"The flame that burns the most is the light of the eternal human spirit; a beacon of love, justice and peace that will never be extinguished. It will triumph over the forces of darkness and illuminate for the whole world. The true path to freedom, through goodness, faith, hope and Love."
I gotta be totally honest here and say that a lot of those rhymes seem forced. It just doesn't flow together as a story. It seems like you cared more about making the words rhyme than you did about making them make sense together.
Also, there's a lot of wonky grammar, like
"Driven by might
The Warriors of the night, To Claim some ego within."
That sounds like the start of one sentence without a proper end and the end to another sentence without a proper beginning. Technically, I can see how it would be gramaticaly sound, but it's really strange and doesn't flow nicely off the tongue.
Work on your delivery technique. The concept here is good, but you need to work on breaking through the rhyming barrier into things that sound right together and make sense aswell / instead.
ummm every word i chose to use in this poem is the prime choice for me. the first 3 stanzas all follow the same format
*the thing or characteristic that "drives" them into the fight*
*who they are*
*what they are fighting for*
the next 2 stanzas and the last 2 stanzas follow the format (as far as rhyming is concerned) the first 2 lines rhyme, the last line rhymes with the last line of the stanza above it. the 3rd to last stanza is kind of the "rogue" stanza, because the last line doesn't follow the same suit as the 2 before and after it.
as far as the story goes, it all makes sense... it's very simple. in the first 3 stanzas i introduce the characters. then in the 4th stanza i vaguely introduce the thing that would defeat them. in the 5th stanza i go begin to describe their defeat, saying that it is not a 'being' who would be their defeat, i figured some people would think i was talking about diablo... thats the way i wanted it. the 6th stanza is there kind of as an introduction to the 7th stanza. 8th stanza is a conclusion, describing the fact that just because you kill the final enemy, diablo, it doesn't garuntee any victory, because diablo can still coerce and corrupt people after death... and then "apply" their strength to continue his plan.
as for the stanza about the warrior, i really dont' understand what ur saying because that sentence makes just as much sense as the other 2, i just substituted words... and i chose to use "within" because i wanted to take a break from the "eem" rhyme, i originally had "To fulfill his childhood dream" in there, but i changed it and i like it.
if i remember correctly, i've read some of your posts and you seem to try to harshly critisize ppl often, i think you have yourself up on some sort of pedestal and you really don't belong up there if your going to point out stupid, inaccurate "mistakes" like you did.
I critisize fairly and accurately. If you can't take the fact that somebody doesn't like your work or thinks that there are errors in it, then you have some growing up to do. Overreacting to your criticism and insulting me is just another way of lowering yourself. I don't put myself on a pedestal. I actually try to improve myself all the time, and I idolize people with more talent than myself - there are many, and I can admit it!
I wasn't critisizing your english in a acedmic way, but in an artistic fashion. Notice how I said "I can see how it would be gramaticaly sound, but it's really strange and doesn't flow nicely off the tongue"?
Just because the words you used are the prime choices for you doesn't mean that I have to love them. What's the point in posting your work for others to see unless you're willing to hear what they have to say about it. Oh - wait - I get it. You're upset that someone here actually doesn't like what you wrote. I understand. It's tough when you're starting out and people try to help you with constructive criticism. I don't see how I harshly critisize people. I'm just honest and don't sugarcoat what I have to say. If you can't take it, you shouldn't be posting it here.
PS: You yourself said "i know this isn't very good", which I find rather hypocritical and ironic.
PPS: I added at the end of my criticism that I thought you had made a "Nice attempt". So sorry that I offered my honest opinion and an encouraging word at the end. I'll remember to just be a dick to you in the future if that's all I'm going to get back.
you said the rhymes sounded forced, and you said that the 3rd stanza doesn't flow off the tongue nicely. the rhymes weren't forced, they were chosen, and the 'flow' of the 3rd stanza is a personal preference, it's my art, it can flow how i want it to ..right? btw you were already being a dick by saying "attempt". i didn't attempt to write a poem, i succeeded, and just because you don't like it you call it an attempt? like meeting your standards is a neccecity to be considered a poem? thats why i say you put yourself on a pedestal. i don't mind people giving suggestions, i just think your critisism is pretty lame. if you wanna play the game of "i'm being friendly, asshole!" then i wasn't insulting you in my post, i was just giving my honest opinion about you, just like you gave about my poem =]
if you wanna play the game of "i'm being friendly, asshole!" then i wasn't insulting you in my post, i was just giving my honest opinion about you, just like you gave about my poem =]
Fair enough. However, I think your "honest opinion" is being clouded by the fact that you're angry with me - for no good reason, as far as I can tell. I also thought I made it pretty clear that I wasn't trying to be friendly. Just honest. You don't seem to be understanding what I'm getting at here and you're reading more into what I'm saying than is there - I can't stand it when people do this.
When I say "Nice attempt" I'm not saying "Nice attempt at making a poem which you failed at because I don't like it". That is an assumtion - an incorrect one - made by you. What I am saying is "Nice attempt. I didn't personally like it that much, but let's see how your next one is". As for not making an attempt, that's ridiculous. You have to make an attempt to accomplish something. Would it have made that much difference to you if I had said "Nice Accomplishment"? Just because I called it an attempt instead of an accomplishment doesn't automatically insinuate that I think I'm better than you.
(To be honest I don't really understand where your logic is in the conclusion that me calling it an attempt makes me a dick or makes me think I'm better than you... since you yourself said the poem wasn't good...)
Also, let me clarify yet another thing I said which seems too difficult for you to understand clearly. When I said "the words seem forced" I did not mean "the words are forced". I was - once again - saying what I felt about the poem. Just because I think something does not mean it's correct nor does it insinuate that I am correct. It's just my opinion.
the 'flow' of the 3rd stanza is a personal preference, it's my art, it can flow how i want it to ..right?
Of course it's a personal preference. That's exactly my point. You liked how it sounded, I didn't. Am I not allowed to tell you that I don't think it sounds nice just because you don't agree? It's my personal preference to not think it flows nicely. You can feel about it however you want. It is, after all, yours.
At least I'm not prowling the forums and popping up with messages like "YOU SUCK LEAVE 4 EVER" or "This art is shit. This poem is shit! You're shit!". I'm taking the time to offer you suggestions for future work and trying to help you improve - as all artists are trying to do. So getting insulted for critisicism is really obnoxious.
Finally, to make this dreadfully clear... I was not saying your poem is bad. Nor was I saying it should be changed. I also was not insulting you personally or your tastes or preferences. I was however, giving my personal opinion on a work that you posted in a public forum. If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but it's not a good reason to insult me or make false assumptions about me. Now please, just learn to accept your criticism - Regardless of whether or not you like it / agree with it - and get on with your life. I'm about ready to get back to mine.
Hope that clears things up.
Final PS: You do know that "rhymes sound forced" means that they sound like they were chosen just because they rhyme, right?
lol when you say "nice attempt" it is saying that i didn't complete whatever i was trying to do, words have meanings and your just trying to change it or something i'm not really sure. what you meant in your headby saying nice attempt, is obviously not what you typed... good job, well done or something to that sort would have worked much better if you were trying to give encouraging words. disagree?
ok, so your trying to improve my "artistic fashion" how? by saying that a line doesn't flow off the tongue nicely and that you think the rhymes are forced? if thats the case, then i don't know what your argueing about, because i only posted why i chose the words that i used.
It's my personal preference to not think it flows nicely. You can feel about it however you want. It is, after all, yours.
this has a double standard, it's my personal preference to let you know that i am happy with what i wrote, and since you were giving "constructive critisism", i felt i should tell you. i gave my honest opinion about you, because you seem like you put yourself on a pedestal to me... if you don't like it, then thats your problem. i did post this on a public forum, but that doesn't mean that i have to just sit there and not reply to anything thats being said about my work, i'm not angry with you, i just disagreed with what you said, i'm going to give you feedback on the feedback you gave me whether you like it or not, its a public forum.
Okay, you're taking this a little off-track here. There's a difference between a person and poem. Mainly, poems do not feel. I don't see why you keep getting insulted by the fact that I didn't like your poem to the extent that you need to criticise me as a person. How would you feel if I just said "you can't write for shit. I can't believe you bothered to call this poetry. You just think you're good, but you suck". Not very good, I'm sure.
what you meant in your headby saying nice attempt, is obviously not what you typed... good job, well done or something to that sort would have worked much better if you were trying to give encouraging words. disagree?
Okay, sorry, this just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I didn't mean "Well done" or "good job" because I didn't think you had done a good job. When I said "attempt" that's what I meant, but not in the way you are taking it. Still don't get it?..
Attempt: An effort made to accomplish something
It doesn't say a failed or incomplete effort. Your work was a nice effort, but in my opinion it wasn't a polished piece of poetry. It was finished, it just didn't seem quite right to me. I'm really trying to make this easy to understand because for the last three or four posts I've been explaining this and you just aren't grasping the concept that I wasn't trying to put down your work. Just give you ideas for the future.
how am i getting off track? i've said since my first reply that i think that you put urself on a pedestal, because of the attempt comment, and the other posts i've read by you. it has nothing to do with the fact that i disagree with your suggestions, get over it.
your saying exactly what i said in one of my posts, attempt= effort which also means not complete... you said nice attempt, nice attempt at what? you left this far too open-ended, it could be taken tons of ways. attempt to write a poem? attempt to ride a pony? attempt to please you? attempt to please your dog? maybe you need to work on your delivery technique... i've also been saying for the past few posts that i know that your giving your opinion, and i am just giving my opinion about your opinion, which is that i don't agree with it...
"i did post this on a public forum, but that doesn't mean that i have to just sit there and not reply to anything thats being said about my work, i'm not angry with you, i just disagreed with what you said, i'm going to give you feedback on the feedback you gave me whether you like it or not, its a public forum."
Okay. It's clear to me now that you just won't be able to understand what I'm trying to tell you. Lost cause. I'm just gonna forget this whole thread now. Look forward to seeing better work from you in the future.
"I have walked the paths; the shadowed roads
that led to terror's breast. I have plumbed the depths of
Hatred's womb and scaled Destruction's crest.
For every secret left unveiled, for every power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained.
'Though I found it, it would leave me - broken, damned and drained.
For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse.
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
-Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's First Law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth.
i liked it alot, very interesting. i wouldnt include only 1 or 2 types of the characters from the game in it though because that tends to show favorism or "who is the better class". i know its generally hard to fit all in and still make it sound good without dragging it out.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Has This Corrupt Chaos Infested Itself In My Soul? Or Has My Soul Been The True Essence Of Corruption All Along.... ----GXAII----
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Driven by a spell
The Forces of Hell,
Rampage their way to the stream.
Driven by right
The Paladins of Light,
Tired of hearing their loved ones scream.
Driven by might
The Warriors of the night,
To Claim some ego within.
But down in the den,
Where none of these men
Would think to see their defeat gleam.
The den of their hearts,
The soon shattered parts.
Too blind to see through the scheme.
Where the real weakness lies,
not armor or knives.
The fall of the good waits...
Patiently till'
The final kill,
Where the will of these men will be tried.
For the end is just the beginning,
The kill bears no true meaning,
Your strength will be surely applied.
Don't wake up the wolves.
It's the decisions you make when you have no time to make them that define who you are.
Siaynoq's Playthroughs
"The flame that burns the most is the light of the eternal human spirit; a beacon of love, justice and peace that will never be extinguished. It will triumph over the forces of darkness and illuminate for the whole world. The true path to freedom, through goodness, faith, hope and Love."
Also, there's a lot of wonky grammar, like
"Driven by might
The Warriors of the night,
To Claim some ego within."
That sounds like the start of one sentence without a proper end and the end to another sentence without a proper beginning. Technically, I can see how it would be gramaticaly sound, but it's really strange and doesn't flow nicely off the tongue.
Work on your delivery technique. The concept here is good, but you need to work on breaking through the rhyming barrier into things that sound right together and make sense aswell / instead.
Nice attempt though.
*the thing or characteristic that "drives" them into the fight*
*who they are*
*what they are fighting for*
the next 2 stanzas and the last 2 stanzas follow the format (as far as rhyming is concerned) the first 2 lines rhyme, the last line rhymes with the last line of the stanza above it. the 3rd to last stanza is kind of the "rogue" stanza, because the last line doesn't follow the same suit as the 2 before and after it.
as far as the story goes, it all makes sense... it's very simple. in the first 3 stanzas i introduce the characters. then in the 4th stanza i vaguely introduce the thing that would defeat them. in the 5th stanza i go begin to describe their defeat, saying that it is not a 'being' who would be their defeat, i figured some people would think i was talking about diablo... thats the way i wanted it. the 6th stanza is there kind of as an introduction to the 7th stanza. 8th stanza is a conclusion, describing the fact that just because you kill the final enemy, diablo, it doesn't garuntee any victory, because diablo can still coerce and corrupt people after death... and then "apply" their strength to continue his plan.
as for the stanza about the warrior, i really dont' understand what ur saying because that sentence makes just as much sense as the other 2, i just substituted words... and i chose to use "within" because i wanted to take a break from the "eem" rhyme, i originally had "To fulfill his childhood dream" in there, but i changed it and i like it.
if i remember correctly, i've read some of your posts and you seem to try to harshly critisize ppl often, i think you have yourself up on some sort of pedestal and you really don't belong up there if your going to point out stupid, inaccurate "mistakes" like you did.
nice "attempt" at being an english teacher though
I wasn't critisizing your english in a acedmic way, but in an artistic fashion. Notice how I said "I can see how it would be gramaticaly sound, but it's really strange and doesn't flow nicely off the tongue"?
Just because the words you used are the prime choices for you doesn't mean that I have to love them. What's the point in posting your work for others to see unless you're willing to hear what they have to say about it. Oh - wait - I get it. You're upset that someone here actually doesn't like what you wrote. I understand. It's tough when you're starting out and people try to help you with constructive criticism. I don't see how I harshly critisize people. I'm just honest and don't sugarcoat what I have to say. If you can't take it, you shouldn't be posting it here.
PS: You yourself said "i know this isn't very good", which I find rather hypocritical and ironic.
PPS: I added at the end of my criticism that I thought you had made a "Nice attempt". So sorry that I offered my honest opinion and an encouraging word at the end. I'll remember to just be a dick to you in the future if that's all I'm going to get back.
When I say "Nice attempt" I'm not saying "Nice attempt at making a poem which you failed at because I don't like it". That is an assumtion - an incorrect one - made by you. What I am saying is "Nice attempt. I didn't personally like it that much, but let's see how your next one is". As for not making an attempt, that's ridiculous. You have to make an attempt to accomplish something. Would it have made that much difference to you if I had said "Nice Accomplishment"? Just because I called it an attempt instead of an accomplishment doesn't automatically insinuate that I think I'm better than you.
(To be honest I don't really understand where your logic is in the conclusion that me calling it an attempt makes me a dick or makes me think I'm better than you... since you yourself said the poem wasn't good...)
Also, let me clarify yet another thing I said which seems too difficult for you to understand clearly. When I said "the words seem forced" I did not mean "the words are forced". I was - once again - saying what I felt about the poem. Just because I think something does not mean it's correct nor does it insinuate that I am correct. It's just my opinion.
Of course it's a personal preference. That's exactly my point. You liked how it sounded, I didn't. Am I not allowed to tell you that I don't think it sounds nice just because you don't agree? It's my personal preference to not think it flows nicely. You can feel about it however you want. It is, after all, yours.
At least I'm not prowling the forums and popping up with messages like "YOU SUCK LEAVE 4 EVER" or "This art is shit. This poem is shit! You're shit!". I'm taking the time to offer you suggestions for future work and trying to help you improve - as all artists are trying to do. So getting insulted for critisicism is really obnoxious.
Finally, to make this dreadfully clear... I was not saying your poem is bad. Nor was I saying it should be changed. I also was not insulting you personally or your tastes or preferences. I was however, giving my personal opinion on a work that you posted in a public forum. If you don't agree with me, that's fine, but it's not a good reason to insult me or make false assumptions about me. Now please, just learn to accept your criticism - Regardless of whether or not you like it / agree with it - and get on with your life. I'm about ready to get back to mine.
Hope that clears things up.
Final PS: You do know that "rhymes sound forced" means that they sound like they were chosen just because they rhyme, right?
ok, so your trying to improve my "artistic fashion" how? by saying that a line doesn't flow off the tongue nicely and that you think the rhymes are forced? if thats the case, then i don't know what your argueing about, because i only posted why i chose the words that i used.
It's my personal preference to not think it flows nicely. You can feel about it however you want. It is, after all, yours.
this has a double standard, it's my personal preference to let you know that i am happy with what i wrote, and since you were giving "constructive critisism", i felt i should tell you. i gave my honest opinion about you, because you seem like you put yourself on a pedestal to me... if you don't like it, then thats your problem. i did post this on a public forum, but that doesn't mean that i have to just sit there and not reply to anything thats being said about my work, i'm not angry with you, i just disagreed with what you said, i'm going to give you feedback on the feedback you gave me whether you like it or not, its a public forum.
Okay, sorry, this just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I didn't mean "Well done" or "good job" because I didn't think you had done a good job. When I said "attempt" that's what I meant, but not in the way you are taking it. Still don't get it?..
It doesn't say a failed or incomplete effort. Your work was a nice effort, but in my opinion it wasn't a polished piece of poetry. It was finished, it just didn't seem quite right to me. I'm really trying to make this easy to understand because for the last three or four posts I've been explaining this and you just aren't grasping the concept that I wasn't trying to put down your work. Just give you ideas for the future.
your saying exactly what i said in one of my posts, attempt= effort which also means not complete... you said nice attempt, nice attempt at what? you left this far too open-ended, it could be taken tons of ways. attempt to write a poem? attempt to ride a pony? attempt to please you? attempt to please your dog? maybe you need to work on your delivery technique... i've also been saying for the past few posts that i know that your giving your opinion, and i am just giving my opinion about your opinion, which is that i don't agree with it...
"i did post this on a public forum, but that doesn't mean that i have to just sit there and not reply to anything thats being said about my work, i'm not angry with you, i just disagreed with what you said, i'm going to give you feedback on the feedback you gave me whether you like it or not, its a public forum."
going to bed, night
Peace.
i still think the best Diablo poem is this one;
The Adept (Initiate, Part II)
"I have walked the paths; the shadowed roads
that led to terror's breast. I have plumbed the depths of
Hatred's womb and scaled Destruction's crest.
For every secret left unveiled, for every power learned,
I'd sell the remnants of my soul, regardless how it burned.
And still I sought a higher wisdom few could have attained.
'Though I found it, it would leave me - broken, damned and drained.
For now I find this power gained is more unto a curse.
My spirit burns with every spell and each irreverent verse.
Despite this strength and knowledge earned, I have paid a heavy toll,
Never should've traded power for my own immortal soul."
----GXAII----