus. Oscopus himself was a visibly evil man. He was long and stringy, as if he had not eaten for centuries. His skin was deathly pale, and his face looked older than it really was, due to massive scarring. He did not wear a helmet. Instead he let his thin, long, ragged hair drape over his shoulders and part of his back as if it were a makeshift cape. His eyes were always pressed narrow as if plotting murder, and they radiated evil. The eyes themselves were black – even where the whites were supposed to be. Oscopus’s face was usually expressionless, except for the occasional snarling of his lip or the random twitches that terrorized him.
Oscopus seemed mentally unstable, yet that was a fortunate and false accusation. His twitches were involuntary. He noticed he was cursed with them after he was tortured and punished in Slaythe’s innermost chambers. The memories haunted Oscopus, and he swore never to upset and displease his lord ever again – otherwise torture and death would be received, as promised by Slaythe himself. The initial action that lead to Oscopus’s punishment was long forgotten due to pain and torment. It was best he forgot that anyway.
Fortunately, Oscopus felt that his newest task was a much easier one, and he would most likely not fail it. Slaythe had sent him to the Forgotten Peaks in search of tribes or civilization. If life was to be found there, Slaythe wanted it reported, and then vanquished. All the civilians of Terron unanimously agreed with Slaythe’s decisions, as they always did. The Terronians always enjoyed learning their forces were victorious time after time again. They never seemed tired of eliminating the innocent and likely harmless threats against their kingdom and people. Slaythe was the king behind these countless victories over unknown foes, much like his father, Slayto, who he was so eager to avenge. Slaythe’s father had died some decades ago, after scouting the region far west of the Forgotten Peaks. Slayto’s death was the start of the last great war, which Slaythe would rather forget.
Slaythe had not sent a scouting party in a long time, due to fear of what may become of them, such as his father’s scouting band. Almost ten years it had been. He felt that the search would turn up something, since he was constantly bombarded with an unexplainable and seemingly realistic nightmare. Slaythe dreamt he led his entire army to the great walls of an ancient city. Instead of leading his great army, he departed and headed for the ancient golbin caverns inside the darkest peak, in search of a new tactic to use upon the fortress. While inside, Slaythe envisioned two glowing eyes in the darkness, accompanied by heavy, sinful breathing. He was mysteriously drawn to the eyes.
Slaythe could not explain the dream, but he sent a band to the assumed region that he had dreamt of. His orders were to scout the area and return with reports. Refrain from entering the mountains, especially the darkest peak. Slaythe truly felt that the creature inside was a threat, and it needed to be avoided.
Oscopus reached the top of the hill that he sought after. As he and the band of fifteen elite Terronian warriors joined him, the wind picked up and swirled sand and dry snow at their feet. Oscopus looked down at the insignificant display, and then looked forward into the vast valley. He and the fifteen were awestruck.
In the valley was a lush coniferous forest stretching for miles towards the base of a dark peak. The same peak that Slaythe must had dreamt of. Oscopus recalled a glimmering light at the base of the peak. He focused his energies hard, and his vision became far more defined and zooming. He studied the glimmer and did not believe his eyes. His heart raced. He gazed harder on it.
"What is it, Master Oscopus?", one of the guards mentioned eagerly. No word from Oscopus’s twitching maw.
"Master?"
"It looks to be a fortress! A very large one!", exclaimed Oscopus. The warriors began talking amongst themselves as Oscopus kept his gaze.
"Heavily occupied, at that!" The warriors began to cheer. They knew what Slaythe would order upon it – destruction, and they would take part in the demise of this civilization.
"Don’t get so excited just yet, you idiots!" commanded the slender man.
"I sense they are defensive. I feel that they contain some experience in battle, due to their large, enforced city walls."
"That makes it better for practice!" blurted one of the warriors. Oscopus swung around furiously and raised his open palm to the warrior. A sudden force sent the warrior backwards, falling hard on the solid ground.
"You imbecile! Have you no idea what this means? This civilization might have been here nearly as long as ours has! They may be cunning with magic or adept with combat! Or worse yet, they could be affiliated with those west of here! We can take no chances. We must report immediately to Slaythe. I think our lord will be satisfied with our find!"
Hoping to regain his once heavily trusted allegiance to his master, Oscopus prayed that this find would erase all former mistakes created by him, thus delaying his someday imminent death from his lord. Slaythe will like this. He will love this. He will trust me again. I will command the legions again. Oscopus could only remain enthused. It was something else to focus on besides his grisly tortures.
As the band turned their backs on the oasis-like valley, an expertly guided arrow whizzed just inches from Oscopus’s face. The band stopped in their tracks, and the fifteen warriors raised their glimmering shields in a dome-like structure. Inside, Oscopus was hidden from view.
An archer arose from behind the nearest boulder. He was carrying a very expertly designed bow, with two quivers of arrows on his back. He looked quick and nimble, and he was. His face was lean and well maintained. His armor was of hardened leather. It was likely shared by generations of his family, and the color of it matched the rocks and boulders in the region. The archer shouted.
"Who dares enters this kingdom with a band of elegant warriors?"
"We are Terronians, from the kingdom of Terron, south of here by many days journey!" said Oscopus without hesitation.
"I am not familiar with the kingdom in which you speak, Terronian!" answered the archer.
"Nor am I with yours!" replied Oscopus, naturally.
The archer proudly announced, "This is the kingdom of Hostilia! Land of the great fortress of Barricus, the Pine Valley, the Black Spire, and the home to great and mighty king, Durad!"
"We are no harm to thee, young…?"
The archer again said proudly, "Gantus! And who are you, shielded by your divine guardians?"
Oscopus emerged slowly from the protective dome and turned to the archer, "I am Oscopus, the observer and oracle to our great and kind king Slaythe!" Oscopus gritted his teeth after falsely mentioning the king’s "kindness", especially to him.
The archer took great relief to Oscopus’s comment. "I am glad to hear your king is a kind one! I would suspect he might be some type of menace, sending warriors scouting about without permission from our lord!"
Yet Slaythe was indeed a menace.
"Would you like to visit our great fortress of Barricus, Oscopus? Perhaps I could introduce you to our great king, and learn more about your kingdom." Gantus was far too kind to have just met sixteen strangers – armed strangers at that. Oscopus considered the offer, feeling he could learn what the Terronian army would be up against. Considering the finesse the archer had used to halt Oscopus, they would be no easy enemy, at least not right away. The entire time he talked with Gantus, Oscopus kept his black eyes from coming in direct contact with the archer’s. One glance into those eyes, and Gantus would have surely fired another arrow.
Oscopus later replied, "Sorry young Gantus, but we must go back to Terron and tell our king of your wonderful lands! Thank you for your very kind offer! Perhaps we will meet again shortly! I’ll be sure to try and urge Slaythe to come visit and talk with your king!" Oscopus knew how to be kind, learning from the lack of kindness from his master. He did not lie, however, about perhaps seeing Gantus again. Oscopus perceived to believe he would see him on the battlefield shortly, probably choking on his own blood.
Gantus watched as the sixteen turned their backs and walked away, seemingly anxious to get back and report to their lord, as was Gantus himself. He did not sense any good from them, only destruction radiated from the glimmering guards, and Oscopus wreaked of a coward. Gantus’s hidden companion and brother, Lytel, was behind another boulder on the opposite side of where the band stood. Lytel arose and shown himself to Gantus.
Lytel was Gantus’s older and only brother, and he too was an archer. Despite his age over Gantus, Lytel was not as skilled, therefore, he wore heavier, more protective chain mail armor. His body matched Gantus’s, but his face had more gruff. He had a fairly thick beard, but he kept it well trimmed. Lytel’s bow was similar to Gantus’s, for they were both gifts from king Durad.
"We should return to Barricus, Lytel. Did you sense the evil in them, despite their divine looks and kind words?"
"Yes," Lytel admitted, "are they the southern tyrants our neighbors to the west speak of?"
Gantus nodded, "I believe so. They are searching for another city to topple. I think they will have met their match again.
Gantus and Lytel slid down their boulders and walked towards each other while looking in the direction the band had departed. They met in the middle where Oscopus had once stood.
Still staring into the distance, Gantus spoke. "The slim one speaks as if his king means us no harm. Our neighbors have observed otherwise."
Lytel returned anxiously, "I hope this Slaythe indeed does come! I want to see him fall victim to Durad! It’s been a while since our king had last slain another of his significance!"
The pounding on the doors of Slaythe’s chamber woke him from his slumber, which was about to be broken by his nightmare again anyways. Slaythe lay slouched in his throne as he always was. He found the wood and stone uncomfortable.
"Come in!" demanded the king. Oscopus clinched his eyes shut before opening the doors. As he pushed, they creaked annoyingly. Slaythe closed his eyes and shifted his scalp to try and counter the annoyance. The room was very dim, and Oscopus immediately adjusted to the darkness.
"Master – Lord Slaythe…." Oscopus started.
"Silence!" Slaythe demanded. He rose from his throne. Oscopus’s master was one to be easily gazed at. Slaythe was a tall figure. His strength was shown in the calfs of his legs and his chest, if he chose not to wear protection over it. Unlike Oscopus, Slaythe’s hair was black as night and it was thick. He kept it in a neat ponytail most of the time, held by a dark crimson band, which also matched his radiant and silk-like cape.
This day Slaythe chose to wear armor. It was intricately designed, and beautiful. The armor was stained the darkest blue and the designs on it were painted in gold. The perfection of his armor also matched his face, which was clean shaven, tight, and perfectly designed. If not for the crimson eyes Slaythe obtained, he could almost be considered a god amongst men. Slaythe quickly paced down the marble steps. His cape bounced gently off of each step. Slaythe expertly drew his infamous blade and swung it towards Oscopus’s neck.
Oscopus stood still awaiting his death with eyes clinched. The tip of the blade halted and barely nicked the skin of Oscopus’s lump on his stringy throat. Oscopus should have known this would happen. This was Slaythe’s sense of humor – fright.
Slaythe erupted in evil laughter. "Sorry, Oscopus! I couldn’t help myself! I figured you’d expect death the next time you returned here. Fortunately for you, that day will be postponed – that is unless you have bad news to tell."
"N- No my lord! I have some rather exciting news to reveal to you!" Oscopus hoped this news would distract Slaythe from ever harming him again.
"Go on Oscopus. Enlighten me. I’ve needed enlightenment all day."
Oscopus mentally arranged his words carefully.
"We found a fortress near the black mountain you had dreamt of. The fortress lies at the base of the black mountain, and in front of the fortress lies a vast forest of pine, likely three or four miles in length."
Nothing could give Slaythe a larger smile. The great Terronian king was noticeably thrilled to have heard the news. Oscopus sighed.
"Were there any signs of life there? Were there any signs of a inhuman beast?" Slaythe asked.
Oscopus immediately replied, "Not of a beast, but of human life. The fortress is filled with bodies, my lord. We even met one of the locals – a scout I presume. We left him live as he did us. His archery skills were very good. The valley is supposedly named the Pine Valley, the black peak in which you dream is the Black Spire, and the fortress is named Barricus. I assume the fortress has a small army, probably led by their king, Durad. That is the information I accquired."
Slaythe, like Oscopus, replied quickly and confidently.
"Then that army shall be crushed, and all that live within that fortress. We must not let others threaten our solitude and reign of power! I will let our populace know tomorrow what our army seeks. I will meet this king Durad and will decide what number of soldiers to send afterwards."
"Very well then, my lord. Should I command the army?" Oscopus hoped to regain his significant role in the Terronian army.
Slaythe shook his head, knowing of Oscopus’s attempt, "Sorry Oscopus, but I have other uses for you. More important uses, I believe. I will use Ophir to command the forces. He needs some more experience before he is considered an elite commander."
Oscopus nodded his head as if he understood his reasoning. He then exited his lord’s chamber, and continued down the great hallway. Oscopus was once Slaythe’s most trusted army commander. Oscopus won countless battles and lost none – until his most regretted day.
Oscopus had battled against an enemy far west of where he recently ventured. There he discovered a number of colonies surrounding two large cities. As he began his attacks over the colonies, they had taken small but steady tolls on Oscopus’s army. By the time the army reached the inner cities, the army was doomed, and Oscopus fled back to Terron – a mistake he wish he would have never made. When he returned home, the disappointed and angered Slaythe tortured him with darkness and starvation. Eventually, the torture slowly progressed with more painful techniques that even Slaythe himself was found having trouble in executing. Oscopus thanked his creator for not remembering his mistake, but he hated him for remembering the vicious torture.
The next day Slaythe spoke to his people – he was soon heading to Barricus with a band of fifty warriors, in hopes to speak with king Durad. The people cheered.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep