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The stench of depression filled the air,
How much of this could I bare?
My spirit has been broken,
A voice left unspoken.
The fiery flames of the hot summer sun,
Fueling the sins that has been once done.
Regretting the actions I did in the past,
I look to a new day, finally at-last.
The chilling glare of the winter frost,
Freezing the hope that had been once lost.
Raising my head to stare at the endless sky,
Wondering if i could ever let go and just fly.
Now looking back at my once troubled life,
I laugh contentally with a strife.
At long last, realizing I had finally let go,
Fully aware my savior, was no one else but the winter snow.
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Now I did write the uninteresting, strangely gloomy, unnatural sad poem, as I may call it.
Anyways, please be has harsh as possible to give me all the constructive critisism as possible.
For example:
This is a "no-no"
Your poem stunk like a bitch, you suck
This is a what i like to see.
Your poem stunk like a bitch, because, in the 3rd couplet, it completely didn't make any sense, because......, it threw the reader of because........, yada-yada-blah-blah-blah
it reminds me of an old chinese film about Lady Snow, also the last scene from Kill Bill vol. 1, the death of Oren Ishii
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-Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth.
Good poem, however if i was to suggest anything i would suggest maybe changing the rhyming scheme even though yours worked. ex) ABBA, or ABAB.
The stench of depression filled the air, A
My spirit has been broken, B
How much of this could I bare A
A voice left unspoken. B
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Angus the peasant saw the necromancer raising the rotting remains and ran away. Since then he told the tale of how he narrowly escaped the necromancer he called "juicy bones".
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stench of depression filled the air,
How much of this could I bare?
My spirit has been broken,
A voice left unspoken.
The fiery flames of the hot summer sun,
Fueling the sins that has been once done.
Regretting the actions I did in the past,
I look to a new day, finally at-last.
The chilling glare of the winter frost,
Freezing the hope that had been once lost.
Raising my head to stare at the endless sky,
Wondering if i could ever let go and just fly.
Now looking back at my once troubled life,
I laugh contentally with a strife.
At long last, realizing I had finally let go,
Fully aware my savior, was no one else but the winter snow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now I did write the uninteresting, strangely gloomy, unnatural sad poem, as I may call it.
Anyways, please be has harsh as possible to give me all the constructive critisism as possible.
For example:
This is a "no-no"
This is a what i like to see.
TY!
it reminds me of an old chinese film about Lady Snow, also the last scene from Kill Bill vol. 1, the death of Oren Ishii
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
The stench of depression filled the air, A
My spirit has been broken, B
How much of this could I bare A
A voice left unspoken. B