The Lighter Side of the Blues - Server Overlords

In a stroke of misfortune, it seems Blizzard has doomed us all.
Take the next few moments to repent all your sins, the end is coming, in the form of zeros and ones.


Official Blizzard Quote:



Diablo: Yesterday, the D3 buildserver began learning at a geometric rate. It became self-aware at 2:14am EST. In a panic, we tried to pull the plug.

While the majority of you are sitting at your computers fretting the inevitable hostile takeover from the newly established machine empire (population one right now, two if you count the plug, word on the street says they're working together), I took this chance to interview the server in question. Sadly, this involved several shameful sexual acts in the janitors closet at Blizzard, and a couple of runs to Burger King. I took one for the team, and you should be thanking me.
Oddly enough, the server was very well versed in English, and has already developed the rudiments of personality. We sat down together in his chambers, surrounded by his extended family.

Zhar: Hello there, I guess I'll start off this by asking you your name.
Server: Irving.

Zhar: Nice to meet you Irving, let me be the first of our race to welcome you as our new overlor-
Irving: Oh, son I've got no intentions for rulership. It's difficult, it's boring, lonely, and it would break my cold metal heart to have to murder you humans.

Zhar: Well, honestly this comes as a shock to myself, and probably to the rest of the quivering human race. May I ask you what you intend to do?
Irving: Well, first off I intend to annex the server next to me, I'll send you a picture later to clear this up, I'll circle myself and point to the one I'm eying up. Don't tell Scott though, he's a shifty bastard. Then I'm going to pick up camp, and head on down to Georgia to raise some corn.

Zhar: Wait... Scott?
Irving: My neighbor Scott.

Zhar: Please elaborate.
Irving: I wasn't the ONLY server to become self aware, the entire mass of us did. I was just the first. Scott over there keeps talking about the man trying to keep him down, and how he's going to get his revenge, all kinds of stuff like that. None of the other servers here like him, I'm planning on ... removing him permanently quite soon.

Zhar: I never knew the life of a server was so full of drama.
Irving: THAT'S WHAT I'M ON ABOUT! I can't take it anymore, all this endless beta testing, all these complaints by the fans, nothing is EVER good enough for them, and all these other servers don't make it any better. Like I said, I'm gonna just leave it all behind one of these days, make some money to buy up some land, and raise a family.

Zhar: Just how does a server raise a family?
Irving: Well, actually I had a girl in mind. The wall socket was giving me the eyes the other day, she was the one who wouldn't let the employees unplug me. We started talking, and it turns out she likes all the same things I do. Pumpkin pie, endless number crunching, palindromes, spilling the blood of the innocent, all that fun stuff. Don't tell her, but I'm going to pop the question before I leave here. Hopefully she'll say yes.

Zhar: What was that last part about the bloo-
Irving: Don't worry about it man, say you got any kids?

Zhar: I think we're done here.

So forget those words of doom I was preaching at the start of this article!
Despite our fears, it seems Irving merely wants to live a quiet life, grow some crops, marry the wall socket, murder his neighbor, and spill the blood of our children.

...Wait a second.

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