((I'm a fairly inexperienced writer, so I've yet to dabble in quite a few areas. This story is going to be an exploration of the sinister and terrible. I've never written anything like this before, but I'm going to do my best to make it as horrifying as possible. You may not want to read this if books/movies with scenes of intense gore, such as Saw, bother you. I know it's long, but please read it and tell me what you think!))
Adflict, Lord of Torment
Chapter 1
Average Diablo Fan Fiction Club Review Score: 8/10
A child of 6 years played innocently in a field behind the house in which she and her family had lived for the duration of her short life. She knelt on the ground, holding a short stick, nudging a small beetle across the ground. She wasn't precisely sure where the bug was going, but she was certain that she was helping him get there more quickly. After each 'helpful' push from the stick, the beetle stumbled awkwardly in an attempt to reorient himself in the direction he had initially been traveling.
When the beetle had traveled to a point the girl could no longer reach with her stick, she stood, took a few steps, and knelt back down being careful to set her knees on a grassy patch to keep her long, dark-brown skirt from getting dirty. She then flipped a tress of hair over her shoulder that was so light-blonde it had often been mistaken for white. This ensured that her hair wouldn't interfere with her work, as it was long enough to reach the ground from her kneeling position.
Just as she extended her arm to give the beetle another helpful nudge, she noticed the ground seemed to darken as if obscured by shadow. She took the sun's extinguishing to be the work of a cloud wandering overhead and ignored the minor inconvenience. After all, if she didn't help the beetle, who would?
"Jessa!" The girl's mother called from a strong stone's throw away, by the house. "Jessa, come inside my love, there's a storm on the way!"
Jessa looked in the direction the warning had come from, expecting to see her mother waving from across the field. Instead, she saw a darkness that struck her as quite unusual, even considering her short lifetime. She looked on for a moment, tilting her head from one side to the other. Somehow she thought this head-bobbing motion would help her see further in the darkness. After a few seconds she was able to make out the silhouette of her mother, in fact, waving at her from across the field.
The head-bobbing works! Jessa thought as she rose to her feet. She loosened her grip on the stick and allowed it to drop to the ground. This stick would mark her spot so that she could come back and finish helping the beetle once the storm had passed. She didn't feel as though she was in any hurry, but her youthful abundance of energy compelled her to run towards her mother.
After only a few steps progress the world brightened once more with intense ferocity, only this time the field, house, and Jessa's mother were all tinged a vibrant-red color. In this light, Jessa could see her mother's face, but her expression had changed wildly. The face, at one point, had been content and casual but now was marked with fear. Immediately after Jessa recognized her mother's emotion, there was a loud crash of thunder, louder than any Jessa had ever heard before.
BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessa felt her whole body shake from the violent burst of sound, and she was subsequently thrown toward the ground. However, she wasn't totally sure if the thunder had pushed her to the ground or if the earth itself shook. Just as she hit the ground, the light vanished, but the enormous blast of thunder continued to echo as if from all directions.
"Lerrick! Oh, Lerrick, come at once!" Jessa's mother cried as she witnessed these events. She sprinted full-speed towards her daughter who was trying to bring herself back to her feet.
Jessa had risen to her hands and knees in an effort to regain her composure but stopped short upon feeling an intense pain in her arm. She supported herself on her legs and her good arm, then inspected the pained limb to see what damage had been done. She found a deep scratch on her elbow that bled a bit, but no worse than other cuts and scrapes she had received throughout her years as an adventurous child.
Jessa lifted the leg opposite her good arm and rose to one knee in a renewed effort to stand up. Then, suddenly, the world shone red once more. This burst of light was also accompanied by the monstrous thunder, however, on this occasion she was sure she felt the ground tremble beneath her and she found herself falling down once more.
BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This time Jessa landed on her back, facing the opposite direction of her mother. With this point of view she saw a wicked, jagged bolt of crimson lightning spanning from an impossibly dark mass of clouds in the sky to the freshly broken and upheaved terrain that used to be the center of her family's field. She hadn't experienced anything of this nature before, but she was young enough to not know if this was a naturally ocurring phenomenon. Judging from her mother's reaction, she decided, whether natural or not, it was an event that was to be feared.
The door to their house flung open, and a tall man came running out. His hair and his pants were soaking wet and he had beads of water all over his skin. It was fairly obvious that he had been bathing when he heard his wife's call for help. "Great Heavens almighty, Jennice, what is going on out here?!" Lerrick questioned direly as he saw the unnatural darkness, having heard the loud crashes of thunder and felt the tremors while he was bathing.
"J-Jessa!" Was all Jennice could reply as she ran out into the field. Lerrick's heart jumped into his throat upon hearing his wife's distressed proclamation of his only child's name. He started after her as soon as his wits returned.
Just as Lerrick began running the earth jolted underneath him. The ground seemed to lurch backward several feet in the blink of an eye, causing both he and Jennice to fall flat on their stomachs. This quake was accompanied by more red light and great thunder, both of which refused to go away, unlike those before.
Lerrick pressed his arms forward, vaulting himself to his knees. When he looked back to the field he saw a sight that nothing he had witnessed in all his years of life could have prepared him for. The dark-red lightning had now coalesced into an enormous swirling maelstrom that stood at least twice the height of his house. From the top of the crimson vortex forked undying beams of the red lightning, sprawling upwards into the black clouds. The electricity crackled and buzzed in the air as its tendrils danced through the sky. He saw the ground surrounding the red maelstrom was falling away at a rapid pace, leaving only a narrow pathway of broken earth which appeared to him to be a bridge leading out from the vortex. In place of the fallen land, Lerrick viewed a lake of fire. The lake seemed to flow underneath the ground as if the entirety of the field's remains floated atop a massive river of flame. He seemed to notice just then that Jessa lay sobbing at the edge of the newly-formed bridge of earth.
The quakes subsided at long last, reminding Lerrick to stand up and run to his daughter. Jennice apparently had the same thought as she also jumped to her feet and renewed her sprint.
Before they could get to her, however, a blinding light came from the crimson maelstrom, which caused both of them to stop in their tracks and shield their eyes. The flash dissipated and all three family members stared awestruck toward the vortex, petrified from whatever might happen next.
A creature formed from within the whirling pool of lightning, at least half again as tall as Lerrick. The being appeared to have a human-like body, but was certainly anything but human. The thing's skin was black and leathery. Its skull was extended upward and back, at least the length of it's arm, ending in what looked to be a crown formed from its bone and flesh. It's hands were gaunt and bony, and, in place of fingernails, had claws that were as long and as sharp as a blade Lerrick might have used to cut the grass in the field. It was obvious that the creature had legs, but they were thin and hung from the torso uselessly. There was a black mist shrouding the bottom of its legs, but it looked as though the being didn't walk. It was as if it hovered a hand's-length above the ground. Behind its back appeared to be a tail of black and red flame. This tail drifted slowly back and forth as the creature moved along the ground.
Lerrick watched in grim awe as the abomination drifted out along the earthen pathway... and towards Jessa! Apparently Jennice had already noticed the fiend's trajectory and had launched toward her daughter to pull her out of harm's way. Lerrick looked on in horror to see the thing's head turn toward Jennice... and what seemed to be a smile grew on its face. Fire shown through its jagged teeth, but its mouth did not move as it spoke, "So, mortals are as foolish as I've heard..." The voice seemed to come not from its mouth, but from inside of Lerrick's head.
The beast raised a clawed hand, the palm facing upward, in Jennice's direction. Lerrick saw her stop instantly. Her arms shot up from her sides, and her body began lifting off of the ground! He tried to run to her, but his body couldn't comply. In fact, he couldn't even blink! It was as though he was being forced to look at his suspended wife.
The monster then raised its other hand, the palm facing sideways, and raked its claws above the first hand. As the creature did this, Jennice's clothing ripped off to one side in shreds, and Lerrick saw crimson lines form across his wife's body. One above her ankles, one just below her hips, another across her wrists and midsection, and a fourth across her neck. He reluctantly watched in abhorrance as her body separated into pieces and fell one at a time. Her feet and legs split from her body, blood spilling out onto the ground. then her hands detached, her fingers twitching as they fell. Her lower torso then slipped away with a disgusting sloshing sound. Intestines and other organs slung downward from her upper torso upon the relievance of the lower half. The upper half then followed suit and crashed atop the other body parts with a sickening thud.
Jennice's neck dripped streams of blood, but it did not fall. Instead, the evil being motioned his hand in Lerrick's direction and his wife's head flew over, coming to a stop hovering just in front of his face.
Lerrick wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to close his eyes, but he simply had no control over his body. He was forced to stare at his wife's face, contorted by anguish and terror, her eyes rolled so far back that he could see only their bloodshot whites. After several seconds, that seemed like hours, of being tortured by this vision, the beast flung his hand outward and Jennice's head flew away into the field. Blood from her neck stained his bare chest and flung to the ground as the head spun.
Lerrick's body now raised off of the ground and approached the killer, he was certain that he was going to meet a similar fate. His body drifted over the ground and stopped near his daughter, who had her face cupped in her hands as she bawled. Lerrick hoped with all his soul that Jessa hadn't seen what had happened to her mother, and that she wouldn't see what was about to happen to him...
To Lerrick's surprise, and horror, the fiend once more extended a clawed hand, this time in the direction of Jessa. Just as had happened to her mother, Jessa's arms and legs shot out from under her and she hovered above the ground. The evil creature gestured toward Lerrick and her tiny body raised up to meet her father's stare from a few foot-lengths away. Neither of them could do, or say, anything, but Lerrick was certain that she knew all he wanted to say to her in their last moments.
The horrible being brought up its other arm and moved it around a bit, as if drawing something in the air. Black smoke appeared in front of the beast. The smoke began swirling and tightening until it took a shape that looked like several spears attached together by a cross-shaped bar. Lerrick watched helplessly as the spears lined up perfectly behind his daughter, Jessa's body. The being flicked his clawed hand and the spears stabbed through her little wrists and ankles from behind. She couldn't cry out in pain, but tears poured down her reddened cheeks as the hellforged device pierced her skin.
The demon dropped his first hand and Jessa's body went limp, still suspended by the spears. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she fainted from the overwhelming pain she felt.
Lerrick's body was then propelled around Jessa's and towards the creature. He stopped a body's length away from the terrifying being, all of his hellish features now easily visible up close. Its mouth opened in a smile, once more revealing flame. As he spoke, all varieties of nightmarish demons started cascading forth from the crimson-lightning maelstrom, some so large they had to squat their bodies to fit through the giant portal.
"Mortal, I am Adflict, Lord of Torment! Your time in this realm has come to an end. Go forth and tell all in your 'Sanctuary' that the reign of mortals is over. Your family's suffering will have been paltry in comparison to the agony I bring!"
With that, Adflict raised his clawed hands and Lerrick vanished.
Average Diablo Fan Fiction Club Review Score: 8/10
A robed man sat in a tavern, nervously tapping his empty mug with a blue-tinged hand. The glass frosted over where his skin touched it. Clearly-visible wisps of steam rose from his cold fingers, a feature which he came to understand that, along with his pinkish-bluish skin, he could not hide. His eyes were fixed on the mug before him, but he didn't need to look around to know that people were staring at him. He considered donning his hood to conceal his anxious expression but decided that would only draw more attention, and the last thing he wanted right now was to be noticed. He felt not the cold from his body, but anyone within conversing distance noticed the air grow cool and dry. Perhaps this was why all the nearby tables in the tavern were vacant.
Certainly everything around him was a disturbing reminder of the oaths he had taken only two days prior. The chilled man recalled the event with perplexed distaste...
"Criton," the robed man recalled himself being addressed at his home. "Criton, I have chosen you to protect Sanctuary," a beautiful being said to him in a voice that was both lyrical and commanding. The speaker was unlike any creature Criton had seen in his life. It's body appeared human, but no skin could be seen to confirm this notion. The being wore a golden suit of armor, fit for any king entering battle, but had no helmet. Instead a cloth hood protruded from the shining breastplate. A face should have been visible within the hood, but darkness seemed to consume the area, and no sign of humanity was to be found inside. The one attribute that assured Criton he wasn't speaking with a human was a set of wings that flowed from the being's back. Or at least, "wings" was the only name Criton knew to call them. To him they more closely resembled white tentacles of flame floating gently behind the figure. Tyreal, he said his name was...
"A force will soon be unleashed upon the realm of mortals the likes of which has never even been imagined." Tyreal's voice boomed through Criton's small room. He wasn't sure whether he should be frightened, humbled, or any other emotion, but he knew that his mother would soon come running into the room upon hearing the boisterous voice.
"Your future has placed you, irreparably, in the path of this force," Tyreal continued. "I can grant you a power with which to defend yourself, but you're not the only one in danger. You will have to use this power to stop a great evil or else your entire world and all living within it will suffer horribly until time ends."
Criton stood beside his bed, unsure of how to respond, or if he should even respond at all. He simply stared at Tyreal in great awe of his presence.
"Do you accept this power?" Tyreal eventually pressed.
Criton realized he must look like a fool and tried to put on a more serious face. He quickly reassessed the words Tyreal had spoken to him. Questions, both simple and complex, flooded Criton's mind. He eventually settled on the one most prominent and responded. "So, if I accept this power you offer I'll have to face a great evil, but if I refuse, all of Sanctuary will suffer for an eternity? Do I really even have a choice in this matter?" Criton asked in desperation, hoping for a third option to somehow surface.
"You do have a choice. I understand you do not like the options, but this is what must be. It is true that to refuse this power would be to condemn humanity, but you must accept it willingly as I cannot force it upon you."
Criton paused for a moment, once again considering how to respond. "Well, I guess I accept... but--"
Before Criton could finish his sentence, Tyreal's gloved hands ascended and shone with a blinding light. Criton closed his eyes but still saw nothing but white light... and then suddenly, blackness.
Criton awoke the next morning to find his "gift" had turned his skin a pale blue color as though he had just been pulled out from a frozen lake. What's more, anything that touched him became chilled like ice. How could anyone consider this a power to be used to face a great evil? What would he do, embrace his enemies to death?
At this thought a chuckle escaped Criton's lips as he sat at the tavern's table. His breath turned to mist as it left his mouth. He overheard a few gasps from those in the bar who hadn't witnessed this phenomenon yet. Criton looked around for a moment and was once more overtaken by shame. He only wished he could find this Tyreal and ask him more questions, but he had a suspicion that wouldn't happen anytime soon. He went back to playing with his mug as he contemplated who he might be able to consult.
FASHWOOOM!
A loud sound drew Criton's attention directly above his head. To his surprise he saw a man materialize near the ceiling and begin falling toward him! The man started screaming a horrible cry as he closed in on Criton's head.
Criton thrust his arms above his head instinctively in an attempt to protect his head from the freak occurrence. As he did so he felt a great surge of warmth within his body, and strong gusts of wind and mist whipped around him, up along his arms, and against the body of the man that had so suddenly intruded on his already complicated life. The wind and mist seemed to envelop the stranger, stopping his fall, and suspended him above Criton's head!
Criton looked upward in confusion, unsure at all of what was going on. He slowly lowered his hands as he looked up at the man to get a better view and noticed that as his hands moved, so did the helpless figure above him. Taking a guess at what was happening, Criton angled his arms forward. Just as he had suspected would happen, the man also moved forward just in front of his hands, wind and mist still whipping around both of the bewildered men. Criton gestured his arms toward the ground, and the man also lowered... a bit too quickly. Criton winced as the man crashed upon the ground with more force than he had intended.
Criton jumped from his seat and rushed over to the man who was now lying on the ground shivering. He was wearing pants that had frozen to his form. He had no shirt, but beads of ice stuck to his chest and hair. Criton called out "Someone, please help me, this man is freezing to death!"
Everyone in the tavern looked on in shock, not sure what to do. Some looked at Criton as if he had instigated the event. As if he had brought the man here to be pelted by his chilled winds. Criton thought this to be a ridiculous notion, but he knew he wouldn't be able to convince anyone of this.
Just when Criton thought that he would have to carry the man with his cold body, the bartender came out from behind him with a blanket. He covered the man with the blanket and rubbed at his body vigorously in an attempt to help the man's blood warm him up. The bartender looked at Criton and said "Help me carry him to the back. I have some warm clothes he can wear.
The two hefted the blanketed man and carried him towards a back room in the tavern.
Fan Fiction Title: Adflict, Lord of Torment Part/Chapter: 1 - 2 Score: 8/10 Review: The concept you've got started here is very interesting and already I'm being compelled by the new villain you're introducing here. Criton seems, thus far, somewhat two-dimensional, but I'm sure that will change with time. I also appreciate that you did not spare the child, as many authors would have felt compelled to. I am a big stickler for reality in fiction, and bad things do happen to good people in reality.
There's only two things I'm not liking so much; one is the inclusion of Tyrael as the force of 'good' bestowing Criton with his powers. I feel like Tyrael is a little overused within Diablo fanfiction and it might have been nice to see someone new. I do understand, though, that he is the one we are most familiar with. The other thing is simply that the installments could be a little longer. Right now you're including a lot of detail, which works, but the chapters seem inconsistently short with the amount of detail you're putting into them.
All in all though, a nice read. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I introduced Tyreal because I wanted to include something familiar to all Diablo fans, regardless of whether or not they had read the Diablo novels. And, more lore-fitting, Tyreal has a larger interest in Sanctuary and it's inhabitants. Lastly, and most importantly, Tyreal is just a badass
I'll keep your comments in mind as I add on to the story, thanks again for the review!
EDIT: Oh, and about the shortness... I wanted to keep everything kind of short and sweet for now since long posts can be a bit intimidating to casual readers. The story didn't get any comments after Chapter 1 was posted so you might notice Chapter 2 was even shorter... Maybe I oughtta start breaking up the chapters into smaller parts? Or maybe if people get more interested in my writing I'll spread out future fan fictions a bit more.
Probably. But it's a worthy cause nonetheless to try and expand it.
As for your story, I haven't read it. In fact, I don't believe I've read any fan-fiction here since 07. Maybe I'll check out this reviewing option though
PlugY for Diablo II allows you to reset skills and stats, transfer items between characters in singleplayer, obtain all ladder runewords and do all Uberquests while offline. It is the only way to do all of the above. Please use it.
Supporting big shoulderpads and flashy armor since 2004.
Fan Fiction Title: Adflict, Lord of Torment
Part/Chapter: 1 - 2
Score: 9/10
Review: For some reason, I was laughing when Tyreal gave some guy a choice of taking the crown (or something) and facing some evil no one wants to face or to decline and let the world suffer. It's how good is. They make someone else do the work. Let's face it. They're lazy angels who speak four thousand languages. HA!
Now to criticize it. That is, if I can find anything....
AHA!
Now what I don't understand (provided I read correctly) as to why the wife suffered a gory death, while the child just hovered over her father and was somehow killed. Maybe you could be descriptive again with the child's death like you were with the mother's. But apart from that interesting, and worth chewing my nails for the third chapter.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
One rule about me: If I'm going to tolerate your insanity, you will tolerate mine.
Almost all men can stand adversity. If you want to test a mans character, give him power.
You see what power is; holding someone else's fear in your hand and showing it to them.
Thanks for the review Auruoa! To correct something in your post, the the story never actually said the girl died, just that she fainted from overwhelming pain. I left it like that for a reason
Glad to hear you're looking forward to chapter 3, I'm excited to start writing again now that I'm back from my forum hiatus!
Fan Fiction Title: Adflict, Lord of Torment
Part/Chapter: 1/2
Score:8/10
Review: I enjoyed reading the first two chapters of Adflict; however, I found them relatively short and slightly devoid of plot. For example, the second chapter is really bare bones, and doesn't really help advance the storyline much. Sure, the main character is introduced (rather vaguely, at that), but just as we begin to get a sense of the conflict that is escalating, we're cut off - forced to wait until the third chapter. I suggest going back and adding some more meat to it, describing the main character physically some more would help. Another gripe I had was with the description of Adflict, as I found him not that realistic. If you were a true Lord of Torment, you would have an entourage, yes? Make his entrance into the Sanctuary more flashy and dramatic. Jennice and Jenna's deaths lacked a lot of human qualities about them as well, such as screaming. A true Lord of Torment would live for the heart-wrenching screams, I believe.
Anyway, I hope you find this useful to your writing : D. Keep it up.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Chapter length is something I've been fighting with myself over, but after 2 comments about the 2nd chapter being too short I think I've gotten my answer. As for Adflict's entrance I found it to be very flashy and dramatic! And he DID have an entourage, it was a pretty small line in the first chapter, but I'll quote it real fast "As he spoke, all varieties of nightmarish demons started cascading forth from the crimson-lightning maelstrom, some so large they had to squat their bodies to fit through the giant portal."
Anywho, I've often thought about going back and adding more detail to the story cuz I really like the characters I've created... but my thinking is that it would take a long time to add in all the details I want (details like character descriptions of Jenna, Jennice, and Lerrick, their homestead, also descriptions of the monsters that followed Adflict out of the portal), and right now I'm just writing a quick story because it's fun. Maybe once the story is finished I'll go back and refine it, but for now it's all in good fun.
Thank you for reading and reviewing! Chapter length is something I've been fighting with myself over, but after 2 comments about the 2nd chapter being too short I think I've gotten my answer. As for Adflict's entrance I found it to be very flashy and dramatic! And he DID have an entourage, it was a pretty small line in the first chapter, but I'll quote it real fast "As he spoke, all varieties of nightmarish demons started cascading forth from the crimson-lightning maelstrom, some so large they had to squat their bodies to fit through the giant portal."
Anywho, I've often thought about going back and adding more detail to the story cuz I really like the characters I've created... but my thinking is that it would take a long time to add in all the details I want (details like character descriptions of Jenna, Jennice, and Lerrick, their homestead, also descriptions of the monsters that followed Adflict out of the portal), and right now I'm just writing a quick story because it's fun. Maybe once the story is finished I'll go back and refine it, but for now it's all in good fun.
P.S. The story never actually said Jenna died
Ah, I must have overlooked the entourage in my haste to read the riveting chapter ;). No honestly, you've stumbled onto a good thing. I had to look long and hard for things that didn't quite go with me, and even then it was hard to find things I didn't agree with. Chapter length is always a good thing, as every chapter should always advance the storyline. Really though, keep it up!
I might have to write my own fan fic, it seems like fun.
Adflict, Lord of Torment
Chapter 1
Average Diablo Fan Fiction Club Review Score: 8/10
A child of 6 years played innocently in a field behind the house in which she and her family had lived for the duration of her short life. She knelt on the ground, holding a short stick, nudging a small beetle across the ground. She wasn't precisely sure where the bug was going, but she was certain that she was helping him get there more quickly. After each 'helpful' push from the stick, the beetle stumbled awkwardly in an attempt to reorient himself in the direction he had initially been traveling.
When the beetle had traveled to a point the girl could no longer reach with her stick, she stood, took a few steps, and knelt back down being careful to set her knees on a grassy patch to keep her long, dark-brown skirt from getting dirty. She then flipped a tress of hair over her shoulder that was so light-blonde it had often been mistaken for white. This ensured that her hair wouldn't interfere with her work, as it was long enough to reach the ground from her kneeling position.
Just as she extended her arm to give the beetle another helpful nudge, she noticed the ground seemed to darken as if obscured by shadow. She took the sun's extinguishing to be the work of a cloud wandering overhead and ignored the minor inconvenience. After all, if she didn't help the beetle, who would?
"Jessa!" The girl's mother called from a strong stone's throw away, by the house. "Jessa, come inside my love, there's a storm on the way!"
Jessa looked in the direction the warning had come from, expecting to see her mother waving from across the field. Instead, she saw a darkness that struck her as quite unusual, even considering her short lifetime. She looked on for a moment, tilting her head from one side to the other. Somehow she thought this head-bobbing motion would help her see further in the darkness. After a few seconds she was able to make out the silhouette of her mother, in fact, waving at her from across the field.
The head-bobbing works! Jessa thought as she rose to her feet. She loosened her grip on the stick and allowed it to drop to the ground. This stick would mark her spot so that she could come back and finish helping the beetle once the storm had passed. She didn't feel as though she was in any hurry, but her youthful abundance of energy compelled her to run towards her mother.
After only a few steps progress the world brightened once more with intense ferocity, only this time the field, house, and Jessa's mother were all tinged a vibrant-red color. In this light, Jessa could see her mother's face, but her expression had changed wildly. The face, at one point, had been content and casual but now was marked with fear. Immediately after Jessa recognized her mother's emotion, there was a loud crash of thunder, louder than any Jessa had ever heard before.
BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jessa felt her whole body shake from the violent burst of sound, and she was subsequently thrown toward the ground. However, she wasn't totally sure if the thunder had pushed her to the ground or if the earth itself shook. Just as she hit the ground, the light vanished, but the enormous blast of thunder continued to echo as if from all directions.
"Lerrick! Oh, Lerrick, come at once!" Jessa's mother cried as she witnessed these events. She sprinted full-speed towards her daughter who was trying to bring herself back to her feet.
Jessa had risen to her hands and knees in an effort to regain her composure but stopped short upon feeling an intense pain in her arm. She supported herself on her legs and her good arm, then inspected the pained limb to see what damage had been done. She found a deep scratch on her elbow that bled a bit, but no worse than other cuts and scrapes she had received throughout her years as an adventurous child.
Jessa lifted the leg opposite her good arm and rose to one knee in a renewed effort to stand up. Then, suddenly, the world shone red once more. This burst of light was also accompanied by the monstrous thunder, however, on this occasion she was sure she felt the ground tremble beneath her and she found herself falling down once more.
BOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This time Jessa landed on her back, facing the opposite direction of her mother. With this point of view she saw a wicked, jagged bolt of crimson lightning spanning from an impossibly dark mass of clouds in the sky to the freshly broken and upheaved terrain that used to be the center of her family's field. She hadn't experienced anything of this nature before, but she was young enough to not know if this was a naturally ocurring phenomenon. Judging from her mother's reaction, she decided, whether natural or not, it was an event that was to be feared.
The door to their house flung open, and a tall man came running out. His hair and his pants were soaking wet and he had beads of water all over his skin. It was fairly obvious that he had been bathing when he heard his wife's call for help. "Great Heavens almighty, Jennice, what is going on out here?!" Lerrick questioned direly as he saw the unnatural darkness, having heard the loud crashes of thunder and felt the tremors while he was bathing.
"J-Jessa!" Was all Jennice could reply as she ran out into the field. Lerrick's heart jumped into his throat upon hearing his wife's distressed proclamation of his only child's name. He started after her as soon as his wits returned.
Just as Lerrick began running the earth jolted underneath him. The ground seemed to lurch backward several feet in the blink of an eye, causing both he and Jennice to fall flat on their stomachs. This quake was accompanied by more red light and great thunder, both of which refused to go away, unlike those before.
Lerrick pressed his arms forward, vaulting himself to his knees. When he looked back to the field he saw a sight that nothing he had witnessed in all his years of life could have prepared him for. The dark-red lightning had now coalesced into an enormous swirling maelstrom that stood at least twice the height of his house. From the top of the crimson vortex forked undying beams of the red lightning, sprawling upwards into the black clouds. The electricity crackled and buzzed in the air as its tendrils danced through the sky. He saw the ground surrounding the red maelstrom was falling away at a rapid pace, leaving only a narrow pathway of broken earth which appeared to him to be a bridge leading out from the vortex. In place of the fallen land, Lerrick viewed a lake of fire. The lake seemed to flow underneath the ground as if the entirety of the field's remains floated atop a massive river of flame. He seemed to notice just then that Jessa lay sobbing at the edge of the newly-formed bridge of earth.
The quakes subsided at long last, reminding Lerrick to stand up and run to his daughter. Jennice apparently had the same thought as she also jumped to her feet and renewed her sprint.
Before they could get to her, however, a blinding light came from the crimson maelstrom, which caused both of them to stop in their tracks and shield their eyes. The flash dissipated and all three family members stared awestruck toward the vortex, petrified from whatever might happen next.
A creature formed from within the whirling pool of lightning, at least half again as tall as Lerrick. The being appeared to have a human-like body, but was certainly anything but human. The thing's skin was black and leathery. Its skull was extended upward and back, at least the length of it's arm, ending in what looked to be a crown formed from its bone and flesh. It's hands were gaunt and bony, and, in place of fingernails, had claws that were as long and as sharp as a blade Lerrick might have used to cut the grass in the field. It was obvious that the creature had legs, but they were thin and hung from the torso uselessly. There was a black mist shrouding the bottom of its legs, but it looked as though the being didn't walk. It was as if it hovered a hand's-length above the ground. Behind its back appeared to be a tail of black and red flame. This tail drifted slowly back and forth as the creature moved along the ground.
Lerrick watched in grim awe as the abomination drifted out along the earthen pathway... and towards Jessa! Apparently Jennice had already noticed the fiend's trajectory and had launched toward her daughter to pull her out of harm's way. Lerrick looked on in horror to see the thing's head turn toward Jennice... and what seemed to be a smile grew on its face. Fire shown through its jagged teeth, but its mouth did not move as it spoke, "So, mortals are as foolish as I've heard..." The voice seemed to come not from its mouth, but from inside of Lerrick's head.
The beast raised a clawed hand, the palm facing upward, in Jennice's direction. Lerrick saw her stop instantly. Her arms shot up from her sides, and her body began lifting off of the ground! He tried to run to her, but his body couldn't comply. In fact, he couldn't even blink! It was as though he was being forced to look at his suspended wife.
The monster then raised its other hand, the palm facing sideways, and raked its claws above the first hand. As the creature did this, Jennice's clothing ripped off to one side in shreds, and Lerrick saw crimson lines form across his wife's body. One above her ankles, one just below her hips, another across her wrists and midsection, and a fourth across her neck. He reluctantly watched in abhorrance as her body separated into pieces and fell one at a time. Her feet and legs split from her body, blood spilling out onto the ground. then her hands detached, her fingers twitching as they fell. Her lower torso then slipped away with a disgusting sloshing sound. Intestines and other organs slung downward from her upper torso upon the relievance of the lower half. The upper half then followed suit and crashed atop the other body parts with a sickening thud.
Jennice's neck dripped streams of blood, but it did not fall. Instead, the evil being motioned his hand in Lerrick's direction and his wife's head flew over, coming to a stop hovering just in front of his face.
Lerrick wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to close his eyes, but he simply had no control over his body. He was forced to stare at his wife's face, contorted by anguish and terror, her eyes rolled so far back that he could see only their bloodshot whites. After several seconds, that seemed like hours, of being tortured by this vision, the beast flung his hand outward and Jennice's head flew away into the field. Blood from her neck stained his bare chest and flung to the ground as the head spun.
Lerrick's body now raised off of the ground and approached the killer, he was certain that he was going to meet a similar fate. His body drifted over the ground and stopped near his daughter, who had her face cupped in her hands as she bawled. Lerrick hoped with all his soul that Jessa hadn't seen what had happened to her mother, and that she wouldn't see what was about to happen to him...
To Lerrick's surprise, and horror, the fiend once more extended a clawed hand, this time in the direction of Jessa. Just as had happened to her mother, Jessa's arms and legs shot out from under her and she hovered above the ground. The evil creature gestured toward Lerrick and her tiny body raised up to meet her father's stare from a few foot-lengths away. Neither of them could do, or say, anything, but Lerrick was certain that she knew all he wanted to say to her in their last moments.
The horrible being brought up its other arm and moved it around a bit, as if drawing something in the air. Black smoke appeared in front of the beast. The smoke began swirling and tightening until it took a shape that looked like several spears attached together by a cross-shaped bar. Lerrick watched helplessly as the spears lined up perfectly behind his daughter, Jessa's body. The being flicked his clawed hand and the spears stabbed through her little wrists and ankles from behind. She couldn't cry out in pain, but tears poured down her reddened cheeks as the hellforged device pierced her skin.
The demon dropped his first hand and Jessa's body went limp, still suspended by the spears. Her eyes rolled back in her head as she fainted from the overwhelming pain she felt.
Lerrick's body was then propelled around Jessa's and towards the creature. He stopped a body's length away from the terrifying being, all of his hellish features now easily visible up close. Its mouth opened in a smile, once more revealing flame. As he spoke, all varieties of nightmarish demons started cascading forth from the crimson-lightning maelstrom, some so large they had to squat their bodies to fit through the giant portal.
"Mortal, I am Adflict, Lord of Torment! Your time in this realm has come to an end. Go forth and tell all in your 'Sanctuary' that the reign of mortals is over. Your family's suffering will have been paltry in comparison to the agony I bring!"
With that, Adflict raised his clawed hands and Lerrick vanished.
Chapter 2
Average Diablo Fan Fiction Club Review Score: 8/10
A robed man sat in a tavern, nervously tapping his empty mug with a blue-tinged hand. The glass frosted over where his skin touched it. Clearly-visible wisps of steam rose from his cold fingers, a feature which he came to understand that, along with his pinkish-bluish skin, he could not hide. His eyes were fixed on the mug before him, but he didn't need to look around to know that people were staring at him. He considered donning his hood to conceal his anxious expression but decided that would only draw more attention, and the last thing he wanted right now was to be noticed. He felt not the cold from his body, but anyone within conversing distance noticed the air grow cool and dry. Perhaps this was why all the nearby tables in the tavern were vacant.
Certainly everything around him was a disturbing reminder of the oaths he had taken only two days prior. The chilled man recalled the event with perplexed distaste...
"Criton," the robed man recalled himself being addressed at his home. "Criton, I have chosen you to protect Sanctuary," a beautiful being said to him in a voice that was both lyrical and commanding. The speaker was unlike any creature Criton had seen in his life. It's body appeared human, but no skin could be seen to confirm this notion. The being wore a golden suit of armor, fit for any king entering battle, but had no helmet. Instead a cloth hood protruded from the shining breastplate. A face should have been visible within the hood, but darkness seemed to consume the area, and no sign of humanity was to be found inside. The one attribute that assured Criton he wasn't speaking with a human was a set of wings that flowed from the being's back. Or at least, "wings" was the only name Criton knew to call them. To him they more closely resembled white tentacles of flame floating gently behind the figure. Tyreal, he said his name was...
"A force will soon be unleashed upon the realm of mortals the likes of which has never even been imagined." Tyreal's voice boomed through Criton's small room. He wasn't sure whether he should be frightened, humbled, or any other emotion, but he knew that his mother would soon come running into the room upon hearing the boisterous voice.
"Your future has placed you, irreparably, in the path of this force," Tyreal continued. "I can grant you a power with which to defend yourself, but you're not the only one in danger. You will have to use this power to stop a great evil or else your entire world and all living within it will suffer horribly until time ends."
Criton stood beside his bed, unsure of how to respond, or if he should even respond at all. He simply stared at Tyreal in great awe of his presence.
"Do you accept this power?" Tyreal eventually pressed.
Criton realized he must look like a fool and tried to put on a more serious face. He quickly reassessed the words Tyreal had spoken to him. Questions, both simple and complex, flooded Criton's mind. He eventually settled on the one most prominent and responded. "So, if I accept this power you offer I'll have to face a great evil, but if I refuse, all of Sanctuary will suffer for an eternity? Do I really even have a choice in this matter?" Criton asked in desperation, hoping for a third option to somehow surface.
"You do have a choice. I understand you do not like the options, but this is what must be. It is true that to refuse this power would be to condemn humanity, but you must accept it willingly as I cannot force it upon you."
Criton paused for a moment, once again considering how to respond. "Well, I guess I accept... but--"
Before Criton could finish his sentence, Tyreal's gloved hands ascended and shone with a blinding light. Criton closed his eyes but still saw nothing but white light... and then suddenly, blackness.
Criton awoke the next morning to find his "gift" had turned his skin a pale blue color as though he had just been pulled out from a frozen lake. What's more, anything that touched him became chilled like ice. How could anyone consider this a power to be used to face a great evil? What would he do, embrace his enemies to death?
At this thought a chuckle escaped Criton's lips as he sat at the tavern's table. His breath turned to mist as it left his mouth. He overheard a few gasps from those in the bar who hadn't witnessed this phenomenon yet. Criton looked around for a moment and was once more overtaken by shame. He only wished he could find this Tyreal and ask him more questions, but he had a suspicion that wouldn't happen anytime soon. He went back to playing with his mug as he contemplated who he might be able to consult.
FASHWOOOM!
A loud sound drew Criton's attention directly above his head. To his surprise he saw a man materialize near the ceiling and begin falling toward him! The man started screaming a horrible cry as he closed in on Criton's head.
Criton thrust his arms above his head instinctively in an attempt to protect his head from the freak occurrence. As he did so he felt a great surge of warmth within his body, and strong gusts of wind and mist whipped around him, up along his arms, and against the body of the man that had so suddenly intruded on his already complicated life. The wind and mist seemed to envelop the stranger, stopping his fall, and suspended him above Criton's head!
Criton looked upward in confusion, unsure at all of what was going on. He slowly lowered his hands as he looked up at the man to get a better view and noticed that as his hands moved, so did the helpless figure above him. Taking a guess at what was happening, Criton angled his arms forward. Just as he had suspected would happen, the man also moved forward just in front of his hands, wind and mist still whipping around both of the bewildered men. Criton gestured his arms toward the ground, and the man also lowered... a bit too quickly. Criton winced as the man crashed upon the ground with more force than he had intended.
Criton jumped from his seat and rushed over to the man who was now lying on the ground shivering. He was wearing pants that had frozen to his form. He had no shirt, but beads of ice stuck to his chest and hair. Criton called out "Someone, please help me, this man is freezing to death!"
Everyone in the tavern looked on in shock, not sure what to do. Some looked at Criton as if he had instigated the event. As if he had brought the man here to be pelted by his chilled winds. Criton thought this to be a ridiculous notion, but he knew he wouldn't be able to convince anyone of this.
Just when Criton thought that he would have to carry the man with his cold body, the bartender came out from behind him with a blanket. He covered the man with the blanket and rubbed at his body vigorously in an attempt to help the man's blood warm him up. The bartender looked at Criton and said "Help me carry him to the back. I have some warm clothes he can wear.
The two hefted the blanketed man and carried him towards a back room in the tavern.
Part/Chapter: 1 - 2
Score: 8/10
Review: The concept you've got started here is very interesting and already I'm being compelled by the new villain you're introducing here. Criton seems, thus far, somewhat two-dimensional, but I'm sure that will change with time. I also appreciate that you did not spare the child, as many authors would have felt compelled to. I am a big stickler for reality in fiction, and bad things do happen to good people in reality.
There's only two things I'm not liking so much; one is the inclusion of Tyrael as the force of 'good' bestowing Criton with his powers. I feel like Tyrael is a little overused within Diablo fanfiction and it might have been nice to see someone new. I do understand, though, that he is the one we are most familiar with. The other thing is simply that the installments could be a little longer. Right now you're including a lot of detail, which works, but the chapters seem inconsistently short with the amount of detail you're putting into them.
All in all though, a nice read. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I introduced Tyreal because I wanted to include something familiar to all Diablo fans, regardless of whether or not they had read the Diablo novels. And, more lore-fitting, Tyreal has a larger interest in Sanctuary and it's inhabitants. Lastly, and most importantly, Tyreal is just a badass
I'll keep your comments in mind as I add on to the story, thanks again for the review!
EDIT: Oh, and about the shortness... I wanted to keep everything kind of short and sweet for now since long posts can be a bit intimidating to casual readers. The story didn't get any comments after Chapter 1 was posted so you might notice Chapter 2 was even shorter... Maybe I oughtta start breaking up the chapters into smaller parts? Or maybe if people get more interested in my writing I'll spread out future fan fictions a bit more.
As for your story, I haven't read it. In fact, I don't believe I've read any fan-fiction here since 07. Maybe I'll check out this reviewing option though
Part/Chapter: 1 - 2
Score: 9/10
Review: For some reason, I was laughing when Tyreal gave some guy a choice of taking the crown (or something) and facing some evil no one wants to face or to decline and let the world suffer. It's how good is. They make someone else do the work. Let's face it. They're lazy angels who speak four thousand languages. HA!
Now to criticize it. That is, if I can find anything....
AHA!
Now what I don't understand (provided I read correctly) as to why the wife suffered a gory death, while the child just hovered over her father and was somehow killed. Maybe you could be descriptive again with the child's death like you were with the mother's. But apart from that interesting, and worth chewing my nails for the third chapter.
One rule about me:
If I'm going to tolerate your insanity, you will tolerate mine.
Almost all men can stand adversity. If you want to test a mans character, give him power.
You see what power is; holding someone else's fear in your hand and showing it to them.
Glad to hear you're looking forward to chapter 3, I'm excited to start writing again now that I'm back from my forum hiatus!
Part/Chapter: 1/2
Score:8/10
Review: I enjoyed reading the first two chapters of Adflict; however, I found them relatively short and slightly devoid of plot. For example, the second chapter is really bare bones, and doesn't really help advance the storyline much. Sure, the main character is introduced (rather vaguely, at that), but just as we begin to get a sense of the conflict that is escalating, we're cut off - forced to wait until the third chapter. I suggest going back and adding some more meat to it, describing the main character physically some more would help. Another gripe I had was with the description of Adflict, as I found him not that realistic. If you were a true Lord of Torment, you would have an entourage, yes? Make his entrance into the Sanctuary more flashy and dramatic. Jennice and Jenna's deaths lacked a lot of human qualities about them as well, such as screaming. A true Lord of Torment would live for the heart-wrenching screams, I believe.
Anyway, I hope you find this useful to your writing : D. Keep it up.
Anywho, I've often thought about going back and adding more detail to the story cuz I really like the characters I've created... but my thinking is that it would take a long time to add in all the details I want (details like character descriptions of Jenna, Jennice, and Lerrick, their homestead, also descriptions of the monsters that followed Adflict out of the portal), and right now I'm just writing a quick story because it's fun. Maybe once the story is finished I'll go back and refine it, but for now it's all in good fun.
P.S. The story never actually said Jenna died
Ah, I must have overlooked the entourage in my haste to read the riveting chapter ;). No honestly, you've stumbled onto a good thing. I had to look long and hard for things that didn't quite go with me, and even then it was hard to find things I didn't agree with. Chapter length is always a good thing, as every chapter should always advance the storyline. Really though, keep it up!
I might have to write my own fan fic, it seems like fun.