Food for thought Fan Fiction Piece

  • #1
    So, I don't consider myself a writer, as most times I can not even formulate complete sentences, most of the time my speech consists of grunts and indistinguishable words that only I know the meaning to, at least thats how my wife describes it. Anyways pick this apart for me and tell me if I should keep it going, or go back to my day job. Thanks everyone!!


    The smell, it filled his nostrils of the death and decay of the very bones that built the labyrinth that he now entered. The light that guided him to this place now fading with each and every step that he took into the bowels of the darkness that loomed erily ahead. (51)
    Scraping, and then a shadow, or something catching his attention moved in the recesises of the dark and putrid tomb, then more. His senses coming alive, anticipating the fight to come, he filled his hands with the pommels of his ancestors swords, and they moved quickly towards him. Twisted and writhing beasts that looked somewhat human, or maybe once human, now purely dark and evil they fell upon our hero. (121)
    He beat them back, and yet again they sprung, this time somewhat hesitant to meet his wet steel, wet with their blood. Their claws and maces glancing off his armor only to be met with his savage blows, they were no match. He collected himself and appraised his feet, only to move deeper into the tombs to find his prey. (181)
    With every step his confidence in his quest grew, his muscles anticipating every battle that loomed, his swords quick to ring out as he beat back his attackers. Each and every battle brought him closer to the demon that the towsfolk called Eruh. (223)
    The beast had unleashed his savagery upon the town of Dun Craig far, far to long, and it was the man's mission to quell the attacks that were now so frequent upon the townsfolk. He thought back to his first glimpse of the once proud city, and remembered. (271)
  • #2
    Seems pretty good so far. :)
    www.myspace.com/mpotatoes for all your Trans Siberian Orchestra listening pleasure
    If you want to arrange it
    This world you can change it
    If we could somehow make this
    Christmas thing last

    By helping a neighbor
    Or even a stranger
    And to know who needs help
    You need only just ask

  • #3
    Quote from DesmondTiny

    Seems pretty good so far. :)

    Thanks.
  • #4
    Quote from Rogaul

    So, I don't consider myself a writer, as most times I can not even formulate complete sentences, most of the time my speech consists of grunts and indistinguishable words that only I know the meaning to, at least thats how my wife describes it. Anyways pick this apart for me and tell me if I should keep it going, or go back to my day job. Thanks everyone!!


    Okay :hammy:

    I do like your descriptive approach, although you use several cliches ("death and decay"--try to describe the seen with your own words, not words used in the same sequence by countless writers before you). You have a good vocabulary but poor attention to spelling. In many instances, your constructs make little sense to me ("Scraping, and then a shadow.."--"Scraping" is a sound, so I'm expecting some other element of the senses to be highlighted in "and then a shadow"). It could be that I just lack creativity or literary understanding, I don't know.

    Regardless of all of that, what is the significance of the labyrinth? Does it echo some inner, personal shortcoming, some challenge of character that will force he/she to emerge from the end as a new and better person? Who is the character? At this point, I just see a lot of pretty description and not much else. Is this confrontation the climax of your story? Because of these questions, I don't think I can say yea or nay at your continuity of this project. There doesn't seem to be anything to continue.
  • #5
    Quote from Magistrate

    Quote from Rogaul

    So, I don't consider myself a writer, as most times I can not even formulate complete sentences, most of the time my speech consists of grunts and indistinguishable words that only I know the meaning to, at least thats how my wife describes it. Anyways pick this apart for me and tell me if I should keep it going, or go back to my day job. Thanks everyone!!


    Okay :hammy:

    I do like your descriptive approach, although you use several cliches ("death and decay"--try to describe the seen with your own words, not words used in the same sequence by countless writers before you). You have a good vocabulary but poor attention to spelling. In many instances, your constructs make little sense to me ("Scraping, and then a shadow.."--"Scraping" is a sound, so I'm expecting some other element of the senses to be highlighted in "and then a shadow"). It could be that I just lack creativity or literary understanding, I don't know.

    Regardless of all of that, what is the significance of the labyrinth? Does it echo some inner, personal shortcoming, some challenge of character that will force he/she to emerge from the end as a new and better person? Who is the character? At this point, I just see a lot of pretty description and not much else. Is this confrontation the climax of your story? Because of these questions, I don't think I can say yea or nay at your continuity of this project. There doesn't seem to be anything to continue.


    "pulls knife out of heart" Just kidding btw. I get your points, i just started putting a little something together and wanted some feedback. All of which you provided makes some sense to me, It gives me a good idea as to what I should change/alter. I will in the future hit the spellcheck function before i post anything. Lol. The only retort that I have is that i did preface the piece by saying that I do not consider myself a writer, just someone who wishes that he could express his thoughts in the written form.

    As to continuing the project, I guess that I was attempting to grab the indivuals attention and then create the back story. At least this was my attempt at grabbing someones attention. I left it off as our hero looks back on something he remembers and was going to fall back in time to tell more about the character, and challenge ahead.

    Peace
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