Interesting prologue. This could get somewhere. I imagine things well, so even though there weren't descriptions I just imagined the place myself I thought it was good.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Cards and flowers on your window, your friends all plead for you to stay,
sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way."
Interesting prologue. This could get somewhere. I imagine things well, so even though there weren't descriptions I just imagined the place myself I thought it was good.
I'm glad someone got the sense of it.
And fbim4 is leaving this site. He is just making a lot of pointless posts just so he could piss off the people who hate him.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
No offense, but the vocabulary used and bad grammatical errors makes it a pretty bad prologue."mushy" "huge balls of water" "floods were happening" all within two sentences.
Just some criticism.
But if you looked over the dark horizon, you could see a figure. It was a man, wearing a black cloak so overlarged that it coverd his hands completely. He also had a hood on which was also too big. The top of it already the man’s chin, so you couldn’t see his face at all. Even his feet were covered, not even a small bit of skin was visible.
kind of hard to see a black figure in a dark horizon, dont you think?
No offense, but the vocabulary used and bad grammatical errors makes it a pretty bad prologue."mushy" "huge balls of water" "floods were happening" all within two sentences.
Just some criticism.
But if you looked over the dark horizon, you could see a figure. It was a man, wearing a black cloak so overlarged that it coverd his hands completely. He also had a hood on which was also too big. The top of it already the man’s chin, so you couldn’t see his face at all. Even his feet were covered, not even a small bit of skin was visible.
kind of hard to see a black figure in a dark horizon, dont you think?
I was thinking about that.
I was wondering who would the first to notice.
I was just trying to add some suspense to it. How else do you think I can do it? (serious question)
And with the vocabulary, I was just throwing in adjectives in there for now. What else do you think I can use?
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
Interesting prologue. This could get somewhere. I imagine things well, so even though there weren't descriptions I just imagined the place myself I thought it was good.
"Cards and flowers on your window, your friends all plead for you to stay,
sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way."
I'm glad someone got the sense of it.
And fbim4 is leaving this site. He is just making a lot of pointless posts just so he could piss off the people who hate him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
"Cards and flowers on your window, your friends all plead for you to stay,
sometimes beginnings aren't so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way."
Just some criticism.
But if you looked over the dark horizon, you could see a figure. It was a man, wearing a black cloak so overlarged that it coverd his hands completely. He also had a hood on which was also too big. The top of it already the man’s chin, so you couldn’t see his face at all. Even his feet were covered, not even a small bit of skin was visible.
kind of hard to see a black figure in a dark horizon, dont you think?
I was thinking about that.
I was wondering who would the first to notice.
I was just trying to add some suspense to it. How else do you think I can do it? (serious question)
And with the vocabulary, I was just throwing in adjectives in there for now. What else do you think I can use?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
Something to attract the sight of the villagers.
He needs to very dark.
Maybe the moon was out?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
So he has to be dark?
Maybe a spotlight?
I guess a flame in his wake would work, if that fits into your story which i doubt, judging from the raindrops on steroids.
A moon just visible through the dark clouds.
I like it!
And the flame is too intense. It needs to be more suspenseful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
Do you own a theasaurus?
Not really.
I just go to dictionary.com for those type of things.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
Mushy - "the sand beneath their feet began to liquify..." "floods were sprinkling upon the landscape like wildfire"
That works.
Thanks a lot! I'll add that right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
maybe
"floods were spread upon the landscape by the superficial beings that had created this treacherous storm."
A little too much there.
Now how about "huge balls of water".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
Want to take this to the chatroom?
Seems like we are bloating the thread a bit.
edit: after seeing jazzes and chaos' post, we are basically saving this thread, rather than doing it harm lol.
My thoughts exactly!
What chatroom?
Can you give me a link please?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.