I'm not really sure what to call this. If you can figure out what it's about, I'll give you candy.
Lightning flash. Thunder boom. A shake in the earth.Down the window like seedlings the raindrops, into the roses. Petals dashed to the ground, Gasping. Water over their surfaces in rivulets, down their faces.
Cannot escape, caught in the flood. Down the hills like lost souls the petals, into the gutter. Color fallen to the dark. Beaten. Defeated. Forgotten.
Nope, wrong. I'm not emo, and it's not about me. Or my gender. Try again. Researching basic rain symbolizm might help. Dashed sounds a lot better than "made their way quickly," in my opinion, but to each his own, I guess. Conveys the same general meaning but in only one word, and it's more dramatic.
No, but you may be closer to the meaning than you realize.
Dashed sounds a lot better than "made their way quickly," in my opinion, but to each his own, I guess. Conveys the same general meaning but in only one word, and it's more dramatic.
I like how you conclude that because I didn't like the word dashed that I was suggesting you actually use "made their way quickly". I said THAT because I was making sure that by dash you meant to go quickly. You know, as opposed to a dash of salt? Like I'd tell you what word or phrase to use instead.
And that's what I thought you meant and I had to make sure. And I don't picture flower petals dashing to the ground because they're flower petals. And it feels like you threw in gasping in there for no reason at all. And what's gasping exactly? The raindrops? The petals?
In a storm, yes, I can see petals dashed to the ground in a torrent of rain. You won't understand the gasp if you don't understand the symbolism. If you don't understand the symbolism, I recommend Dictionary of Symbols, Penguin Reference. Look up rain. Use your imagination.
You're too defensive for poetry. I was being critical cause if I was writing a poem I would want people to point out anything that might not make sense. And I'm not saying it has to make perfect sense, but if there is something not working with the structure and order of things I might simply reevaluate how I've presented it. But your way is better. Next time someone doesn't get what I'm saying, I'll just assume it's all their fault and that they lack imagination. I'll then refer them to a book of some kind.
Sorry. I've never written poetry, which is why I didn't want to call it that. And I've never been to a workshop. Or had anyone read anything and actually offer advice.
I'll try this over.
What I attempted and obviously failed to create was an allusion to rape, through the violence of the storm and masculinity attributed to lightning and thunder, the "seedlings" on the window coming down to the flowers, the deflowering, the gasp, subsequent psychological deterioration, and, ultimately, ignorance of marginalized society.
Now, in my head, this makes sense, and the wording seems to fit. But I'm not a poet or poetic, or have any experience in poetry, and the words fell short.
I just don't understand why "dashed" wouldn't be a good word there. I mean, what would you actually suggest? What's actually wrong with it?
Do you only picture petals floating to the ground? How would you convey the violence on the petals by the storm, assuming the petals are not changeable?
Oh, I didn't realize you wrote that. I thought you got that from the net or something and wanted help finding the meaning of it. I'm sorry for being a troll.
Hmm well, it's a cool poem imo. I can't really find the meaning of it though. Seems like one of those poems where only the author can understand the hidden message behind it. I guess it probably has something to do with the end of days (..apocalypse or whatever you want to call it).
Edit: Aw, I guess you already gave out the meaning lol. It does make sense now that you say it.
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This body holding me, reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember... We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion.