cheap boarderjumping jobless lazy mexicanthat doesnt help your arguement to much...
i have to agree with Carloseus, its a joke deal with it we all have to laugh at ourselfs. Theri will be no end to racism, even if we was all the same color people would still find an excuse. I have been called names and i just dont care anymore, its pointless to get offended by this, deal with it
on a side note, i have just seen a mexican working for a chinese buffet, he was pushing around a cart with dishes, a mexican working for chinese, hmm cant understand either of them
oo i figured id make this as no0n racial as possible so i edited certain words
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If you ever meet a hafling and a hungry dragon you dont have to outrun the dragon, you only have to outrun the hafling.
the argument im making is that you as a half german ferret, are perfectly able to speak jokes racially regarding germans. i as a hispanic can joke around my culture.
Carlos, what if I want to make a joke about a german (im not german)?
As for the other issues, a joke is made for us to laugh about stupid things. Like someone mentioned before, I don't feel ( and I'm sure other people feel the same) the person making the blonde joke really feels that blondes are that dumb. The jokes are just making fun of the typical views society has. Granted, there are some f***ed up jokes out there, especially the one with the pizza and the jew, which are better not repeated.
i was about to unleash a black joke, but it was way too racy. instead ill do this one.
there are a group of explorers, an american, a mexican, a french, and a german. they all set out to climb the tallest of mountains, something no one has tried before. together they set out to conquer it each helping each other to accomplish the feat. finally after days of hard work they made it to the top, and planted their flags at the top. they were overjoyed and brought out their supplies to have a quick small feast.
the french took out a bottle of wine, "we have so much wine in our country, i want to share it with the world."
then he threw it off the mountain. the german took out a bottle of beer, "we have so much beer in our country, i want to share it with the world."
the mexican took out a bottle of techila, saying "we have so much techila in our country, i want to share it with the world.
then the american grabbed the mexican and threw him off the cliff, saying "we have so many mexicans, i want to share them with the world.
a little long, but i think it was worth it.
darkjay is right, its a joke, deal with it. if you are sensitive to jokes, then dont read the joke thread. that simple.
An american, an englishman, and a japanese man get stranded on an island. The american immediately takes charege, and hands out orders:
"Alright, you english guy will be in charge of setting up a camp."
"Okay."
"And you japanese will be incharge of supplies."
"Okeey."
Then the japanese runs off into the woods.
Some hours later when the camp is set up, he still hasn't returned. The american and british become worried, and so goes to search for him.
As they enter the woods, the japanese guy jump out in front of them yelling: "Suplise!" (read: surprise)
Yeah I know, kind of hard to write down, but you get the point
PlugY for Diablo II allows you to reset skills and stats, transfer items between characters in singleplayer, obtain all ladder runewords and do all Uberquests while offline. It is the only way to do all of the above. Please use it.
Supporting big shoulderpads and flashy armor since 2004.
cheap boarderjumping jobless lazy mexicanthat doesnt help your arguement to much...
I said that to back up my argument. I know that it wasent a joke, it was just used to illustrate how stereotypical slandor is harmful, not helpful to the current racial situation.
The problem is that you guys dont understand my argument and more importantly the larger aspect of racism. My argument is not about what i think about these jokes, its the difference of opinions of the effects of racism. Carloseos thinks that its helpful, and i think its harmful; simple as that. You guys are the majority of people who say these jokes anyway; ages 15-25 male.
And Carloseos, i thought we were in an argument?? why are you saying that i shouldent read the joke thread??
3 guys crash their ship on an island in the carribian, and right after they get on land they are surrounded by natives. The chief native says, go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit, so they all go off into the jungle. So 15 min later the first guy comes out of the jungle with 10 apples and the chief says "you have to fit all ten pieces up your ass without making any facial expressions or we will kill you". so the guy painfully inserts 3 into his ass and starts squinting his eyes while trying to fit the 4th, so they kill him.
the second guy comes back out of the bush with 10 berries and they say the same thing. By the time he has 8 berries up his ass he starts laughing histerically, so the tribe kills him.
Up in heaven the first guy says "why did you laugh?? you were so close to finnishing!" and the second guy says "i couldent help it, i saw the third guy coming out of the jungle with pinnaples!"
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Angus the peasant saw the necromancer raising the rotting remains and ran away. Since then he told the tale of how he narrowly escaped the necromancer he called "juicy bones".
juicy i was merely saying that if you are easily offended, stop reading. if you get easily offended it is very likely that your judgement will become clouded, and that you are an angry person to begin with.
well, im not really an angry person but i like to stir the pot sometimes. It dosent really matter what i believe in, just how hard i fought for it. But now i guess the argument is over and i wont talk about racism anymore. carry on..
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Angus the peasant saw the necromancer raising the rotting remains and ran away. Since then he told the tale of how he narrowly escaped the necromancer he called "juicy bones".
Here's some Sex jokes
WARNING Real long posts.
May contain offending material...lol what men would do if they had a vagina for a day10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot. what women would do if they had a penis for a day10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Dead PussyAn old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
is it michael jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
Daughters are curious~~~A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Here's some more. Tricked Him
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!" Gold MedalistThree women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."Now here's a question set for the sick minded. Check your Dirty IQ!Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
a guy is walking down the street and he sees a girl with the most perfect breasts he had ever seen. So he walks up to the girl and says "you have the most beautiful boobs". ill give you 100 dollars if i could bite them. she says "screw you", so he goes ok fine " 1000", again no. "OK ill give you 10000 dollars if you let me bite your breasts". she goes "well fine ok" and they go into an alley way. So she takes off her shirt and he begins feeling them, rubbing them, licking them and after about 10 min she goes well are you going to bite them or what?? and he goes "no its too expensive".
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Angus the peasant saw the necromancer raising the rotting remains and ran away. Since then he told the tale of how he narrowly escaped the necromancer he called "juicy bones".
Not true but still a good joke Why Studying Is Better Than Sex10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
A dirty one Girls night outTwo women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!' Lifetime SavingsA small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
these are all really good. here are some:
WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE?
(Jokes Article)
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, which were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out....which feels better?
Your ear or, your finger?"
Q: What has 200 teeth and holds back a giant? A: My zipper!
Q. Whats the difference between oohh and aahh? A. An inch!
Daddy Longlegs
(Jokes Article)
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two daddy longlegs spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girlasked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit going on in OUR garden."
The Hunter
A hunter is about to shoot a bear with a gun, he aims and shoots, goes to where the bear should be, no bear. a tap on his shoulder he turns round, theres the bear, "you missed, give me a blow job says the bear, down the man goes frightened for his life. next day the hunter comes back with a larger gun, sees the bear, aims and shoots, again he goes to the clearing, no bear, a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and again theres the bear, give me a blowjob he says, again the man frightened for his life goes down...the day after he comes back with an even bigger gun, spies the bear again, aims and fires. The hunter goes to where the bear should be, damn no bear, immediately he turns round, the bear says to the hunter "your not here for the hunting are you!"...
Those were pretty funny Carloseus
Here's some more: Birthday PresentA wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave." The TigerA couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."Poor guyA man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
PlugY for Diablo II allows you to reset skills and stats, transfer items between characters in singleplayer, obtain all ladder runewords and do all Uberquests while offline. It is the only way to do all of the above. Please use it.
Supporting big shoulderpads and flashy armor since 2004.
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hard Liquor
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
"Exactly."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Playing with trains
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.
The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
"For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."
"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The gentleman
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! "
At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Guy facts
Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real......always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
And the #1 reason ...
One mood, all the time. 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ford and God
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beer fact
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Name for your .......
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your *enis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *enis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your *enis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your *enis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his *enis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my *enis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The magic barrel
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he's drinking it, he looks around the bar and see's that it is almost empty, except for a few other people and a barrel with a hole in it. He asks the bartender what the barrel is for.
The bartender responds, "Well just go stick your *enis in the hole there."
So, the guy goes and does this and comes back to the bartender and says, "Wow! That was great!"
"Yup, and you can do that anytime you want now, except Thursday."
So, the guy asks, "Well, why not Thursday?"
"Well, that's going to be your day in the barrel."
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Where do babies come from?
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
i have to agree with Carloseus, its a joke deal with it we all have to laugh at ourselfs. Theri will be no end to racism, even if we was all the same color people would still find an excuse. I have been called names and i just dont care anymore, its pointless to get offended by this, deal with it
on a side note, i have just seen a mexican working for a chinese buffet, he was pushing around a cart with dishes, a mexican working for chinese, hmm cant understand either of them
oo i figured id make this as no0n racial as possible so i edited certain words
Carlos, what if I want to make a joke about a german (im not german)?
As for the other issues, a joke is made for us to laugh about stupid things. Like someone mentioned before, I don't feel ( and I'm sure other people feel the same) the person making the blonde joke really feels that blondes are that dumb. The jokes are just making fun of the typical views society has. Granted, there are some f***ed up jokes out there, especially the one with the pizza and the jew, which are better not repeated.
THIS THREAD WAS CREATED TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH!
there are a group of explorers, an american, a mexican, a french, and a german. they all set out to climb the tallest of mountains, something no one has tried before. together they set out to conquer it each helping each other to accomplish the feat. finally after days of hard work they made it to the top, and planted their flags at the top. they were overjoyed and brought out their supplies to have a quick small feast.
the french took out a bottle of wine, "we have so much wine in our country, i want to share it with the world."
then he threw it off the mountain. the german took out a bottle of beer, "we have so much beer in our country, i want to share it with the world."
the mexican took out a bottle of techila, saying "we have so much techila in our country, i want to share it with the world.
then the american grabbed the mexican and threw him off the cliff, saying "we have so many mexicans, i want to share them with the world.
a little long, but i think it was worth it.
darkjay is right, its a joke, deal with it. if you are sensitive to jokes, then dont read the joke thread. that simple.
An american, an englishman, and a japanese man get stranded on an island. The american immediately takes charege, and hands out orders:
"Alright, you english guy will be in charge of setting up a camp."
"Okay."
"And you japanese will be incharge of supplies."
"Okeey."
Then the japanese runs off into the woods.
Some hours later when the camp is set up, he still hasn't returned. The american and british become worried, and so goes to search for him.
As they enter the woods, the japanese guy jump out in front of them yelling: "Suplise!" (read: surprise)
Yeah I know, kind of hard to write down, but you get the point
I said that to back up my argument. I know that it wasent a joke, it was just used to illustrate how stereotypical slandor is harmful, not helpful to the current racial situation.
The problem is that you guys dont understand my argument and more importantly the larger aspect of racism. My argument is not about what i think about these jokes, its the difference of opinions of the effects of racism. Carloseos thinks that its helpful, and i think its harmful; simple as that. You guys are the majority of people who say these jokes anyway; ages 15-25 male.
And Carloseos, i thought we were in an argument?? why are you saying that i shouldent read the joke thread??
3 guys crash their ship on an island in the carribian, and right after they get on land they are surrounded by natives. The chief native says, go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of the same fruit, so they all go off into the jungle. So 15 min later the first guy comes out of the jungle with 10 apples and the chief says "you have to fit all ten pieces up your ass without making any facial expressions or we will kill you". so the guy painfully inserts 3 into his ass and starts squinting his eyes while trying to fit the 4th, so they kill him.
the second guy comes back out of the bush with 10 berries and they say the same thing. By the time he has 8 berries up his ass he starts laughing histerically, so the tribe kills him.
Up in heaven the first guy says "why did you laugh?? you were so close to finnishing!" and the second guy says "i couldent help it, i saw the third guy coming out of the jungle with pinnaples!"
DROP IT NIGGA!
WARNING Real long posts.
May contain offending material...lol
what men would do if they had a vagina for a day10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Dead PussyAn old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
is it michael jackson
little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?
mummy: why god is both girl and boy
little boy: mummy is god black or white?
mummy: why god is both black and white
little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?
mummy: why god is both gay and strait
little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?
Daughters are curious~~~A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
good job!!!
Tricked Him
One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
Gold MedalistThree women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."
The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."
The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."
"How so?"
"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."Now here's a question set for the sick minded.
Check your Dirty IQ!Questions:
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
Now Really! Just what were you thinking?
Why Studying Is Better Than Sex10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.
A dirty one
Girls night outTwo women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Lifetime SavingsA small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Edit: Are my tats not showing up?
WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE?
(Jokes Article)
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues.
They talked about who was better in certain sports, which were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response. "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out....which feels better?
Your ear or, your finger?"
Q: What has 200 teeth and holds back a giant? A: My zipper!
Q. Whats the difference between oohh and aahh? A. An inch!
Daddy Longlegs
(Jokes Article)
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two daddy longlegs spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girlasked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs," The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit going on in OUR garden."
The Hunter
A hunter is about to shoot a bear with a gun, he aims and shoots, goes to where the bear should be, no bear. a tap on his shoulder he turns round, theres the bear, "you missed, give me a blow job says the bear, down the man goes frightened for his life. next day the hunter comes back with a larger gun, sees the bear, aims and shoots, again he goes to the clearing, no bear, a tap on the shoulder, he turns round and again theres the bear, give me a blowjob he says, again the man frightened for his life goes down...the day after he comes back with an even bigger gun, spies the bear again, aims and fires. The hunter goes to where the bear should be, damn no bear, immediately he turns round, the bear says to the hunter "your not here for the hunting are you!"...
Here's some more:
Birthday PresentA wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The TigerA couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."Poor guyA man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Though they're all good, that one really cracked me up
Johnny
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"
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Hard Liquor
Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."
"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."
"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."
"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."
"Exactly."
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Playing with trains
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.
The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
"For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."
"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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Children in the back of the car cause accidents.
Accidents in the back of the car cause children.
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The gentleman
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!! "
At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
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Guy facts
Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real......always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too icky.
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
And the #1 reason ...
One mood, all the time. 
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Ford and God
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, ''Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want.'' Ford thinks to himself about it, and says, ''I want to hang out with God Himself.''
The befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?'' God asks, ''What do you mean?'' ''Well,'' says Ford, ''You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly need repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. fuel consumption is outrageous.
...just to name a few.'' ''Hmmm ...,'' replies God, ''Hold on a minute.'' God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, ''It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
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Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."
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Beer fact
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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Name for your .......
A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your *enis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your *enis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your *enis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your *enis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his *enis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my *enis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"
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Drunk Asshole
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."
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The magic barrel
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While he's drinking it, he looks around the bar and see's that it is almost empty, except for a few other people and a barrel with a hole in it. He asks the bartender what the barrel is for.
The bartender responds, "Well just go stick your *enis in the hole there."
So, the guy goes and does this and comes back to the bartender and says, "Wow! That was great!"
"Yup, and you can do that anytime you want now, except Thursday."
So, the guy asks, "Well, why not Thursday?"
"Well, that's going to be your day in the barrel."
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Pirate stories
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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Blonde Builders
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
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Where do babies come from?
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Here's some old fashion Yo Momma jokes.
Haunted houseYo mama is so ugly she walked into a huanted house and came out with an application.
Let there be light!Your mamma is so fat, when God said let there be light,she had to move!
So FatYo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
So StupidYo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mamma's so stupid, it took her ten minutes to cook Minute Rice.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she stared at a Ford for an hour because it said "Focus."
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket for a night and starved to death.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
So UglyYo mamma's so ugly, your daddy took her to work so he wouldn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mamma's so ugly, she got beat with the ugly stick.
Yo mamma's so ugly, kid's go as her for Halloween.
Yo mamma's so ugly, when she was a kid, she didn't have to wear a costume for Halloween
Yo mamma's so ugly, when she went into the haunted house, and came out with a job application.
Yo mamma's so ugly, she scares away roaches.
To Be ContinuedUr Momma So Fat wen she stands on weighing scales it Reads to be continued.