You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to
forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
At the pearly white gates stands St. Peter and several Men who wish to enter heaven. However St. Peter tells them that they must tell him how they died before they are admitted to heaven. So the first man tells his story.
Well I came home from work early one day because I suspected my wife of cheating. So, to no great shock, I enter the apartment and find her stark naked on the bed with a look of guilt strewn across her face. So I search the entire apartment until its nearly upside down and on the balcony I find a man with his fingers clinching on to the edge of the railing hanging of the side of the building. In a moment of fury I dashed towards the man and hammered away at his fingers causing him to fall several stories straight in to a bush, however the man managed to survive! So I ran to the kitchen and with adrenaline on my side hurled the fridge over the edge. As the fridge flew off the edge the cord some how wrapped around my hand and together with my momentum I toppled over the edge towards my death.
St. Peter admits the man.
The second man begins to tell his story....
Well it was a lovely, sunny afternoon and I decided to do some gardeing and while tryint to reach some plants I slipped and fell off the balcony. Somehow I managed to grab hold of the balcony railing below me. I hung there for nearly an hour when that crazy bastard (points to the first man) attacks my fingers causing me to fall. Even still I managed to cling to live but then the crazy mother fucker tosses his fridge on top of me.
The ancient territory of the Whoobo-dooboes is known for the many treasures it has hidden for ages. Three brave adventurers, strong and brave men, decide to venture into the forgotten land and claim the treasures and live in everlasting luxury.
During their trip in the jungle the stumble upon a clan of natives. Horrified by the view of a hundred wild men the adventurers attempt to escape. Unfortunately, they are caught by the wildmen and by force they are brought to the little village with houses build with gold, silver and other materials of high value. The men are brought to the town hall, where they meet the chief of the village.
The chief, clearly a strangely looking man observes the men and after minutes of uncomfortable silence the chief says: 'Strangers, you have entered a forbidden realm. This land has lived in balance for many, many centuries, yet you are so ruthless to disturb our peace. I cannot hide my anger, yet for I am a reasonable man, I grant you a choice; either experience the 'Whoobo-Doobo' or be killed, slashed in pieces by our deadly blades and then fed to our dogs.'
The adventurers, clearly speechless and petrified by the threat have no idea what to do, what to answer. The chief is annoyed by the silence and points at one, random adventurer. 'You' - he says - 'Make your choice, NOW!' The man replies: 'I certainly wish to live, I do not want to die, my life is precious to me, I shall undergo the Whoobo-Doobo, yet I have no idea what it is.' 'Very well then' - answers the chief, and he summons five fierce native men. The natives all take their turn and perform the most brutal anal intercourse on the poor adventurer. The adventurer, exhausted by the actions of the five men is granted a safe way out of the land.
The second adventurer now has to decide. 'Well, what I have seen cannot be described with words, but I value my life and I certainly don't want to die, just do your Whoobo-Doobo thing. Yet this time, surprisingly, the chief summons twenty natives. The adventurer goes through the worst two hours of his life, yet though he can barely stand and walk, he is granted a safe way back home.
The chief looks at the last adventurer, and asks him to make up his mind, but first he says: 'For you stranger, I have a one hundred man treatment'. The man filled with emotion, desperation and fear says: 'Your customs, evil man, are inhumane. Just kill me, JUST KILL ME!!! The chief is about to order his guards to execute the adventurer, but right before the chief gives the order, the adventurer grins maniacally and says:' JUST KILL ME....but first, give me the 100 man Whoobo-Doobo!'
Why are hurricanes often named after women, for example Katrina?
When they arrive, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, they take your car and house.
At school the female teacher asks the children: ' Let's assume five birds are sitting on a tree, and one of them is shot, how many birds are left on the tree?
'None of them, the gunshot will scare them away, ma'am', answers John.
'No John, when one bird is shot, four remain on the tree. But I like the way you think.'
'All right ma'am, may I ask you a question?
'Go ahead, John.'
'Let's assume three women are sitting on a bench, each of them having an ice cream. One of them is licking the ice cream with her tongue, an other puts the icecream in her mouth and sucks on it, leaving only the waffle outside the mouth, and on of them bites in the ice. So my question is, which of them is married?
The teacher thinks for a while and answers: 'The second one is married, the one that puts the icecream entirely in her mouth and sucks on it.'
'No, the one with a ring on the ring finger, but I like the way you think.'
An Indian kid asks his dad, called the Mighty Bull:
'Daddy, how come my sister's name is Courageous Forest?'
'Well, when Daddy and Mommy made her, we ''made'' her in a forest.'
'Daddy, how come my brother's name is Mighty Shore?'
'Well, when Daddy and Mommy ''made'' him, we made him at the beach.'
'Daddy, how co...'
Mighty Bull, slightly annoyed answers: 'Oh leave me alone, Broken Rubber!'
A new lie-detector has been invented. A brunette sits down and says: 'I think I am beautiful.' She dies instantly.
Next, a ginger girl sits down: 'I think I am very intelligent.' Also, she dies instantly.
Next, a blonde girl sits down: 'I think...' She dies instantly.
A hysterical blonde girl is yelling at the boy that works at the hotel: 'YOU THINK DAT BECUZ I AM FROM A SMALL TOWN AND NOT THE BIG CITY YOU CAN GIVE ME THE SMALLEST ROOM EVAAAH????!??!!??'
'Ma'am' - the boy says - We're just in the elevator on the way to your room.
Two blonde girls walk at the beach. One says: 'Look, a dead seagull.' The other looks up: 'Where?'
Why does a blonde girl eat her pocketwatch?
A TicTac is only 2 callories.
A blonde always places two glasses near her bed when she goes to sleep. One filled with water in case she is thirsty, and one empty in case she is not thirsty.
What is the correct definition for merging a blonde and a brunette?
Two guys meet after vacation.
'Hey Jeff, so how was your vacation?
'Ahh, well, it was ok, summer came, summer's gone now, nothing to talk about, really. No point talking about my vacation, nothing special. But how was your vacation, Greg?
'It was wonderfull, I was in Paris, you know, bars, music, booze, ladies, partyyyy....But, didn't you go anywhere in the summer?
'Well yeah... I was at the beach for a few days.'
'You were at the beach and you didn't want to talk about it?! Sun, water, nice ladies everywhere man!'
'Well, this gay guy pulled me in the bushes and assaulted me...'
'And you didn't try to escape?!?!'
'Are you mad? On high heels??? In the sand?!?!!