Here is a small story I'm making up. I will post in bits. Here is what I got so far.
Please rate it. I want to know how I can fix it or make it better.
Prologue
The Flaw
Rain.
Rain.
The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain. But not just small droplets, huge balls of water were falling down from the heavens, making all the sand beneath their feet began to liquify. Floods were happening and all people were forced to higher elevation, like the great city of Denorsa. Though many just stood on their ground, waiting to die...
At the war wall, though it was destroyed in many places because of the breakthroughs, many warriors and archers had to abandon there watch and go to the nearest war shack, which was protected by the its strong stone base. Here, many visitors came to escape through the rain, spending the night there and getting food before continuing their journey to Denorsa.
At one particular shack, known as the Irusian Immigrant Shack by the small land known as the Irus, had many more visitors than usual. Families, even children, were there, gathered by the small fireplace at the corner to warm up and putting there wet clothes into a large metal box sitting on top a large fire. No one was thinking. All of their thoughts were set on surviving. Most of the time, people had plan. But that day was different. There was a flaw...
It was nighttime. The moon almost invisible through the dark clouds. The torches outside were lit with fire that was barely alive. The wind was still blowing and it raining continuously and the ground was now forming puddles instead of becoming mushy. Most of ther people in the shack were asleep, covered in small blankets. In the pub section of the shack, where most of the warriors were, many of the man were still awake and talking or just sleeping against the corner. In the corner, a person was playing the harp very quietly, barely heard above the roaring winds..
But if you looked over the dark horizon, you could see a figure. It was a man, wearing a black cloak so overlarged that it coverd his hands completely. He also had a hood on which was also too big. The top of it already the man’s chin, so you couldn’t see his face at all. Even his feet were covered, not even a small bit of skin was visible.
But the way he walked was so odd.
He stood up straight, and moved slowly, as if he was taking his time. Not even caring about that heavy balls of water were coming down on him. He was arms were folded, and as if he didn't even try to shield himself from the unforgiving downpour...
His stepped onto several puddles on the way but he finally reached the shack door. He didn’t even go for the handle, the door just opened by itself for him.
He had entered the pub, which had become automatically silent. The wind from outside entered into the room, making a glass of wine fall from a counter. Even the harpist stopped playing. Everyone’s eyes were on the stranger, for he just stood there looking around the room.
It was around five minutes of complete silence before the crowd went back to its chatty way. The harpist continued playing and the men continued talking. The hooded man stood there for a couple more seconds before finally moving. The door closed behind him and he moved to a corner with a man lying there. The man was wearing a warrior’s suit and had an almost green face. He was asleep, with a cigar in his mouth and a sword in his hand.
The hooded man stopped at the man, pulled up a chair and sat down.
The screeching of the chair when it was moved woke up the man. He blinked, looked around and saw the hooded man. He blinked again, and then his eyes relaxed.
The hooded man looked down at the man.
"May I ask?" he said. His voice was low.
"Yes..." said the man. His voice was almost dead.
"What are you doing here?"
"Someone said..."
"I have walked all this way..."
"I know..."
"I do not understand. It is a miracle that I found you here."
"There are... rumors..."
There was a slince between the men.
"Did you do what I asked you to do?" asked the hooded man.
"I have located them..."
The hooded man leaned back.
"Where have you been for the last six months? Locating one person surely does not take six months..."
"It took three..."
"What did you do with the other three months?"
The man on the corner shivered.
"I was looking for..." but he unable to continue.
"Ah..."
The hooded man leaned forward.
"Did you get it?"
"I shall tell you later," said the man in the corner. "But first... I have something you might want."
The man got up and took the bag that he was sitting on. He put his hand into it and felt around and then finally took out a scroll.
"What is it?" said the hooded man.
"A letter...." he said. "Well... Kind of... It wasn't written to anyone specifically..."
"Give it to me."
The man in the corner gave him the scroll.
"She wrote it... I found it while I went through a small cave..."
The hooded man made the scrolll flat.
I don't know how much I longer I can take... I only know that me and the rest of the survivors are very cold and very tired... I wanted some recollection of what had happened to us if we passed.
My son has been away now since the beginning... It has been almost four months since I saw him... Almost five months since I found out what was going to happen... I really hope I did something about it... I just didn't want to look like a fool... It's almost laughable now, looking back at myself... I could have saved so many people...
Everyone here is crying or just huddling in the corner. No one knows what to do... I am the only one acting sane about this... Some of the people died of sickness of by suicide, mostly by drowning themselves in the pool of water. We don't know what's going on, but there is is this inner sense of Darkness that seems to be crawling up me...
I know I can't live. I know I can't die. It seems as if I'm trapped in a tunnel, with the light getting dimmer and dimmer until it fades for eternity... I lose my life... I lose my sanity... I lost the last chance I ever had the chance to die...
Chapter 1
The Beginning
It was morning. The village was glowing orange as the sun rose and slowly lit up the desert stone. The townsfolk were waking up and preparing for the day.
The village was alone. It was one of the only in the entire region, since settlers were forbidden to come on these holy lands. Mainly since they were the home of the greatest beings on the planet, the Imprints of Gods of the Heavens.
They towered over the village. It glowed like a majestic crown. Seven magnificent pyramids encircled the great temple that humbled all other structures. They were built thousands of years ago by tribesmen to house the Gods they worshipped. They were composed of thousands of stone blocks, each individually crafted and carved, depicting great scenes from history. At the top of each pyramid was a glorious stone with carvings of gold. They glowed as the sun and stars reflected the light. The Gods within them each pyramid represented a different element on earth: Love, Light, Air, Water, Earth, Fire, and lastly, Darkness.
In the center of the circle proudly stood the Spirit Temple. It shadowed the structures around it with its magnificent color and size. Within it was a force that helped to maintain balance over all the other elements.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
the man reminds me of one of those things from hairy potter that fly around in those dark hood things, and those things from LOTR (sry im not good with lore) that where the dark hoods.
yeah. i mean in his story its not, but thats what came to mind. But those two things always come to mind when i see a figure in a black cloak with a hood.
yeah. i mean in his story its not, but thats what came to mind. But those two things always come to mind when i see a figure in a black cloak with a hood.
Well it's not a dementor.
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Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
"You are like a rose in a great rose field. Each rose is so beautiful to me. But if one dies... I can still look at many other roses..." God of Darkness.
Okay for one, there are at least 3 errors in those first 3 paragraphs, so it kind of detracts from the moment.
Two, the descriptions are weak.
Three, the learning curve is way too steep for your story. You jump through so many different places and names of things that we know nothing about, and you don't even explain a little bit about what the hell they are:
Keroshac Region, Denorsa, war wall, war shack, and Irusian Immigrant Shack
Show what each one of those things are before you move on to the next one.
And that is the trick, show us your story, don't tell us your story.
Okay for one, there are at least 3 errors in those first 3 paragraphs, so it kind of detracts from the moment.
Two, the descriptions are weak.
Three, the learning curve is way too steep for your story. You jump through so many different places and names of things that we know nothing about, and you don't even explain a little bit about what the hell they are:
Keroshac Region, Denorsa, war wall, war shack, and Irusian Immigrant Shack
Show what each one of those things are before you move on to the next one.
And that is the trick, show us your story, don't tell us your story.
That is the point. You are not supposed to know what they are. They will be explained.
And keep in mind that it's a rough draft.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
"You are like a rose in a great rose field. Each rose is so beautiful to me. But if one dies... I can still look at many other roses..." God of Darkness.
oh cool im at 402 posts now. Anyway, its pretty god, not a lot goin on, but it seems liek it can get interesting, Aren't you like married and have a job? what are you doin righting this book? lol
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I am not a fan of Jazz music.
on a good day.... Optimistic and freedom-loving Jovial
and good-humored Honest and straightforward
Intellectual and philosophical
On a bad day.... Blindly optimistic and careless
Irresponsible and superficial Tactless and restless
oh cool im at 402 posts now. Anyway, its pretty god, not a lot goin on, but it seems liek it can get interesting, Aren't you like married and have a job? what are you doin righting this book? lol
I have always loved writing and making things up. I just love the feeling that I am in control of what is going to happen in this situation.
And trust me, it's going to get interesting.
I already know how to end the prologue.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Federer lost Wimbledon. Why? Becase none of you bastards cheered for him...
Here is a small story I'm making up. I will post in bits. Here is what I got so far.
Please rate it. I want to know how I can fix it or make it better.
Prologue
Rain.
The Keroshac Region was, for the first time in many years, pouring down with rain. But not just small droplets, huge balls of water were falling down from the heavens, making all the sand beneath their feet began to liquify. Floods were happening and all people were forced to higher elevation, like the great city of Denorsa. Though many just stood on their ground, waiting to die...
At the war wall, though it was destroyed in many places because of the breakthroughs, many warriors and archers had to abandon there watch and go to the nearest war shack, which was protected by the its strong stone base. Here, many visitors came to escape through the rain, spending the night there and getting food before continuing their journey to Denorsa.
At one particular shack, known as the Irusian Immigrant Shack by the small land known as the Irus, had many more visitors than usual. Families, even children, were there, gathered by the small fireplace at the corner to warm up and putting there wet clothes into a large metal box sitting on top a large fire. No one was thinking. All of their thoughts were set on surviving. Most of the time, people had plan. But that day was different. There was a flaw...
It was nighttime. The moon almost invisible through the dark clouds. The torches outside were lit with fire that was barely alive. The wind was still blowing and it raining continuously and the ground was now forming puddles instead of becoming mushy. Most of ther people in the shack were asleep, covered in small blankets. In the pub section of the shack, where most of the warriors were, many of the man were still awake and talking or just sleeping against the corner. In the corner, a person was playing the harp very quietly, barely heard above the roaring winds..
But if you looked over the dark horizon, you could see a figure. It was a man, wearing a black cloak so overlarged that it coverd his hands completely. He also had a hood on which was also too big. The top of it already the man’s chin, so you couldn’t see his face at all. Even his feet were covered, not even a small bit of skin was visible.
But the way he walked was so odd.
He stood up straight, and moved slowly, as if he was taking his time. Not even caring about that heavy balls of water were coming down on him. He was arms were folded, and as if he didn't even try to shield himself from the unforgiving downpour...
His stepped onto several puddles on the way but he finally reached the shack door. He didn’t even go for the handle, the door just opened by itself for him.
He had entered the pub, which had become automatically silent. The wind from outside entered into the room, making a glass of wine fall from a counter. Even the harpist stopped playing. Everyone’s eyes were on the stranger, for he just stood there looking around the room.
It was around five minutes of complete silence before the crowd went back to its chatty way. The harpist continued playing and the men continued talking. The hooded man stood there for a couple more seconds before finally moving. The door closed behind him and he moved to a corner with a man lying there. The man was wearing a warrior’s suit and had an almost green face. He was asleep, with a cigar in his mouth and a sword in his hand.
The hooded man stopped at the man, pulled up a chair and sat down.
The screeching of the chair when it was moved woke up the man. He blinked, looked around and saw the hooded man. He blinked again, and then his eyes relaxed.
The hooded man looked down at the man.
"May I ask?" he said. His voice was low.
"Yes..." said the man. His voice was almost dead.
"What are you doing here?"
"Someone said..."
"I have walked all this way..."
"I know..."
"I do not understand. It is a miracle that I found you here."
"There are... rumors..."
There was a slince between the men.
"Did you do what I asked you to do?" asked the hooded man.
"I have located them..."
The hooded man leaned back.
"Where have you been for the last six months? Locating one person surely does not take six months..."
"It took three..."
"What did you do with the other three months?"
The man on the corner shivered.
"I was looking for..." but he unable to continue.
"Ah..."
The hooded man leaned forward.
"Did you get it?"
"I shall tell you later," said the man in the corner. "But first... I have something you might want."
The man got up and took the bag that he was sitting on. He put his hand into it and felt around and then finally took out a scroll.
"What is it?" said the hooded man.
"A letter...." he said. "Well... Kind of... It wasn't written to anyone specifically..."
"Give it to me."
The man in the corner gave him the scroll.
"She wrote it... I found it while I went through a small cave..."
The hooded man made the scrolll flat.
I don't know how much I longer I can take... I only know that me and the rest of the survivors are very cold and very tired... I wanted some recollection of what had happened to us if we passed.
My son has been away now since the beginning... It has been almost four months since I saw him... Almost five months since I found out what was going to happen... I really hope I did something about it... I just didn't want to look like a fool... It's almost laughable now, looking back at myself... I could have saved so many people...
Everyone here is crying or just huddling in the corner. No one knows what to do... I am the only one acting sane about this... Some of the people died of sickness of by suicide, mostly by drowning themselves in the pool of water. We don't know what's going on, but there is is this inner sense of Darkness that seems to be crawling up me...
I know I can't live. I know I can't die. It seems as if I'm trapped in a tunnel, with the light getting dimmer and dimmer until it fades for eternity... I lose my life... I lose my sanity... I lost the last chance I ever had the chance to die...
The village was alone. It was one of the only in the entire region, since settlers were forbidden to come on these holy lands. Mainly since they were the home of the greatest beings on the planet, the Imprints of Gods of the Heavens.
They towered over the village. It glowed like a majestic crown. Seven magnificent pyramids encircled the great temple that humbled all other structures. They were built thousands of years ago by tribesmen to house the Gods they worshipped. They were composed of thousands of stone blocks, each individually crafted and carved, depicting great scenes from history. At the top of each pyramid was a glorious stone with carvings of gold. They glowed as the sun and stars reflected the light. The Gods within them each pyramid represented a different element on earth: Love, Light, Air, Water, Earth, Fire, and lastly, Darkness.
In the center of the circle proudly stood the Spirit Temple. It shadowed the structures around it with its magnificent color and size. Within it was a force that helped to maintain balance over all the other elements.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
It's the decisions you make when you have no time to make them that define who you are.
I'm still 1/4 way in.
I just decided to post this part.
I'm working on the other part.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
Dementers (ors?)
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
Well it's not a dementor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep
I have the whole story in my head.
I know exactly what's going to happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
keep up the good work!
:D:D:D:D
Two, the descriptions are weak.
Three, the learning curve is way too steep for your story. You jump through so many different places and names of things that we know nothing about, and you don't even explain a little bit about what the hell they are:
Keroshac Region, Denorsa, war wall, war shack, and Irusian Immigrant Shack
Show what each one of those things are before you move on to the next one.
And that is the trick, show us your story, don't tell us your story.
That is the point. You are not supposed to know what they are. They will be explained.
And keep in mind that it's a rough draft.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
keep working man!
im waiting for the next part
It's a rough draft.
I wrote this in about 3 minutes.
Once I'm done with the prologue I'm going to edit it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.
I have always loved writing and making things up. I just love the feeling that I am in control of what is going to happen in this situation.
And trust me, it's going to get interesting.
I already know how to end the prologue.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRQEtAyiTM
You have to admit that he's good.