You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
At the pearly white gates stands St. Peter and several Men who wish to enter heaven. However St. Peter tells them that they must tell him how they died before they are admitted to heaven. So the first man tells his story.
Well I came home from work early one day because I suspected my wife of cheating. So, to no great shock, I enter the apartment and find her stark naked on the bed with a look of guilt strewn across her face. So I search the entire apartment until its nearly upside down and on the balcony I find a man with his fingers clinching on to the edge of the railing hanging of the side of the building. In a moment of fury I dashed towards the man and hammered away at his fingers causing him to fall several stories straight in to a bush, however the man managed to survive! So I ran to the kitchen and with adrenaline on my side hurled the fridge over the edge. As the fridge flew off the edge the cord some how wrapped around my hand and together with my momentum I toppled over the edge towards my death.
St. Peter admits the man.
The second man begins to tell his story....
Well it was a lovely, sunny afternoon and I decided to do some gardeing and while tryint to reach some plants I slipped and fell off the balcony. Somehow I managed to grab hold of the balcony railing below me. I hung there for nearly an hour when that crazy bastard (points to the first man) attacks my fingers causing me to fall. Even still I managed to cling to live but then the crazy mother fucker tosses his fridge on top of me.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..... And then the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked,' Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you - Grumpy or Dopey?'
And then the fight started.....
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Smiling is infectious.
Give, expecting nothing thereof. ------------ BoD - Come have some fun! Folks will always come and go, so enjoy them while they're meant to be in your life.