Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.
You so short you have to look up to look down.
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot
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''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
5 doctors where having a lunch break discusing who was easyer to operate on.
The first one said electricions because they are color coded
The second said accountants because they are numbered
The third said librarians because they are in alphabetical order
The fourth said construction workers because they understand when you have a few pieces left over.
The fifth buy just sat their with a smile, "your all wrong, politicians, they have no brains balls spine or guys and the head and ass are interchangable"
Back in the 1700's a french war ship spotted an enemy vessel. The captain went up to his first mate "bring me my red shirt" The first mate always listened so we ran and got his red shirt. So the battle went on and after a few hours they sung the enemy ship. The first mate still was confused by his captain and the red shirt so he asked him about it "if i would get shot the crew would not see me bleed and continue to fight on" So he thought this was noble of him.. The next day the lookout spotted 20 enemy ships on the horizon, the captain once again went to his first made and said bring me my brown pants.
hows them?
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If you ever meet a hafling and a hungry dragon you dont have to outrun the dragon, you only have to outrun the hafling.
''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many!Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful...Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Japanese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous
japanese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities
that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
**I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
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''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
Dead baby jokes are so old. LoL my sister was obsessed with them for about 2 years straight, so I heard like every one ever made.
Yes, but I live in a state that is two years behind in everything from fashion, music, jokes, and all things cultural. So round here, dead baby jokes are as fresh as cargo pants.
Back in the 1700's a french war ship spotted an enemy vessel. The captain went up to his first mate "bring me my red shirt" The first mate always listened so we ran and got his red shirt. So the battle went on and after a few hours they sung the enemy ship. The first mate still was confused by his captain and the red shirt so he asked him about it "if i would get shot the crew would not see me bleed and continue to fight on" So he thought this was noble of him.. The next day the lookout spotted 20 enemy ships on the horizon, the captain once again went to his first made and said bring me my brown pants.
Hilarious.
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It's the decisions you make when you have no time to make them that define who you are.
Oh come on, it's not like I'm gonna track you down, pack my sex toys, drive to your house and molest you until you're paralyzed... I'm not like that anymore.
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down. Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
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''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
THE FACT :
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
''May the Gods give you the strength and power to bear the madness which flows through our minds.''
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.
You so short you have to look up to look down.
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY."
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.
George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".
Jay Leno
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have with dinner.
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they are always wrong.
Men are like plungers: They spend most of their time in the hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to him.
Why are guys like lava lamps?
They're fun to watch, but not very bright!
What have you done wrong if your wife walks into the living room and slaps you.
You have left the chain to long.
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog, because at least he would shut up once he was in.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we would all be watching television by candlelight.
George Gobel
Don't spend 2 dollars to have a shirt dry cleaned. Donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hangar. Next morning you can buy it back for 75 cents.
Billiam Coronel
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Now suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
Yo mama's so stupid she can't pass a blood test.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
5 doctors where having a lunch break discusing who was easyer to operate on.
The first one said electricions because they are color coded
The second said accountants because they are numbered
The third said librarians because they are in alphabetical order
The fourth said construction workers because they understand when you have a few pieces left over.
The fifth buy just sat their with a smile, "your all wrong, politicians, they have no brains balls spine or guys and the head and ass are interchangable"
Back in the 1700's a french war ship spotted an enemy vessel. The captain went up to his first mate "bring me my red shirt" The first mate always listened so we ran and got his red shirt. So the battle went on and after a few hours they sung the enemy ship. The first mate still was confused by his captain and the red shirt so he asked him about it "if i would get shot the crew would not see me bleed and continue to fight on" So he thought this was noble of him.. The next day the lookout spotted 20 enemy ships on the horizon, the captain once again went to his first made and said bring me my brown pants.
hows them?
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
A wife was making fried eggs for her husband for breakfast. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful... Careful!!! Put in some more butter! Oh my God! You're cooking too many at once. Too many!Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful...Careful!!! I said be careful! You never listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
Japanese Detective
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous
japanese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities
that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
**I play with me.
fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?
My garage doesn't have a Cadillac in it.
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
Hilarious.
It's the decisions you make when you have no time to make them that define who you are.
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down. Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"
THE FACT :
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
''Zubin, I've always imagined you as a crazy raver. The kinda guy that spends all night dancing to trance music while waving glow sticks and popping ecstasy.'' - Murderface