On top of the hill where the great glorious Cathedral of Light once stood, Diablo Mephisto and Baal stood in cloaked forms. Diablo The Lord of Terror steped up and breathed in the air a cloud, a cloud of Terror. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose was to covor all of Sanctuary.
Mephisto The Lord of Hatred steped up and breathed a cloud much like the one that Diablo made. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose the same and it followed the cloud of Terror
Baal The Lord of Destruction steped aup and breathed a cloud but this one is darker and more of a destructive look to it. The three clouds did something diffrent.
"It is time my brothers that we stop fighting over this world and destroy it. We shall find out how to creat our own world and destroy the forces of the High heavens once and for all. Mephisto said
"Will the angel cooperate with us?" Diablo asked
"He will cooperate with us." Baal said.
"He will see himself in his great glory and agree to help us with our promise to restore his order to this damned world." Mephisto opened a portal and Mephisto and Baal steped in. Diablo sensed something and turned around and sent a shockwave at a fool brave enough to try and spoil the plan. The blast was to late as the son of Inarius went threw a portal where the stars took a shape of a serpintine beast of myth.
"No one can stop this world from meeting its doom." Diablo said. He made a new red portal and went threw. Disapearing from his cloaked form he became the darkest shadow in Belials throne room.
"Why would you bring yourself to this place Lord Diablo?" Belial said
"Why to ask for your assistance of course Belial." Diablo replied.
"Why would you need my assistance Diablo? Are you incapable of doing something?" Belial's tone turned into mocking "The great and powerful three need assistance?"
"Me and my brothers could squash you into a pulp fool. The task I ask of you will allow us to defeat the High Heavens. So be quiet and listen. You will gather your army and attack Sanctuary. BUT you and your army will keep the childrean alive by any means necisary. If anyone even yourself kills a single child torture of the worse kind will fall upon you." Now Diablo was turning into many diffrent forms the new one more terrifying than the last.
"You expect me to give up and let Azmodan rule hell!? Ha this Sanctuary has turned you and the three into fools." Belial seemed to show emotion of fear.
"Azmodan will not rule hell. He will assist you on destroying Sanctuary then we can work on destroying the High Heavens."
Belial thought and yelled "Mantis! Come to me."
"I am here master." The shadow turned into more of a giant mantis "Xazax obeys.'
Diablo laughed "You brought back your fool of a servent? How interesting. I want that fool of a mantis to lead the army to the place most undetected by heaven. The crater created by the destruction of the Worldstone. But you Belial will go to where I first entered Sanctuary."
"Summon the army Xazax and send them to where they need to be." Belial got up and Diablo opened a portal.
"When you will enter you will assume your true form Belial." Diablo said as Belial steped through and the world now knew the true form of the Lord of Lies.
The cloud of Terror drifted over a small village that night and people awoke screaming. The screams would have sent any on looker fleeing in terror. People ran around panicing. people ran around imagining there worst fears behind them. The children of the village grouped up and headed tword where the Cathedra of Light once stood.
The cloud of Hatred drifted over the village and added to the fears people started destroying everything in sight out of hatred. People were at each others necks. All out war erupted in the village.
The cloud of Destruction drifited over the village. This cloud darker than any other produced heavy winds and whirlwinds came crashing down on the city destroying everything in sight. People paid no mind as there enemy were being sucked up and riped in half. They went and found someone new to attack until they were sucked up and destroyed along with the rest. Buildings fell becouse of Earthquakes and slaughtered people who werent sucked up the the whirlwind.
After the clouds destroyed the city and the children being teleported to a remote location in hell. The bodys of the dead rose up as skeletens. Even skeletens from the cemetary rose out of the ground. Then grouped together and went to slaughter anyone who was not in a city or village.
The plan of Chaos was going to plan
It isent safe here.
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www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
God thx for the wall of words. I think u shud make a book lol
Hope you liked it. That would be a cool opening cinimatic on the game. woudent ya think?
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
No one reads my thread no more Im sad. WHY!!! WHY!! I THOUGHT I HAD A GOOD IDEA BUT NO ONE LIKES IT! (Except for that guy ubove me)
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
God thx for the wall of words. I think u shud make a book lol
Um, If he was to write a book. You may possibly be the only one to ever buy it.
Quote from "DesmondTiny" »
Hope you liked it. That would be a cool opening cinimatic on the game. woudent ya think?
No, mainly because it's horribly written. I'm sure if there was an actual experienced writer to convey your idea, then I guess it might possibly be appealing. As of right now... No.
Quote from ".KILLING-HAZARD." »
you bet. Send that to blizzard
Uh no. You don't want tiny to be embaressed that a blizzard employee read such a bad piece of writing?
*Starts humming the Wizard of Oz's scarecrow song*
Um, If he was to write a book. You may possibly be the only one to ever buy it.
No, mainly because it's horribly written. I'm sure if there was an actual experienced writer to convey your idea, then I guess it might possibly be appealing. As of right now... No.
Uh no. You don't want tiny to be embaressed that a blizzard employee read such a bad piece of writing?
*Starts humming the Wizard of Oz's scarecrow song*
Yea I did'nt put much detail in it. I just threw it down and brought up D2 Maybe I should edit it and add some more detail.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
lmao wow, desmond ppl hate you loll.:offtopic:........its a good idea.. dont get me wrong.
I like the idea as well. I dont see why everyone else totally hates it. I guess people do hate me
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Wish more people who would like it would read it. Instead I get shot down.:(
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Have to make it interesting before people will feel motivated enough to comment on it. If you were to quickly describe this little story into a few sentences, how would you word it? Just cover the basics of it.
I could probably go through the entire story and tear it apart. I think you were aiming for more of a concept, than an actual piece of literature. So in this case, just go over what you had in mind.
Have to make it interesting before people will feel motivated enough to comment on it. If you were to quickly describe this little story into a few sentences, how would you word it? Just cover the basics of it.
I could probably go through the entire story and tear it apart. I think you were aiming for more of a concept, than an actual piece of literature. So in this case, just go over what you had in mind.
I edited and hopefully made it better. Please tell me if this is better than what it was before.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Your little story is as big a steaming heap of cow crap as the real Diablo franchise books. Good job on that ! :thumbsup: They should definetly hire you.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Quote from "KonataX" »
lol it can still easily be a ranger since who said you cant shoot arrows at melee distance xD
Quote from "Archie" »
The Barbarian is from Arreat, a very cold snowy mountain top, but they are much tougher than normal humans, so they don't need warmth.
Quote from "Archie" »
Where are Barbarians originally from? Sumeria, or more specifically Mesopotamia, AKA Europe. Think the Alps and the Pyrenees
Your little story is as big a streaming heap of cow crap as the real Diablo franchise books. Good job on that ! :thumbsup: They should definetly hire you.
Are you sugjusting I should make the pland of Order and the plan of the balance (Soemeones going to yell at me and say NO!!! NO!!!)
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
On top of the hill where the great glorious Cathedral of Light once stood, Diablo Mephisto and Baal stood in cloaked forms. Diablo The Lord of Terror steped up and breathed in the air a cloud, a cloud of Terror. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose was to covor all of Sanctuary.
Mephisto The Lord of Hatred steped up and breathed a cloud much like the one that Diablo made. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose the same and it followed the cloud of Terror
Baal The Lord of Destruction steped and did the same thing. The three clouds did something diffrent.
So I'll just sort of talk about the really unappealing parts to me. Don't take me too serious, as I am not a professional writer. Nor do I have the mental capacity to create something engaging. It's much easier to judge then to do it. I don't like how you made three seperate paragraphs/sentences to explain the same thing over and over.
It goes like this:
Diablo made a cloud.... Next Sentence
Then, Mephisto made a cloud JUST LIKE DIABLO. Weird... Next Sentence
Then, Baal made a cloud just like Diablo and Meph.
Comment:You see how lame and recycled this idea is? You should merge the ideas all into a single paragraph. Not one after the other, after the other. Get descriptive about the process of making the clouds, and then state how each cloud originated from a seperate entity. I just don't like the whole. This made a cloud. Then this made a cloud like it. Then this made a cloud like it TOO. Get my drift?
"It is time my brothers that we stop fighting over this world and destroy it. We shall find out how to creat our own world and destroy the forces of the High heavens once and for all. Mephisto said
"Will the angel cooperate with us?" Diablo said.
"He will cooperate with us." Baal said.
You have:
Mephisto said
Diablo said
Baal said
Don't forget about the terms: replied, responded, stated, whispered, questioned, asked. I think they're called adverbs(maybe, not sure?) I also notice your writing is pretty cheesy. It's like something that came out of a nintendo RPG.Sort of reminds me of SICK.
"He will see himself in his great glory and agree to help us with our promise to restore his order to this damned world." Mephisto opened a portal and Mephisto and Baal steped in. Diablo turned around and sent a shockwave at a fool brave enough to try and spoil the plan. The blast was to late as the son of Inarius went threw a portal where the stars took a shape of a serpintine beast of myth.
You have:
Cheesy line. Mephisto and baal step in a portal. Diablo sent a shockwave at another cheesy sentence. Boring sentence.
You have absolutely no descriptive skills. All of your sentences are based off of actions. Those are only good for comic strips. Since you're trying to describe things, start describing things.
Example: Diablo's senses heightened as a noise rustled behind him. He twisted his body as his tail whipped around lashingly. The Son of Inarius was coming in for surprise. Diablo, without hesitation, responded with a blast of luminescent force that radiated from his body. Son of Inarius was quick to act, dashing into a portal before impact.
Now this is just something I threw together. I am in no way a great writer. I'm simply just trying to prove that you really want to make it more descriptive. I just personally feel you jump around too much.
"No one can stop this world from meeting its doom." Diablo said. He made a new red portal and went threw. Disapearing from his cloaked form he became the darkest shadow in Belials throne room.
"Why would you bring yourself to this place Lord Diablo?" Belial said
"Why to ask for your assistance of course Belial." Diablo replied.
"Why would you need my assistance Diablo? Are you incapable of doing something?" Belial's tone turned into mocking "The great and powerful three need assistance?"
I like the "Belial's tone turned into mocking". I think you have a difficult time with dialogue. You're just trying to push the story along. All of your dialogue is too cheesy and cliche.
Now Diablo was turning into many diffrent forms the new one more terrifying than the last.
Wait, why was Diablo doing that? To show off? Modest much?
"You expect me to give up and let Azmodan rule hell!? Ha this Sanctuary has turned you and the three into fools." Belial seemed to show emotion of fear.
"Azmodan will not rule hell. He will assist you on destroying Sanctuary then we can work on destroying the High Heavens."
Belial thought and yelled "Mantis! Come to me."
"I am here master." The shadow turned into more of a giant mantis "Xazax obeys.'
Diablo laughed "You brought back your fool of a servent? How interesting. I want that fool of a mantis to lead the army to the place most undetected by heaven. The crater created by the destruction of the Worldstone. But you Belial will go to where I first entered Sanctuary."
"Summon the army Xazax and send them to where they need to be." Belial got up and Diablo opened a portal.
"When you will enter you will assume your true form Belial." Diablo said as Belial steped through.
The cloud of Terror drifted over a small village that night and people awoke screaming. The screams would have sent any on looker fleeing in terror. People ran around panicing. people ran around imagining there worst fears behind them. The children of the village grouped up and headed tword where the Cathedra of Light once stood.
The cloud of Hatred drifted over the village and added to the fears people started destroying everything in sight out of hatred. People were at each others necks. All out war erupted in the village.
The cloud of Destruction drifited over the village. This cloud darker than any other produced heavy winds and whirlwinds came crashing down on the city destroying everything in sight. People paid no mind as there enemy were being sucked up and riped in half. They went and found someone new to attack until they were sucked up and destroyed along with the rest. Buildings fell becouse of Earthquakes and slaughtered people who werent sucked up the the whirlwind.
After the clouds destroyed the city and the children being teleported to a remote location in hell. The bodys of the dead rose up as skeletens. Even skeletens from the cemetary rose out of the ground. The grouped together and went to slaughter anyone who was not in a city or village.
The plan of Chaos was going to plan
It isent safe here.
Now I really enjoyed the last half of your story. I like how you implemented each cloud in order to represent the stages of chaos. You went from terror, to hate, to destruction. Actually a cool little idea. No real complaints at the end. Just your english at times could be a bit more polished.
Anyways, that's my opinion. I didn't comment on every sentences cuz well, thatd take me forever.
Now why would you even consider critiquing him when he's just doing it for the laughs ?
You sound like my fifth grade language teacher, 59 year old 'miss' Vojdanovska (she looks like a dinosaur teabagged her by the way) when she said in her own drama club voice: " Igor, you have again managed to elude me with your dumbfounded eloquence while portraying the book's meaning in your essay"...
This is a pointless post actually. Just racking up the post-count.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Quote from "KonataX" »
lol it can still easily be a ranger since who said you cant shoot arrows at melee distance xD
Quote from "Archie" »
The Barbarian is from Arreat, a very cold snowy mountain top, but they are much tougher than normal humans, so they don't need warmth.
Quote from "Archie" »
Where are Barbarians originally from? Sumeria, or more specifically Mesopotamia, AKA Europe. Think the Alps and the Pyrenees
On top of the hill where the great glorious Cathedral of Light once stood, Diablo Mephisto and Baal stood in cloaked forms. Diablo The Lord of Terror steped up and breathed in the air a cloud, a cloud of Terror. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose was to covor all of Sanctuary.
Mephisto The Lord of Hatred steped up and breathed a cloud much like the one that Diablo made. The cloud grew and expanded the purpose the same and it followed the cloud of Terror
Baal The Lord of Destruction steped aup and breathed a cloud but this one is darker and more of a destructive look to it. The three clouds did something diffrent.
"It is time my brothers that we stop fighting over this world and destroy it. We shall find out how to creat our own world and destroy the forces of the High heavens once and for all. Mephisto said
"Will the angel cooperate with us?" Diablo asked
"He will cooperate with us." Baal said.
"He will see himself in his great glory and agree to help us with our promise to restore his order to this damned world." Mephisto opened a portal and Mephisto and Baal steped in. Diablo sensed something and turned around and sent a shockwave at a fool brave enough to try and spoil the plan. The blast was to late as the son of Inarius went threw a portal where the stars took a shape of a serpintine beast of myth.
"No one can stop this world from meeting its doom." Diablo said. He made a new red portal and went threw. Disapearing from his cloaked form he became the darkest shadow in Belials throne room.
"Why would you bring yourself to this place Lord Diablo?" Belial said
"Why to ask for your assistance of course Belial." Diablo replied.
"Why would you need my assistance Diablo? Are you incapable of doing something?" Belial's tone turned into mocking "The great and powerful three need assistance?"
"Me and my brothers could squash you into a pulp fool. The task I ask of you will allow us to defeat the High Heavens. So be quiet and listen. You will gather your army and attack Sanctuary. BUT you and your army will keep the childrean alive by any means necisary. If anyone even yourself kills a single child torture of the worse kind will fall upon you." Now Diablo was turning into many diffrent forms the new one more terrifying than the last.
"You expect me to give up and let Azmodan rule hell!? Ha this Sanctuary has turned you and the three into fools." Belial seemed to show emotion of fear.
"Azmodan will not rule hell. He will assist you on destroying Sanctuary then we can work on destroying the High Heavens."
Belial thought and yelled "Mantis! Come to me."
"I am here master." The shadow turned into more of a giant mantis "Xazax obeys.'
Diablo laughed "You brought back your fool of a servent? How interesting. I want that fool of a mantis to lead the army to the place most undetected by heaven. The crater created by the destruction of the Worldstone. But you Belial will go to where I first entered Sanctuary."
"Summon the army Xazax and send them to where they need to be." Belial got up and Diablo opened a portal.
"When you will enter you will assume your true form Belial." Diablo said as Belial steped through and the world now knew the true form of the Lord of Lies.
The cloud of Terror drifted over a small village that night and people awoke screaming. The screams would have sent any on looker fleeing in terror. People ran around panicing. people ran around imagining there worst fears behind them. The children of the village grouped up and headed tword where the Cathedra of Light once stood.
The cloud of Hatred drifted over the village and added to the fears people started destroying everything in sight out of hatred. People were at each others necks. All out war erupted in the village.
The cloud of Destruction drifited over the village. This cloud darker than any other produced heavy winds and whirlwinds came crashing down on the city destroying everything in sight. People paid no mind as there enemy were being sucked up and riped in half. They went and found someone new to attack until they were sucked up and destroyed along with the rest. Buildings fell becouse of Earthquakes and slaughtered people who werent sucked up the the whirlwind.
After the clouds destroyed the city and the children being teleported to a remote location in hell. The bodys of the dead rose up as skeletens. Even skeletens from the cemetary rose out of the ground. Then grouped together and went to slaughter anyone who was not in a city or village.
The plan of Chaos was going to plan
It isent safe here.
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Hope you liked it. That would be a cool opening cinimatic on the game. woudent ya think?
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Give me there number I'll explain it to them lol.
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
No, mainly because it's horribly written. I'm sure if there was an actual experienced writer to convey your idea, then I guess it might possibly be appealing. As of right now... No.
Uh no. You don't want tiny to be embaressed that a blizzard employee read such a bad piece of writing?
*Starts humming the Wizard of Oz's scarecrow song*
Yea I did'nt put much detail in it. I just threw it down and brought up D2 Maybe I should edit it and add some more detail.
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
I like the idea as well. I dont see why everyone else totally hates it. I guess people do hate me
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Wish more people who would like it would read it. Instead I get shot down.:(
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
I could probably go through the entire story and tear it apart. I think you were aiming for more of a concept, than an actual piece of literature. So in this case, just go over what you had in mind.
I edited and hopefully made it better. Please tell me if this is better than what it was before.
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
Are you sugjusting I should make the pland of Order and the plan of the balance (Soemeones going to yell at me and say NO!!! NO!!!)
If you want to arrange it
This world you can change it
If we could somehow make this
Christmas thing last
By helping a neighbor
Or even a stranger
And to know who needs help
You need only just ask
So I'll just sort of talk about the really unappealing parts to me. Don't take me too serious, as I am not a professional writer. Nor do I have the mental capacity to create something engaging. It's much easier to judge then to do it. I don't like how you made three seperate paragraphs/sentences to explain the same thing over and over.
It goes like this:
Diablo made a cloud....
Next Sentence
Then, Mephisto made a cloud JUST LIKE DIABLO. Weird...
Next Sentence
Then, Baal made a cloud just like Diablo and Meph.
Comment:You see how lame and recycled this idea is? You should merge the ideas all into a single paragraph. Not one after the other, after the other. Get descriptive about the process of making the clouds, and then state how each cloud originated from a seperate entity. I just don't like the whole. This made a cloud. Then this made a cloud like it. Then this made a cloud like it TOO. Get my drift?
You have:
Mephisto said
Diablo said
Baal said
Don't forget about the terms: replied, responded, stated, whispered, questioned, asked. I think they're called adverbs(maybe, not sure?) I also notice your writing is pretty cheesy. It's like something that came out of a nintendo RPG.Sort of reminds me of SICK.
You have:
Cheesy line. Mephisto and baal step in a portal. Diablo sent a shockwave at another cheesy sentence. Boring sentence.
You have absolutely no descriptive skills. All of your sentences are based off of actions. Those are only good for comic strips. Since you're trying to describe things, start describing things.
Example: Diablo's senses heightened as a noise rustled behind him. He twisted his body as his tail whipped around lashingly. The Son of Inarius was coming in for surprise. Diablo, without hesitation, responded with a blast of luminescent force that radiated from his body. Son of Inarius was quick to act, dashing into a portal before impact.
Now this is just something I threw together. I am in no way a great writer. I'm simply just trying to prove that you really want to make it more descriptive. I just personally feel you jump around too much.
I like the "Belial's tone turned into mocking". I think you have a difficult time with dialogue. You're just trying to push the story along. All of your dialogue is too cheesy and cliche.
Wait, why was Diablo doing that? To show off? Modest much?
Now I really enjoyed the last half of your story. I like how you implemented each cloud in order to represent the stages of chaos. You went from terror, to hate, to destruction. Actually a cool little idea. No real complaints at the end. Just your english at times could be a bit more polished.
Anyways, that's my opinion. I didn't comment on every sentences cuz well, thatd take me forever.
You sound like my fifth grade language teacher, 59 year old 'miss' Vojdanovska (she looks like a dinosaur teabagged her by the way) when she said in her own drama club voice: " Igor, you have again managed to elude me with your dumbfounded eloquence while portraying the book's meaning in your essay"...
This is a pointless post actually. Just racking up the post-count.
Not really. He's actually quite serious about it. Hence why he asked for my opinion of it.
I can tell.