• #1

    Chapter 1.
    - part1
    Fires climbed up to the roof of the houses. They traveled on top, hoping from one building to the next. The glow from the fire illuminated the eyes of the citizens who watched in awe as their city was burning to the ground. Dozens attempted to put out the fires, desperately trying to save their homes. The efforts were useless. The fires had grown in size unlike any fires they had seen before. Towers of flames rose up twenty, thirty feet in the air. these were no normal flames.

    The citizens of Tylaneous awoke from the awe as fear soon replaced it. These were no normal flames. An unknown force was at work, destroying their city and lives in the frigid night. Soon, the roar of the flames became masked by the screeching coming form the woods surrounding the town. Howls and cries filled the night air as the citizens became more frightened of these sounds then the fiery blaze running through their town.

    "Quick everyone, find shelter" The Governor yelled, unsure of what was to become of his town. The screeching and growling from the woods grew louder and louder as whatever was causing these sounds approached the town. the Governor looked around as everyone ran around wildly, with no safe haven to be found. the sounds forcing them to find shelter but the fires kept them outside.

    "Look out" the Governor yelled as he saw what could only be described as foul and heinous erupted from the dense woods. The monstrosity, wielding and axe, swung his weapon as he emerged from the forest. The blade sliced through the air making contact with a man's neck. His head rolled off his shoulders as the surprised look froze upon his face for eternity. The monster yelled out in ecstasy as the smell of blood coated the frozen air. He continued his assault, his hooves beating into the ground as he stampeded his way through the town. One by one, more demons arose from their surroundings assaulting the city as the people had no where to hide. Red fleshed minions cried out as they took the women and children as their victims. The larger horned goatmen went after the larger males. The city was in chaos as blood filled the dirt laid streets and cries from both human and monster filled every ear.

    After the initial onslaught, a demon emerged at the foot of the city. The monster's wings spread out reaching out fifteen feet on either end. His arms ended in claws made from blackened bone where his hands once resided. He let out a piercing growl as the other demons took notice. As if acting on command, the monsters stopped their savage attack and began to slowly scare the rest of the survivors, herding them together like cattle. They surrounded the people slowly encroaching them until the bulk of them stood huddled at the town center.

    "Keep quiet" a young mother told her son as she looked him squarely in his eyes, both hiding under a shed. While the fire burned away at the buildings, the mother decided it was safer than being out there with the demons. She surrounded her son in a wet blanket, hoping to keep him safe from the heat of the flames above them. As the mother looked out, a small impish demon spotted her.

    "Nooo" she cried, more afraid for her son's life. Acting out of instinct, she emerged from the hiding place, only pausing for a second to instruct her son not to move for any reason. She ran towards the creature, confusing the foul monster for a second. The snarling imp jumped towards the woman landing on her chest knocking her to the ground. The monster and two others grabbed her ankles and dragged her to the herd of the other survivors.

    "Mom!" the boy wanted to yell out but obeyed his mother's demands. He watched as they dragged her flailing body towards the winged beast eyeing his prey in the center of the town. The boy could scarcely see through the dozens of demons and the burning lights from the flames. He saw the Governor of their town standing bravely at the front of the townsfolk.

    The demons parted for the giant creature as he approached the humans. He saw the fear in their eyes, this only fueling his desires. He stared directly at the Governor who falsely stood in front of the group bravely. The beast took notice of the man and reached out his claws. With one quick swoop, the demon lacerated both of the man's arms as the fell quickly to the ground. He then stabbed the Governor through his chest with his right claw, picking the governor up.

    "This is only the beginning" the winged demon growled out. He then took his left claw and drove it through the Governor's skull. He threw the lifeless body to the ground and began to follow these heinous actions with the rest of the survivors. One by one, the other demons watched as they jumped and hollered excited by this beast's work. Tearing flesh from bone, stabbing in non-vital areas, the beast took his time with the last remaining souls.

    The boy's mother, one of the few remaining, laid upon the ground, avoiding looking at the beast. She cried, not for herself but for the fate of her son. The beast flipped her over with a kick from his foot. He pierced her shoulder, picking her up off the ground. As her feet dangled in the air, she bravely avoided any sight of her son as to not give away his location. The beast then shoved his other claw deep into her side. She cried out in pain but remained vigilant not to disclose where her son was.

    The boy watched on as the demon tore his mother's skin from her flesh. He then slowly licked the exposed flesh before taking a bite from her thigh. The boy watched as tears rolled down his stoic face, showing no other signs of any emotion. The boy was in shock of what he was seeing. His own loving mother being tortured before his very eyes. His mother's own bravery aiding him from crying out towards her.

    After having his fill of blood, the large winged beast vacated the city along with the other demons, quicker than they had appeared.

    The boy crawled out from the burning building and scurried over towards his mother's body. Tripping and stumbling, he found his way to her. Lying in the blood of the others slain, he picked his mother's body up, propping her head on his leg. Blood poured from her mouth as she coughed and writhed.

    "I love you" she said in a whisper as her last breath left her body. More tears rolled down the young boy's face as his mother left him.

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  • #2
    A bit too sadist for my taste, sorry. Since there's no background given, it's pretty much the desription of a demon having a meal. Maybe it would make more sense if we could read part 2 and get some insight on the people, or the reasons for the attack.

    This sentence cought my eye:
    "Look out" the Governor yelled as he saw what could only be described as foul and heinous erupted from the dense woods.

    There's something wrong with that sentence. It should be "erupting", and I think there's a noun missing.

    Nice vocabulary though, I had to look up several words.
  • #3
    It is supposed to be pretty dark and sadisitic. This event will be the cause and motivation for the main character in the story. I had to make it "bad" enough that this single event would fuel the rest of the story for the main character.

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  • #4
    Well, I didn't know that :P. I'm guessing the main character will be the little boy, right?

    I hate how no one comments on the fan fictions.
  • #5
    Comments are always appreciated.

    And yes, the boy will become the main character. (Shhh...)

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  • #6
    Chapter 1 -
    part 2.

    The boy left his burning haven to find his mothers. With the demons now vacant from the city, the boy rushed to his mother's body. He picked her head up as the blood on his hands swept through her golden hair. His body trembled as tears rolled down his face. His mother, the only family he had ever had, laid in his arms lifeless. As her last words escaped her mouth, the boy listened, blocking out the rest of the moaning and groaning from the other dying citizens.

    "I love you" she said as she shut her eyes for the last time. The boy placed her body back on the ground as he sat there for hours unsure of what to do. His life had seemingly ended without him. His family, his friends, and city had all been destroyed by these unexpected demons. They left no human alive, no building burned except for this now lone boy.

    Fires continued to burn down as bodies became decomposing corpses. Days had now passed since the invasion and the boy continued to sit with his mother in his lap. Not sleeping or eating, the boy became weaker and weaker. He had all but given up and was waiting to meet his mother once again in his next life. his head would bob as his muscles weakened from the days of sorrow.

    Giving way to his exhaustion and hunger, the boy finally passed out atop his mother. His life barely hanging on with each heart beat bringing him closer to the same fate as his mother.

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  • #7
    I thought you did very well. I especially liked the sentence: "His head rolled off his shoulders as the surprised look froze upon his face for eternity."

    One bit of encouragement - and do not take this as cutting you down. Read and re-read your work - there are several grammar mistakes that we all make. We are only human. Additionally, try your damnest to not take any ideas from movies. I felt I was reading a book on Starship Troopers near the end with the demon stabbing through the shoulder. All in all I rate this a 4 out of 5. Please continue - I like your work :)

    PS - in quotes you can add End Punctuation for added emphasis. Like the Governor cried out, "I'll kill you - you motherless swine!"

    "All good things must come to an end."
  • #8
    Thanks for the comments. I definitely need to go back to fix all of the grammer mistake when I have the time. As for the movie reference, I thought it was funny that it reminded you of that movie. However, that was not my intentions.

    Thanks for reading my story. I look forward to continuing the story

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  • #9
    As the boy succumbed to his exhaustion, his eyes shut as he fell upon his mother's cold body. His body lay lifeless despite his heart still beating. The fires had all but burned out as the ash drifted through the air as the warming sun broke the horizon. The crows that we picking on the remains of the slain citizens flew away screeching their cries alerting the souls of the new day.

    Suddenly, life broke back into the city. A slender woman, a hood covering her face walked through the trees and entered the city. She wondered through the dead, the abysmal scene not phasing her countenance. Emotionless, she knelt down, victim by victim. She studied the wounds, lacerations, and bite marks of each body. Small scraps of flesh from the monsters struggles were removed, a tooth pulled out form the belly of a corpse. The woman's eyes glowed a blinding white as the crimson scarf covered her mouth and nose from the foul stenches of the bodies she wandered through. One by one she made her way through the city.

    "Too late" she whispered to herself, weary of the dead hearing her thoughts.

    She had made her way to the boys body. She looked down at the boy laying a top his mother's mangled remains. She bent down to toss the boy over when the boys eyes opened as he screamed for his life once again. Within a second, the woman drew the crossbow from her back and aimed it at the boys head. Reacting from instinct, her finger rested upon the trigger, ready to release the arrow from the crossbow. As the woman readied her shot, she looked beyond her arrow tip to see the boy's face. She lowered her weapon and replaced it upon her back.

    "Do not worry young boy. They are all gone for now" She said to the child, attempting to bring him back to the living.

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  • #10
    Her soothing voice calmed his crying eyes. For a brief moment, he forgot the horrors that he had witnessed nights before, claiming his mother's life. The boy stared deeply into the woman's glowing eyes. Mesmerized, he fear turned to safety in her presence. The woman stood up, helping the boy free himself from his mother. His hand clasped onto her hand for one last moment before he let go, he arm dropping back down to the frozen earth beneath her.

    "What happened here?" the woman asked the young boy. She looked around one last time before making eye contact again with the young boy.

    "They...They...came and..." was all the boy could share. His body began to tremble as his knees went weak. The woman held onto arm, keeping him from dropping back down to the floor. For as callus as she was for the dead bodies, she was equally compassionate for this boy. She saw herself in this boy, a child afraid, on the brink of giving up on life.

    Without even asking, the woman held onto the boys hand as they left the city behind them, the boy looked back only once to see his mother for the last time.

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  • #11
    Part 2. -

    The boy awoke after sleeping for three straight days. His lips parched for water. He rubbed his eyes attempting to look upon his surroundings. A camp fire lit the darkening night. He sat up slowly as he inched closer to the fire to warm his body. He rubbed his hands together embracing this newly found warmth. To his right, he saw a canteen. He uncorked the bottle and drowned himself with its contents. Water poured out of the bottle into the boys mouth, he swallowed vigorously, replenishing his thirst.

    "Easy" the boy heard off in the near distance. The woman who had rescued him appeared suddenly from the shadows. "Save some for later" the woman suggested as she grabbed the bottle from his hands. She rested the bottle back on the ground and looked deep into the boys eyes. The pain still lingered on the boy. His eyes swelled with tears eager to drop free.

    "My name is Sara" she said in a soft voice. The boy closed his eyes, hoping it was his mother talking to him. "And what is your name?" She asked, breaking him from his delusion.

    "Jacob" was all the boy replied, his head hanging low from his memories.

    The woman lifted the boys head up. "I am sorry for your loss Jacob. The monstrosities you have witnessed will not be easily forgotten, nor should they. Your mother was your strength while you were alive, let her continue to be your strength now."

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