well here it is and i did adjust some of my writing and tried to make it more detailed. i actually took most of my origional stuff out and put new stuff in. but anyway here is the second chapter and once agian if you have comments please post.
First couple sentences - Don't use they ... they ... as they... mix up the sentence structure and word order a little to make the story more interesting and have the reader drawn into the book more
Don't change tense: in other words if your gonna use was and were and other verbs in the past tense make sure that you don't throw in present tense verbs
Avoid fractions and numbers (instead of 1 use one and 1/3 use one third, etc.): these can interrupt the flow of a story and make it seem choppy
Some grammar mistakes, probably just some mis-typing, e.g: from everywhere could you see amazons with spears and javelins; should be you could see amazons holding spears and javelins everywhere (or something like that)
Random Character name w/o explanation: Ok this one might not be a problem but who is Gabriel, did you introduce him in the last chapter?
The end looses flow and is kinda confusing. you need to add info and plot to make this more fluid. Some more grammar mistakes (could be just typing errors) like woman when its women.
Overall, not bad but needs some work. The plot is good so far, could be a good book. It's interesting.
I know that this all seems a little anal but i'm in an honors english course and im used to revising this closely.
Keep up the good work though.
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"I'm like a dog chasing cars." - Joker, Dark Knight
well thanks for the help. and i am taking an advance english class in 11th grade. but i did not choose it. you could say there were not enough people to fill in the class so i was chosen and getting a C in that class. plus i am not a good story writer i just wrote this last year and the reason some of the characters isnt explained. is becasue i didnt share with anyone and i had all the ideas just made up on the spot. but i am trying to make it better than the chapter before so next one will be better. i hope.
You turned up a great oppurtunity to explain the gore... people getting hit with arrows and all you wrote was that it killed 1\3 of the men
Describe it more, I want to be there.. seeing the gorey details in my mind
Maybe even flaming arrows and people setting on fire etc etc
Apart from that its good, you should make the chapters longer though. Unless its a shortstory and shortstories dont usually have chapters
well first of all. did it sound like the battle was going to end at the end of the chapter. or if it did thats my bad. well i made it way longer than in my writings. thats why i decided to make a new chapter and have chapter 2 leaving you hanging from a cliff.
In an ordinary sized novels (like the Sin War novels) chapters are usually anywhere from 5-15 pages long and usually indicate a change in setting or time. Thats why I mentioned length
I'm not flaming, just constructively criticizing
thats cool. and like i said i did this in several periods of study halls. so i think when the hour was over i just decided to try and finish the chapter. if you take a regualr size notebook i wrote about 1-2 pages per chapter. and i think you are right. the chapters should be longer. but i am just trying to add as much i can in a short amount of time.
well one thing i got to say is sorry not keeping updated on story. sorta busy with school work. and second. i will post a 5-10 page story on the amazon island in the next couple of weeks. one reason for this is because i am lazy and i need to write a story for school. just has to have one bit of truth in it. so i am just going to use my amazon story.
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will be up later tomorrow in the evening.
First couple sentences - Don't use they ... they ... as they... mix up the sentence structure and word order a little to make the story more interesting and have the reader drawn into the book more
Don't change tense: in other words if your gonna use was and were and other verbs in the past tense make sure that you don't throw in present tense verbs
Avoid fractions and numbers (instead of 1 use one and 1/3 use one third, etc.): these can interrupt the flow of a story and make it seem choppy
Some grammar mistakes, probably just some mis-typing, e.g: from everywhere could you see amazons with spears and javelins; should be you could see amazons holding spears and javelins everywhere (or something like that)
Random Character name w/o explanation: Ok this one might not be a problem but who is Gabriel, did you introduce him in the last chapter?
The end looses flow and is kinda confusing. you need to add info and plot to make this more fluid. Some more grammar mistakes (could be just typing errors) like woman when its women.
Overall, not bad but needs some work. The plot is good so far, could be a good book. It's interesting.
I know that this all seems a little anal but i'm in an honors english course and im used to revising this closely.
Keep up the good work though.
Describe it more, I want to be there.. seeing the gorey details in my mind
Maybe even flaming arrows and people setting on fire etc etc
Apart from that its good, you should make the chapters longer though. Unless its a shortstory and shortstories dont usually have chapters
I'm not flaming, just constructively criticizing