What about losing the only person you've ever loved in your entire life? Especially when you're the reason they're gone?
I am not sure what you are asking, but I will try to answer anyway.
While I have emotionally loved many people in ages past, be it romantic love or brotherly love, only one person has come close to capturing my mind's affection. As with the start of many romance novels, I could never have her for she loved another. But I loved her enough to try to re-facilitate her relationship with her ex. I know now that trying to get back with the ex is a lot like waging a land war in Asia. Just don't. Anyway, Captain Hindsight is not my favorite super-hero. It didn't work out, I willingly sacrificed a whole lot, only to take it back. Ruined that friendship hard. But while I proved to her that I can be an ass, I also proved to myself how much of an ass I can be. That is good intel to have!
I have improved myself, refined what I seek in friends and relationships, refined how I engage with them and improved myself. I have also gone down many dark and self destructive paths and still tread them. I do not regret what I have done, only in the sense that guilt only gets you do far. What I did was wrong, I see that. I have let go of that guilt, otherwise it will only make me a worse person than the one who wronged my friend.
When I remember my friends, I do still pine for them. I do miss them, and that tells me that even though I may not be able to connect with them, if they called me and needed my help with something I would do it in a heartbeat. I do wonder what they have become now, which ties into one of my life's greater joys: other people.
This thread surprised me. The answers are remarkably deep and serious. I dare bet that to all those discussing their deepest emotions here it must feel quite cathartic.
For me, as many, I haven't always enjoyed life. I've always been quite on my own, holding only two close friends. This may not seem like much, but they're both very deep friendships, that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life.
I have some trouble enjoying the Diablo 3 launch this year... because May 16th 2011, one of those friends was shot and killed by her jealous and psychotic ex boyfriend.
Wouldn't say I ever seriously considered killing myself. But the world did become a much darker place.
Sorry to hear about your friend. I can understand how this would be a difficult time because of that.
This thread actually surprised me too. I wasn't sure how people would react when I was being completely honest about how I've felt about things. It's good to know there's other people around who are similar.
I've also only ever really had one or two close friends at a time. Over the last few years though, those relationships have drifted apart. I've completely lost touch with one of my friends, and the other we're just not as close anymore for some reason. I think part of it was on me though. I feel I've messed things up before and I've had to distance myself a bit from people. I guess it's a defense mechanism of sorts. I've been more comfortable and able to focus on my own life though because of it, so I don't think it's a bad thing. It's about time I've focused on myself anyway.
I have also found that while my good friends are gone (I do have many friends, but nobody who is not a family member that is close to me), the introspection that void has given me has allowed me to at least reign in some of my behavior issues and think for myself about the issues in life. I still miss my friends of old, the only things I still pine to return to, but I am now a person, and I doubt I would be able to connect to them if they came back anyway. Few things hurt worse than losing friends, especially when you are the reason they are gone.
First post, likely my last. I don't post on forums much. I will try not to be too religious, but to answer your question I must tread to what my life is, not what some may wish it to be.
I rarely feel like I am moving along in my life. But neither do I feel like I am going still. I know I advance, in the few ways that I do. But there is a great divide between my feelings and my knowledge, and I must lament that. I do not feel the purpose in and of life, but I know it very well. But any reasons to go on do not give me the energy to do so.
I do believe in God, I could even be called a Christian if I wasn't such a poor one. I have given whole years of thought to my "faith". But my belief in God and the things I am called to do in life to not make me want to do them. The mandates of God are intentionally unnatural. The point of life is to conquer yourself. It is to bend your own mind, your own form, your own very being to your will. As with most humans, I fall short of this charge in my youth, and am not likely to complete it before my timely demise.
I do not seek my death, but from what I can tell of my own behavior, I do not seek life either. I do not often "feel" love towards my family, but I know that love is more than feeling. I do not seek advancement in careers, but I am a lazy bum who doesn't really want to work much anyway. Plus I'm 21 and in college, got a little while to go before starting the True Grind. I think about so many things, but rarely do I pause to think if I would rather just not wake up. My feeling capabilities seem to be a little wacky, but the more I thing about life, expectations, meaning and all that fun stuff the less I I feel inclined to do anything but ponder.
When I was younger and pumped up on hormones , I wanted to find a nice girl worth loving. That used to be something I looked forward to. Not just sex, but finding a mind worth sharing mine with (And I am not as smart or brilliant as I try to sound), finding a mind actually worth knowing. I have stopped being so hopeful for it, I have ruined enough of myself to dash the already meek chance of success on that field much, much lower. But I have recognized that only wanting to find love is, while nice, not much. A poster before my said it quite well, our minds give meaning to our feelings and experiences. The pleasures and pains of this life are not what defines us, but what we do in the face of them.
I don't hope much anymore. Sure, I get excited about Lego wars with my brothers, playing Diablo 3, and all of that. But those are games, not worthy of true hope. I do not despair much either. My life is as devoid of pain as it is of pleasure. And in that, I am a failed human, waiting for the bitch-slap to the face to give impetus to my life.
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I am not sure what you are asking, but I will try to answer anyway.
While I have emotionally loved many people in ages past, be it romantic love or brotherly love, only one person has come close to capturing my mind's affection. As with the start of many romance novels, I could never have her for she loved another. But I loved her enough to try to re-facilitate her relationship with her ex. I know now that trying to get back with the ex is a lot like waging a land war in Asia. Just don't. Anyway, Captain Hindsight is not my favorite super-hero. It didn't work out, I willingly sacrificed a whole lot, only to take it back. Ruined that friendship hard. But while I proved to her that I can be an ass, I also proved to myself how much of an ass I can be. That is good intel to have!
I have improved myself, refined what I seek in friends and relationships, refined how I engage with them and improved myself. I have also gone down many dark and self destructive paths and still tread them. I do not regret what I have done, only in the sense that guilt only gets you do far. What I did was wrong, I see that. I have let go of that guilt, otherwise it will only make me a worse person than the one who wronged my friend.
When I remember my friends, I do still pine for them. I do miss them, and that tells me that even though I may not be able to connect with them, if they called me and needed my help with something I would do it in a heartbeat. I do wonder what they have become now, which ties into one of my life's greater joys: other people.
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I have also found that while my good friends are gone (I do have many friends, but nobody who is not a family member that is close to me), the introspection that void has given me has allowed me to at least reign in some of my behavior issues and think for myself about the issues in life. I still miss my friends of old, the only things I still pine to return to, but I am now a person, and I doubt I would be able to connect to them if they came back anyway. Few things hurt worse than losing friends, especially when you are the reason they are gone.
0
I rarely feel like I am moving along in my life. But neither do I feel like I am going still. I know I advance, in the few ways that I do. But there is a great divide between my feelings and my knowledge, and I must lament that. I do not feel the purpose in and of life, but I know it very well. But any reasons to go on do not give me the energy to do so.
I do believe in God, I could even be called a Christian if I wasn't such a poor one. I have given whole years of thought to my "faith". But my belief in God and the things I am called to do in life to not make me want to do them. The mandates of God are intentionally unnatural. The point of life is to conquer yourself. It is to bend your own mind, your own form, your own very being to your will. As with most humans, I fall short of this charge in my youth, and am not likely to complete it before my timely demise.
I do not seek my death, but from what I can tell of my own behavior, I do not seek life either. I do not often "feel" love towards my family, but I know that love is more than feeling. I do not seek advancement in careers, but I am a lazy bum who doesn't really want to work much anyway. Plus I'm 21 and in college, got a little while to go before starting the True Grind. I think about so many things, but rarely do I pause to think if I would rather just not wake up. My feeling capabilities seem to be a little wacky, but the more I thing about life, expectations, meaning and all that fun stuff the less I I feel inclined to do anything but ponder.
When I was younger and pumped up on hormones , I wanted to find a nice girl worth loving. That used to be something I looked forward to. Not just sex, but finding a mind worth sharing mine with (And I am not as smart or brilliant as I try to sound), finding a mind actually worth knowing. I have stopped being so hopeful for it, I have ruined enough of myself to dash the already meek chance of success on that field much, much lower. But I have recognized that only wanting to find love is, while nice, not much. A poster before my said it quite well, our minds give meaning to our feelings and experiences. The pleasures and pains of this life are not what defines us, but what we do in the face of them.
I don't hope much anymore. Sure, I get excited about Lego wars with my brothers, playing Diablo 3, and all of that. But those are games, not worthy of true hope. I do not despair much either. My life is as devoid of pain as it is of pleasure. And in that, I am a failed human, waiting for the bitch-slap to the face to give impetus to my life.