An Excerpt from my Short Story

  • #1
    Hello guys, I am working on a short story based in my fantasy-set universe and I wanted to show you an excerpt from the introduction, please leave comments/positive critiques, I'm not the best but I am striving to be the best I can be.

    The link below is to my blog which I will be posting all of my works in.

    http://www.diablofans.com/blog/164/entry-454-except-from-fall-of-the-elves/

    -AnathemicOne

    --------

    The sun slowly began to emerge from the horizon, illuminating the jagged peaks of the High Ridge Mountains; light crept its way across the land to end today and begin tomorrow, night’s shadow finally recedes. And all living creatures inhabiting the Great Forest began to emerge from their slumber, ready to greet the new day, only to be met by a rain of fire.

    --------

    Edit: Realized I posted this on wrong forum category, ugh don't bash me for my stupidity.

    Edit: Added the excerpt in the OP. Note: It is very short (just a paragraph) and a work in progress, the above excerpt is subject to change.
  • #2
    Can you post the story itself in the thread? It's easier for me to give you feedback that way so I can quote paragraphs and single sentences at a time more easily.
  • #3
    Okay I'm editing the excerpt in the OP, but I'm more comfortable with the blog, I don't like having my work being all over the site XD
  • #4
    You were really too eager to share. I thought there'd be at least a page worth in here. Don't get so ahead of yourself next time.

    Quote from AnathemicOne

    The sun slowly began to emerge from the horizon
    While you are writing a story and will be using a lot of passive voice, avoid it on the smaller scale. For example, "The sun slowly emerged from the horizon..."


    Quote from AnathemicOne
    , illuminating the jagged peaks of the High Ridge Mountains;
    Just don't forget later where you're saying the sun rises. You're implying the direction of things here. It's just fine now, I'm only saying to be careful later when you get into this stuff.


    Quote from AnathemicOne
    light crept its way across the land to end today and begin tomorrow, night’s shadow finally recedes.
    What you've done here is mixed a lot of past and present tense together. People could interpret this mistake in a number of ways. Changing verb tense within a sentence can work at times, but it is totally unnecessary to do here and I found it kind of distraacting.


    Quote from AnathemicOne
    And all living creatures inhabiting the Great Forest began to emerge from their slumber, ready to greet the new day, only to be met by a rain of fire.
    Literally fire began to rain out of the sky? I'm all for that except if something this big is going to happen abruptly at the end of your short description of this place, you may wish to do a bit more before leading up to. If say, your story has a protagonist in it, perhaps he/she can be doing something in the middle of this place when at one point they notice a light in the sky, turning to several, turning to several more raining down upon them. Stuff like that.

    I look forward to reading more.
  • #5
    Thank you, and yes i did jump the gun. I wanted to see if the introduction was okay so I can later on post an entire segment(s) of later chapters. It's nice to have positive feedback to go off on before continuing.

    And yes there will be a main protagonist, the introduction of him literally starts off the next paragraph which is still in the making for I plan to expand the excerpt shown above. I suspect the final-draft of the introduction to have a few paragraphs.

    As for the sun's direction, I assume that most readers will assume 'west' which is where our real-world sun rises, but I will mention that next time if too many can't infer from it.

    Thank you very much for your critique, your description of the 'rain of fire' makes me want to revise it (which I will do), and I promise next time to have a longer and fully drawn-out segment next time I share.
  • #6
    Oh but don't get me wrong about the direction of the sun stuff. Though the sun actually sets on the west and not the east. I was only warning you about describing physical places like mountains and valleys. It's something I trip myself up on a lot.
  • To post a comment, please or register a new account.
Posts Quoted:
Reply
Clear All Quotes