Jokes On The Side

[Ferret]

i just read some other posts, and theyre hilarious, so i think we should have a joke thread to keep them together...

ill start off:
what do you call a guy with no legs and arms in the water? ... bob

[darkjay]

lil cruel but funny

[AcidReign]

BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS

Doctors right here in the U.S. have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%. It's called "wedding cake".

[darkjay]

lol i told my friend that one... hes getting married soon so he plans on throwing the cake away

[Ferret]

whats 12 inches and makes every woman scream? a dead baby (harsh,i know, but i got ya'll haha)

[darkjay]

lol nice
it isnt a joke but ill post it anyway
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood??

A woodchuck could chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
and yess thats the answer hahahaha

[Jaco Wolf]

What did the sign outside the whorehouse say? Beat it. we're closed.

[Jaco Wolf]

Why did the bald guy wear pant with holes in the pockets? So he could run his fingers through his hair

[Jaco Wolf]

How is a thong like a barbed-wire fence? it protects the property without obstructing the view

[Jaco Wolf]

why did God give women a belly button? so theres a place to stick you gum on the way down.

[Jaco Wolf]

Why are there no smart husbands? Smart men dont get married.

[Jaco Wolf]

Sex is like a card game. if you dont have a good partner you better have a good hand

[Jaco Wolf]

did you hear about the woman that went on a fishing trip with five guys? she came back with a big red snapper.

[AcidReign]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

Just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, the husband laughs "I've got
the airbag!"

[Jaco Wolf]

Hmmmm, Red Snapper Very Tasty

[AcidReign]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'...I don't remember much after that!"

[Jaco Wolf]

good joke I never heard that one before

[AcidReign]

Two older women on a bus. There is a younger man way behind them. The one older woman goes to the man and asks if he would like a handful of peanuts.

Man: Yes I would. Thank you

Later the woman goes back to the man to see if he would like another handful of peanuts. The man says yes.

Later again, the woman goes to the man and asks if he would like another handful of peanuts.

Man: yes, but let me ask you something. If you don't like the peanuts, why do you buy them.

Woman: We just like the chocolate coating.

[Jaco Wolf]

that was good too

[AcidReign]

My wife left me.

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to

cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big

drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the

other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt

and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and

you haven't given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

[AcidReign]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[Jaco Wolf]

"She'd planned on a murder-suicide" said the relived widower. "Fortunately she suffered from dyslexia"

[SilVerSurFnStud]

haha these are all pretty funny

[AcidReign]

One day, a man and wife went to a nudist beach with their son. The son went in the lake, went underwater and came back up. He ran over to his father and said, "Daddy, all those men's pee-pees are bigger than yours." The father replied, "Well, they say the bigger the pee-pee, the dumber the person." So the boy went wandering for a while, and came back and asked his mother, "Mommy, all those ladies' boobies are bigger than yours." She replied, "Well, they say the bigger the boobies, the dumber they are." So the boy went wandering for awhile and then went back to his mother and said, "Mommy, Daddy's talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the more he talks, the dumber he gets!"

[Jaco Wolf]

Why did cavemen drag women by the hair on their head? If you drag them by their feet, they fill up with mud.

[Jaco Wolf]

Why did the loose cowgirl get fired? she couldn't keep her calves together.

[Jaco Wolf]

What do Jessica Simpson and President George W. Bush Have in common They're both from Texas, they're both under constant press scutiny, and they both have no clue whats going on in Iraq.

[Jaco Wolf]

Kids in backseats dont cause accidents. Accidents in backseat cause kids

[darkjay]

hey thats mine, and u got it wrong lol
kids in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause kids.

sex is like math, subtract the clothes, add the couch, divide the legs, and hope the hell you dont multiply

[Jaco Wolf]

hahahahahahahahahahaha

[Maestro]

These jokes are hilarious....good going guys

[Obsolete_hi]

A guy in on a beach laying naked with a towel covering his genitals. A kid walks by and asks the guy what is under the towel. The guy tells the kid, "It is my pet bird, now leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep."

The guy wakes up with the kid standing next to him and sirens approaching fast. He looks down and see blood all over. He asks the kid what happened and the kid tells him.

" Well, after you fell asleep I decided to play with your bird and while I was, it spit at me so I bit off its head, crushed its eggs, and burned its nest."

[Maestro]

Thats nasty.....

Here's one:

One night a woman and her husband are having sex when their four year old son walks in and asks his mum what she is doing. She turns around and says 'Oh, I'm just flattening the air out of your father's stomach'. to which the child replies, 'I don't know why you bother, because when you go to work the lady from next door comes over and blows it back up again!'

[darkjay]

lmfao hahaha... i cant post a joke after reading that one lol

[Ferret]

what does a turtle and a blonde have in common?
when they're on their back, they're both fuc*ed

[AcidReign]

http://www.95thriflesclan.com/themes/HeliusGray/forums/images/spacer.gif

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These Men Have
Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking, and Help With
Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These
Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework,
and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just
across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Ferret]

rofl xD its hilarious

[AcidReign]

The Anniversary Gift:

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something
in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in
the driveway. Hoping it was a sports car key, she brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

[AcidReign]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment. So today I was going to come home too and catch them. Well, I got there and burst in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy, to think he could hide from me!

Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die.

In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see a man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate.

"Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"OK. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

[Morfias]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Morfias]

little boy : mummy is god a girl or a boy?

mummy: why god is both girl and boy

little boy: mummy is god black or white?

mummy: why god is both black and white

little boy: mummy is god gay or strait?

mummy: why god is both gay and strait

little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

[Morfias]

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[AcidReign]

Hahaha... Lovin' it Morfias!

[Morfias]

what women would do if they had a penis for a day10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common

[Morfias]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."


Lifetime SavingsA small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

[Morfias]

Check your Dirty IQ!Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really! Just what were you thinking?

American BeerThis guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers.. you should try drinking Guinness.

That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man, "but I've got the wife on American beer!"

[Morfias]

One day Pinnochio walks in to Gipetto's shop and tells him that he's having problems with his girlfriend.

Gipetto: What's wrong Pinnochio?

Pinnchio: Well when me and her have sex i give her splinters.

Gipetto: Here's a file, this should make everything better.

Pinnochio comes back a while later looking very happy.

Gipetto: I'm guessing it worked and you and your girlfriend are fine?

Pinnochio: No she dumped me but, who needs a girlfriend when you've got a file.

[Obsolete_hi]

A guy gets on a bus and sees this really hot nun. The guy decides he wants to have sex with this nun but does not know how to get her to do it. The nun exits the bus, so the guy decides to ask the bus driver for a little help. He asks the bus driver how he could have sex with that nun and the bus driver replies,
"Every night she goes to this statue of Jesus and prays....All you will have to do is dress up as Jesus and demand sex."
The guy thought he was crazy but he decides to try it any way.

That night he goes to the statue dressed up as Jesus even wearing a Halo. Sure enough he saw the nun on her knees praying to Jesus, so he jumps out and says,
" I am Jesus and I demand you have sex with me!"

The nun replies,"Since I am your follower I can not have sex with you, but I can have anal sex, as this is not the same."

The guy shrugs and takes it. Afterwards he felt so bad and he decided to show the nun he wasn't Jesus, so he throws off his costum and says,

"Ha Ha! I am not Jesus and you had sex with me."

The nun takes off her costum and says, " Ha Ha! I am not a nun, I'm the bus driver!"

[darkjay]

hahaha nice

[HellMaster]

why the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky?
because if it were invented anywhere else it would be called TEETH BRUSH!

[AcidReign]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Ken accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick
them up, he noticed Ron's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Ken upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head
on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Ken went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Ron's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Ken courageously admitted that, well
indeed he did.

She said, " Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs
of this offer, Ken confirms that he is interested. She tells him that
since her husband Ron works Friday afternoons and Ken doesn't, Ken
should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Ken showed up at Ron's house at 2 p.m.
sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction, as agreed. Ken quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Ron came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the
house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did Ken come by the house this
afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did
stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And
did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after
mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
$500."

Ron, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by
saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. Ken came by the office this morning
and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Ferret]

that ones pretty smart. ill try that one sometime ^^

[AcidReign]

http://www.95thriflesclan.com/themes/HeliusGray/forums/images/spacer.gifA man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

"Where should I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

[Obsolete_hi]

One night this guy had to take a shit. His bathroom toilet was broken, it didn't have water. The guy decides to try and hold it because the next bath room is on the 1st floor, which was to far for him to make it. Well he is looking around to see if he had anything to take a crap in and spots a white pillow case in his dirty clothes pile. Well he decides to use it and he lets off this huge load of crap in to it. He sets it to the side. Later that night he can not bare the smell of it so he tosses it out of his window. The next morning he over hears a conversation between two old men. The old man said, "You will not believe what happened last night. I was watching TV and a ghost flew by my window, so I went outside to see if I could find it. I did find it and I beat the shit out of it with my cane."

[Encryption]

these are great im rolling on the floor about to die from punctured lugs cause my ribs cracked from laughing so hard

[Obsolete_hi]

So the other day my friend was saying while he was driving a cooler fell off the back of this truck. He stopped and looked in the cooler and saw a human toe on ice. I asked him what did he do with it. He told me he called the tow truck.

[katael]

ummm either that was lame, or im to stupid to understand it...

[Obsolete_hi]

You have to be drunk to get it :P

[Obsolete_hi]

And its lame.

[katael]

i dont get drunk... cant afford the alchohol...used it all on my pc...oh well

[darkjay]

lol thats a sad joke.... but still kinda funny... im half high from tar fumes lol

[Corn Flakes]

Why are ET's eyes so big?

Cause he seen the phone bill!!!

[Corn Flakes]

I might of posted that one before but its funny enough for a 2nd run

[Ferret]

no offense to any mexicans, i just think the joke is funny.
what do you call a mexican with no arms and legs? thrustworthy...
what do you call a mexican in the pilots seat of an airplane? a pilot, you racist. lol, these always get me when im drunk...

[Corn Flakes]

what do you call a mexican in the pilots seat of an airplane? a pilot, you racist

Don't really get that one, or i if i get it, its not funny

[Encryption]

what do you call white people running down a hill?avalanche
what do you call black people running down a hill?mudslide
what do you call mexicans running down a hill?jail break

and just to be clear i am NOT racist in any way i just thought it was funny as hell

[darkjay]

lmfao these are funny as hell

[darkjay]

Husband Wanted


A lonely 80 year old woman decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she
opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really
asking
me to consider you,are you?

Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in
bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile
and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"








Noah in 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be
coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane
to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an
environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of
the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only
Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish
this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

============
============






From the WordPerfect Help Desk

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
==================
==================




E-Mail Errors..


It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.
============
============



For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone -- don't take it out on someone you know. Take
it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

He replied "Wrong number a**hole" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed
the last two digits of her phone number.) After hanging up with her, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and I hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'a**hole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this
is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with the caller ID program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the
spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had
been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"
sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his
number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a**hole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my
speed dial.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. But after several
weeks of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea: I called A**hole #1. "Hello?" You're an
a**hole!" (but I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you? " he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A**hole, a yellow house with my black
BMW parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."

Then I called a**hole # 2: "Hello?" he said.

"Hello A**hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are ..."

"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**!!!," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew.

Now, I feel better ...

Masquerading as a normal person, day after day, is exhausting ...
=========

[killing demon556]

How do you know which mexican is the richest? you throw a penny and see who catches it first. (kinda harsh and racist i know. im not racist just to let everyone know.)

[Jarhead89]

hey thats mine, and u got it wrong lol
kids in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause kids.

sex is like math, subtract the clothes, add the couch, divide the legs, and hope the hell you dont multiply

darkjay you left out the most important bit!

sex is like math, subtract the clothes, add the couch, divide the legs, give her a square root and hope to hell you dont multiply!

:D

[Jarhead89]

Don't really get that one, or i if i get it, its not funny

i think the point of the joke was you expected the answer to be something racist like 'hijacker' or something along those lines but instead the answer was just 'a pilot', which is exactly what he is. thus, the 'you racist' at the end, becuase you expected a racist answer (as with all jokes that start with 'what do you call a [insert race here]....etc etc) but simply got the truth.

i think?!?!!?

[killing demon556]

this is funny. go here and read it. great way to learn chinese!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/553/Learn+Chinese+Easy/

[PhrozenDragon]

Those were real nice darkjay. I especially liked the computer one, real stories are always more fun :D

[Ferret]

this is funny. go here and read it. great way to learn chinese!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/553/Learn+Chinese+Easy/

LOL funny actually. it did look chinese when looking at it straight too:)

[Ferret]

Some minor Chuck Norris Facts:
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.