Diablo II as played by the Heros

  • #1
    I thought I'd try my hand at writing a comedy, based on the game, there will be parts to show that the game is controlled by a human player. I will post the numbers that are the chapters in posts.

    Chapter 1 Starting Out...................Post 1

    Chapter 1
    Starting Out
    As the campfire crackles for the umpteenth time, the Barbarian remarks, "So... Why do we all stand here and stare at the fire all the time?" "Because you dolt, we're waiting to be selected to save Sanctuary from disaster. I will be the next one to be chosen too," the Paladin said, "My hammers are very popular." "The fucking hells they are," the sorceress quickly interjected. "Your hammers aren't real magic you douche bag, nobody likes a dick that has a skill that can slaughter everything with impunity, even our makers nerfed your ass. Whitey over there," pointing at the necromancer, making his arm glow blue fire, "is the most popular because he's fun to be with. Remember the curse he came up with?" Everyone recalls the fight with Diablo...

    "That was hilarious, how did you make that curse?" The necromancer looked up and smiled, "Well, did you ever eat an herb in the jungle, only to later find out that you had explosive diarrhea? I just thought it would be funny as hell to have the Lord of Terror, run in terror after he saw the curse in action on his minion. Then it became a run of desperation when I cursed his ass." A lone wolf howls in the background. Turning her head, the assassin just looks at the druid, her expression quite clearly showing her annoyance. "Will you stop that incessant howling." "I couldn't help it, something impelled me to do so." The Barbarian gets a little excited. "That can only mean one thing," the sorceress remarked. "Either one of us is about to be selected, or the amazon bent over again." The assassin does lots of spinning and kicking. "PICK ME!!!" The barbarian shouts. "PICK ME DAMN IT! I WILL CHOP YOUR DICK OFF IF YOU DON'T FUCKING PICK ME!" He starts sharpening his poleaxe to show he means it. "My name? It's Victals."

    "I said it's Victals, not Licks Balls you douche." Everything blacks out. The sight of a camp filled with women appears. Awesome, he thought, It's filled with women who need a man in their lives. Flexes muscles, then sees a man dressed in blue desert garb approaching him. Shit a gay man is approaching. Licks Balls, It's Victals you asshole, runs to an old lady wearing purple robes. She flips the finger at the player. Talking to Licks Balls, Akara introduces herself.

    "I'm Akara, High priestess of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye.
    I welcome you traveler to our camp, but I'm afraid I can only offer you but poor shelter within these rickety walls.
    You see our ancient sisterhood, has fallen under a strange curse.
    Our mighty citadel, in which we have guarded the gates to the east for generations, has been corrupted by the evil demoness Andariel.
    I still can't believe it, she turned many of our sister rogues against us and drove us from our ancestral home.
    Now the last defenders are either dead, or scattered throughout the wilderness. I implore you stranger, please help us, find a way to lift this terrible curse.
    And we will pledge our loyalty to you for all time."

    Akara continues. C'mon you old broad, I've got shit to kill.

    "There is a place of great evil in the wilderness.
    Kashya's Rogue scouts have informed me that a cave nearby is filled with shadowy creatures and horrors from beyond the grave.
    I fear that these creatures are massing for an attack against our encampment.
    If you are sincere about helping us, find the dark labyrinth and destroy the foul beasts.
    May the Great Eye watch over you."

    The barbarian just stands there for five minutes. "Well, am I gonna do something or what?" The world goes black and Licks Balls appears in an empty dark room. "God fucking damn it!!"
    Just as the Scorpion hunts...
    Silently Lurking...

    "Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted." ~ Ezio Auditore de Firenze
  • #2
    Ever find it strange how often the Necromancer's "blue fire" is stressed in fan art and how brilliant it looks in the character selection animation, and yet it doesn't appear in a single skill, nor does it correlate with any of his powers?

    Hammers were never, ever nerfed, but I do like the way you put it. "Your hammers aren't real magic you douche bag, nobody likes a dick that has a skill that can slaughter everything with impunity..."

    [Several seconds later.]

    Ohhhhh, it was the selection screen! Lol. Crafty. A single tense and some judicious use of new lines would have been nice, but it was entertaining :D
  • #3
    Thank you. I decided that a new chapter will be posted every Saturday, usually in the morning.

    And the hammers were nerfed. They no longer ignore the resistances.
    Just as the Scorpion hunts...
    Silently Lurking...

    "Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted." ~ Ezio Auditore de Firenze
  • #4
    Nah, they're still way op. All the bots are still hammerdins, and they're still one of the cheapest multipurpose PVM builds. The patch only made a single monster type immune to them in an obscure place in a3.

    Looking forward to next weekend.
  • #5
    Sorry I didn't get to this on Saturday. The next chapter will be posted this Saturday.

    I had a very, very busy weekend. Lots and lots of good stuff, finished off with a nice, healthy dinner of Lebanese food.
    Just as the Scorpion hunts...
    Silently Lurking...

    "Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted." ~ Ezio Auditore de Firenze
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