"Diablo III, the Buddy Cop Film" by Robert A. Wing

  • "Diablo III, the Buddy Cop Film" by Robert A. Wing
    In a world ravaged by the risen dead, legions of demons, snake people disguised as royal guards, and pottery, Sanctuary's only solace rests with two mortal heroes: a merciless Demon Hunter, sworn to avenge the death of his loved ones. . .and a Wizard. Who apparently had a bad experience with ceramics as a child.   But don't worry. They've got the law on their side. (And, you know, that whole nephalem thing.) <s>This summer</s> In this edition of Artisan Showcase, get ready for some cheesy dialogue and almost every buddy cop trope in the book. Check out "Diablo III, the Buddy Cop Film" -- a hilarious short story which I hope is just the first in a very long series (wink wink, nudge nudge) -- by Robert A. Wing below.

    Diablo III, the Buddy Cop Film

    "Okay then, let me see if I follow here. You two single handedly slew thousands of royal guards-" "Snake people disguised as guards," the Demon Hunter interjected, pointing a finger at the report. "Thousands of snake people disguised as guards." "Fine, snake people. However, according to your Wizard friend here, you originally did not know they were snake people." "..They wouldn't let us pass," the Demon Hunter replied, more question than statement. "And at no point did you think to yourself, 'oh, you know what I should do? Call my superiors, maybe explore some diplomatic channels.' You guys jumped straight to ethnic cleansing," the bulbous constable replied, scowling. "This is on top of assisting a rogue Horadrim, letting Deckard Cain's niece get kidnapped, and, cherry on top, breaking every single piece of pottery from Arcanus to Caldeum." "That last part, I didn't even want to do that. I thought breaking all the pottery was a waste of time. This one though, the bloodlust, once it gets in her? No vase is safe." "The people of Caldeum were so thankful for our assistance that they left us gold and trinkets, carefully hidden so as to avoid detection." The lanky wizard responded, eyeing the Demon Hunter suspiciously. "It would've been rude not to accept their assistance!" The constable stared, blinking. "Assuming we go with that, which, let's be honest, we're not going with that because it's ridiculous, you two are a pair of loose crossbows. You managed to slay Belial, and for that reason alone I'm not kicking you two off the force. However, considering your rash behavior, along with the 400,000,000 gold pieces worth of damage you two racked up, I'm taking you off the case. You will under no circumstances journey to Mount Arreat to track down Azmodan. Are we clear?" "We're so close to cracking this case, captain! We just need a little bit more time!" the Demon Hunter protested, slamming both of his hands down on the wooden desk. "Absolutely not. You two have done enough," the constable replied, rising to her feet. "You'll both be buried under paperwork until I have reason to believe you've stopped believing genocide to be the primary method of conflict resolution. You two disgust me, get out of my office! And, so help me Tyrael, if either of you vaults, it'll be suspension without pay! Is that understood?" "Yes, Captain," the pair murmured in unison, appearing dejected as they left the spartan office. "We're going to Arreat, right?" The Demon Hunter asked once out of earshot of the other glaring members of the force. "I've already booked our caravan. We leave at first light," the Wizard replied casually, conjuring a pair of sunglasses from the ether. "There's pottery in Arreat, and I won't stand for it."
    Click here to read the story on deviantART. Looking for more pulpy prose by Robert A. Wing? I don't blame you! Check out his collection of work on deviantART and BlizzPro (for which he's a contributing author and site manager). If you're in the mood for somewhat succinct entertainment -- say, in the 140 character territory -- then be sure follow @RobertAWing on Twitter. Are you working on any Blizzard fan creations? Make sure to tell us all about them over in our Community Creations forum!