Hello there. It's me- Mr Narrator. While browsing through these forums, I realized the terrible and saddening situation that has befallen our fellow users. They seem to paddle in ignorance and have forgotten the perennial morals and values of our good old fairy tales. However, this need not continue.
So, in my great generosity and compassion, I have decided to spare some of my time and infinite wisdom to tell you of the stories that have graced our childhood, and also reveal the shocking truths that your parents could not tell you due to the blissful innocence of your then unblemished minds.
Our second story is that of ‘The red little riding hood’. Never has the stigma associated with appearance been so tragic. So much so, that people even forgot the real name of the poor little girl in our story. Her name was actually Stormcat or as called by her friends- Stormy.
Alas, this was not the only thing misconstrued or forgotten.
So today, we shall delve into what really happened and determine the moral of this epic tale.
Once upon a time in a country far far away, there was a little girl called Stormy. She lived with her mother in a house at the periphery of a secluded village.
The road that ran close to their front door, continued only a few more yards before plunging into the forest that surrounded this small settlement of farmers.
In these times, it was common to send young and defenseless girls into beasts-infested forests to see their grandmothers.
Narrator- Indeed, there were even acclaimed and greatly-respected bookmakers within villages who would take bets on the survival of these little girls.
And so it was that on a fine Saturday morning, Stormy’s mother called her from the living room,
“Brat, come here!”
Stormy- “Yes, kindly and beloved mother. Do you need me?”
Mother- “Obviously, duh! Why would I call you if I didn’t need you, eh? Anyway let’s cut the crap and get down to business here. I need you to deliver some cookies to your grandma. She’s sick and cannot cook. I am sure the nutritious value of these cookies will be able to sustain her for weeks, maybe even years…”
The caring and compassionate mother thus carefully wrapped half a dozen cookies and put them in a basket along with some lemonade juice before giving it to her daughter.
Stormy picking up her favorite green cloak prepared to set off but was stopped by her mother.
“Oh dear, why are you wearing this horrible cloak? Here, take this red one. You look prettier in it.”
“But mother, won’t I be really conspicuous in such clothing?”
“Of course not, you daft girl.”
“But mother, aren’t there supposed to be wolves in the forest?”
“Come on, you silly girl. Wolves? You have listened to too many stories…”
“Oh for God’s sake, just shut up and go already, will you?”
Following this very emotional and teary departure, our Stormy waved her mother goodbye and walked along the road that would take her into the forest.
The latter indeed held some fearsome beasts. Among them, notoriously infamous was Umpa, the green monster or as his street name went- Reptar. He preyed mercilessly on any weaker creatures, devouring their flesh and keeping the bones to scratch his back or use as toothpick.
Right then as our story began, Reptar was chasing a wolf. Though he moved on two legs, his speed was unmatched around these parts for he religiously trained everyday and had acquired deadly predatory skills. The wolf succumbing to the poisonous bite of the vile creature gave a last howl-
“Aaaooowwoooooo….whaaaaat the heeeeeeeckkkkkk!?! Thiiiiiissss waaaaaaaasn’t iiinnnnnn the scriiiiiiipttt...”
While Umpa was ripping through the flesh of his victim in frenzy, the sensitive ears of the monster picked a humming sound. It was Stormy that he was hearing and he quickly understood that some fresh and easy victim had entered the woods. However, he dared not approach the road for even among the beasts, there were the rumors of a demon who lurked there and dragged off its victims to consume. Whether true or not, Reptar was not about to risk his neck, especially when he had a freshly caught meal right in front of him.
Stormy was happily strolling along the road, humming to herself and with not a care in the world, having already eaten half the cookies she was meant to bring her grandma. The sugar rush did not help. She was now dancing and hopping everywhere and had forgotten the safety of the road. For she knew very well, that the dangers of the forest would never touch a person for as long as they remained on the path.
This knowledge was widespread among the villagers and while they themselves did not understand it, they knew that some ‘power’ held the beasts at bay. But that was only if one stayed on the road.
Straying slowly but surely from the path, Stormy soon became lost and when she realized it, she was alone, surrounded by gnarled trees which darkened the place with their menacing shadows. Reptar, who has been quietly watching his potential prey almost literally walking into his claws, guffawed maniacally. Seeing he had the obvious advantage over his victim, he decided to play around a bit more with his food.
Sneakily, he approached Stormy from behind and put his cruel paw on her shoulder. The latter jumped slightly and spun around. She was met with the sight of a drooling creature with ravenous purple eyes.
She let out a sigh of relief. Finally she thought- someone to help her. But then she reconsidered and said-
“Why are you drooling and looking at me like that? Are you a pervert?”
Taken aback by the apparent calm of the little girl, Reptar exclaimed- “What? Of…of course NOT! ”
“It…it’s just how I normally look,” he added defensively.
Stormy- “Oh I’m so sorry sir. I was just a little surprised. I am lost. Will you help me?”
Stormy- “I need to get back on the road. Do you know the way.”
Finally snapping back to reality after this unusual conversation and response from his prey, Reptar put on his most suave voice-
“Certainly, my child. And where may you be heading like that?”
Stormy narrowed her eyes-
“Why do you want to know that?”
Reptar- “Well if you are heading for your village, I can show you a shortcut.”
Stormy- “But why?”
Reptar- “Well…it’s for your own good. There will be less walking this way and you’ll get home quicker.”
Stormy- “But why?”
Reptar- “Err…I just explained to you why.”
Stormy- “Oh sorry. It’s just a silly habit of mine to ask questions repeatedly. I can see you are a kind person. Furthermore, you are green and that’s my favorite color!”
She proceeded to explain to Umpa where she was heading and how she got lost (while carefully omitting that she ate most of the cookies).
Reptar considered for a moment and then decided that this was too good an opportunity to pass: a defenseless little girl and her sick grandma.
After explaining to Stormy how to get back on the road, he went back to the dead wolf, salted the meat and put it to dry in the sun.
Looking at the delicious strips of flesh, he said- “I’ll have you for dessert” and dashed to grandma’s house, using a real short cut and following Stormy’s description of the house location.
In the meantime grandma was making out with grandpa, having already recovered from her brief sickness. Her house had 4 rooms and a basement- where she was, undertaking some PG18-worthy series of moves.
And so when Reptar reached the house, he was surprised to see no one in sight. Greatly annoyed, he didn’t even notice the short staircase that led to the basement or even the muffled noises that came from it.
Instead while searching frantically the 4 rooms, he came across grandma’s wardrobe. Fascinated, he started trying out her clothes while admiring himself in the mirror.
The minutes quickly slipped by and suddenly he heard a familiar humming. Quickly recovering from this transvestic lapse in consciousness, he said-
“Oh well, at least one is still on the menu. Hehehe….let her come to grandma then,” and jumped into the bed with grandma’s gown on, pulling up the covers over himself in the process.
Stormy knocked on the door and the disguised voice of Umpa called for her to enter.
Putting the nearly-empty basket on the table in the kitchen, Stormy went to see her grandma.
“Oh, what happened to your boobies, granny? They look pointy. Is it the illness that is making them like that?
“No, you silly. It’s just the covers. Here, now you can see everything is alright,” said Reptar, flattening the covers.
“But why is everything so flat now…? Even I, a little girl..”
“Now now young lady, what kind of talk is that? You are being very rude.”
“Sorry granny. Oh I wanted to ask you- why is the sky blue?”
“That is because the day it was ordered, that was the only color available, honey.”
“Why are rocks hard?”
“Oh for God’s sake…”
And with that, Reptar jumped out of bed and ripped off grandma’s gown to reveal his true self- an act he immediately regretted as he thought the gown looked really good on him.
Tearing his mind from his tragic mistake, he flung himself on Stormy who had jumped out of the way just in time and started running around the house, shouting for help.
Then a sharp voice (grandma) came from the basement-
“Stormy? Is that you? Damn…I need to put my clothes back on.”
Stormy ran down the staircase and headed for the basement. Reptar realized that was where grandma was and smiled to himself-
“Ha! Now for the main course!”
Stormy entered the basement and quickly shut the door behind herself. She jumped for joy when seeing her grandparents(who managed to make themselves decent except for grandpa who always only wore a white apron anyway).
Umpa laughed to himself upon seeing the wooden door and threw his whole weight against it, causing the wood to splinter. A second bashing cause the door to wreck itself open and in came the green monster. A deep grunt met him-
“AAahhh, fresh meat!” said grandpa.
Umpa stared in shock at grandma, Stormy and large creature which might have been a man but for the horns on his head and blood-red eyes burning within the face. The white apron he wore was covered in blood stains and the room itself was full of mangled corpses of various beasts from the forest. In the creature’s hand was a massive cleaver which might have been responsible for all the butchering. Stormy tugged on the evil-looking being’s hand and pointed at Umpa-
“He’s the bad person trying to jump on me and scare me, grandpa.”
Reptar regained his wits and tried to dash for the door and out of the room. But it was to no avail as the huge cleaver thrown skillfully by grandpa impaled Umpa’s tail to the wooden floor.
What followed cannot be described into the nitty-gritty since this story is meant for a PG-13 rating approval.
Suffice it to say that Stormy sat with her grandparents later in the evening to enjoy grilled meat for dinner.
The moral of the story-
Do not name little girls or anybody for that matter by the clothes they are wearing. It’s rude.
Or was it…Beware of green looking monsters you meet in forests…?
Eh…perhaps it was- grilled meat is delicious.
Anyway now that you have understood the moral of this tale, farewell my friends and may your lives be enriched by the wisdom that you have presently gained.
Farewell...until our next tale.