jokes (if you have any funny ones, POST HERE)

[fbim4]

so heres a joke for all of you polish fans in the world cup....


so Brazil and Poland arrive at a game and brazil relizes that there was a mix up and all the jerseys said "Ronaldinho". But ronaldinho says "ahh.. what the hell! ill play the game and you guys just go get a drink." So brazil goes to get a drink and leaves ronaldinho as their only player.

while the brazilian team is at the bar, they get informed that in the 20th minute brazil scores so its 1-0. they guys get happy and then go back to there drinks. then, in the 82nd minute, poland equilizes and it becomes 1-1 and then the game ends. the brazilian team goes to ronaldinho and say "why couldnt you keep them from scoring?". then ronaldinho replies "hey i tried! but i got a red card in the 50th minute!"

[download2nd]

Hai

Hello Mr. Fbim4

what is the red card?????????????????

[download2nd]

jokes (if you have any funny ones, POST HERE)

Hello mr. fbim4 what r u talking
what is your matter please explame this matter

[Lancelot]

hahaha... pretty funny fbim4 :D

[Lancelot]

here's a funny one :P

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

"Dave.....
Dave.....
Dave, you sick bastard
You're a vet."

[Arby]

THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY


Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good : Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer

Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you

Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them

Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them

Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you

Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections

Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend

Good : Your daughter got a new job
Bad : As a hoooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[darkjay]

lol

Back in the 18th century thier was this french warship, one morning the lookout spotted and enemy ship on the horizon. The captain said to his assistant, "bring me my red shirt", so the battle goes on and they end up sinking the ship. The assistant asks the captian why he had him bring his red shirt, he replys "if i am shot, the crew wont see me bleed and they will continue to fight." So the next day the lookout see's 20 enemy ships on the horizon. The captain says to his assistant, "bring me my brown pants."

[Kewterz]

lmao arby that was great

[fbim4]

arby.... that was hilarious! i printed it out and i showed it to my girlfriend. she thinks that its also hilarious

[XxX_Fury_XxX]

he's one

a blonde was driving down the road and glaces to the right and notices another blonde rowing in the nearby field with no water in sight(using a rowboat).she quikly stops the car and yells at the blond

"it is poeple like u that make other poeple call us blonds names, if i could SWIM i would go over there and kick ur ass"

[XxX_Fury_XxX]

hehehe i might have said it wrong but it is funny
muhahaha
peace...

[Arby]

Not really a joke, but more of a guide for all you people out there with a loverly lady.

There are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband/boyfriend

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty quid.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate

[Opus Dei]

So this 80 year old guy goes to the doctor and he cant help himself but brag, "my 20 year old wife is pregnant."

the doctor looks at him and says well i have a story for you. my grandpa went out hunting and when he got to the lake he noticed that he forgot to bring his gun, so not wanting to waste the trip he picks up a stick. shortly thereafter he sees a beaver on a rock, and he points the stick at it makes two bang bang noises and the beaver falls over dead.

the old man replies sounds like someone else pump a couple of rounds into that beaver.

the doctor smiles and says, "my point exactly"

[Opus Dei]

Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?














A: because he knows where all the naugthy girls live.

[darkjay]

hehe heres a bad one
2 blonds walk into a building... you would think atleast one would see the building

[darkjay]

by bad i mean not that good

[Arby]

An old couple decided to relive their honey moon. So off they went to the place where they spent a passionate 2 weeks in their youth. "husband," said the old wife, "do you remember when we made love up on the top of that hill?"
"Yes I do wife. It was the most romantic thing that happened to me"
"Do you want to try it again husband?" asked the wife. The husband nodded and off they went to the top of the hill. The scenery was perfect: the setting sun, the sound of waves crashing on the beach below. "Take me husband, take me now!" said the wife. And so it began again for the second time. The wife started to moan and groan: "oh husband, it wasn't like this before!"
"i know," said the husband "there wasn't any electrical fence last time!"

[darkjay]

that brings up a good story.. err question
did any1 else pee on an electric fence???

[fbim4]

well... this isnt exactly a joke.

i wonder what duriel does when nobody is attacking. i mean does he stare at the wall or something and turiel in the room tight after him. how long did he stay there? i bet it was more than a day...

[Lancelot]

darkjay: No. Did you? Isn't it an urban legend that you get electrocuted if you pee on an electric fence. I'm pretty sure they proved that it doesn't work on Mythbusters. :)

[Morfias]

Dead PussyAn old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

what men would do if they had a vagina for a day10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
what women would do if they had a penis for a day10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[darkjay]

lol nice one... and if u get close enough to the fence it does zap you... the fence was turned down low because he had a baby calf in thier... it felt funny lol

[Morfias]

Well if you've seen CKY2K i think it was where Chris Raab pisses on the fence...it looks like it hurts. So we decided not to try it and maybe still have children one day.

Edit/Although i wonder what would happen if a girl were to piss on a fence. Could be pretty interesting.

[darkjay]

hehe that would be funny... it didnt hurt, more of a funny tingly fealing

[fbim4]

here's the best blonde joke that kicks all the other ones's ass


so a blonde, redhead, and a black haired woman are running away from a farmer. up ahead they see a barn so they run in there. INside they see three big ass potato sacks so they all jump in a seperate one.

then the farmer goes in the barn and sees the 3 "full" potato sacks so he walks over to the one with the black haired woman and he kicks it and the black haired woman says

"MEOW!"

and the farmer says "stupid cat". He walks over to the one with the redhead and kicks it and the redhead says

"WOF"

an the farmer says "stupid dog" and then he walks over to the one with the blonde and kicks it and the blonde says

"po... ta.... to...."

[Zubin]

Is this thread old or new? Because there are several jokes threads and we should really merge them to one.

[Siaynoq]

Here's my joke....

Who is the kind of person that loves resurrecting his own threads for some reason even though there are plenty of other new threads to post, leaving us to believe he thinks his threads are that much more worthwhile and important?

Give up?

[Zubin]

I know, I know!

Is it someone named, Sianoq? xD

[Siaynoq]

What the hell does xD mean? Take your teen speak somewhere else. And no, it wasn't me. But I'm ashamed of myself for even dignifying your guess with a response.

[Zubin]

Man, this is a jokes thread and that was meant for laughs. :(

You're rude.

xD?

Tilt your head to the left and then see, its a man laughing with closed eyes.

[Siaynoq]

Unfortunately, there is no emoticon to express how I feel toward you.

[Zubin]

:(.


I really don't want one to be there.

[Lemming]

how come roosters dont have any hands?

cause hen's have no tits

[Murderface]

then why dont hens have hands?

[Zubin]

Cuz roosters aren't 'cocks'

[Stonebreaker]

Tell me if you guys like these.


A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

BAD DAY

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Murderface]

thats actually pretty funny

[Stonebreaker]

I got another one but it is a little dirty, but very funny.




The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[Zubin]

Lol, nice but this thread makes me mad.

[Stormcat]

Lol - Good ones Stony!:D

[Zubin]

This one is for the people who understand :

"I want a divorce!" boomed the loud Texas oilman. "That wife of mine ain't acting right"


"Well J.P.," said the lawyer, "A wife is like your oil rigs, you have to take care of it and treat it well."


"But still, I should still get certain drilling rights."

[Stormcat]

Towards the end of the golf round, Bernie hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every Buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...... she was gone!

After Bernie recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Bob, where are you?" Bob yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Bernie shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Bob; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

[Zubin]

ROFLMAO Stormy, never expected that. :D

[Stonebreaker]

That was hilarious Stormy.:D

[Kentalicious]

this is a long one hehe

There was a husband and a wife. they were going to go to a costume party but she didnt feel to good so the husband went without her. a couple hours later the wife felt a bit better and decided to go to the party and her husband didnt know what her costume was but she knew what he was dressed up as. when she got to the party she saw her husband flirting to a lot of girls.. she felt curious and went over to him to have some fun. she started flirting with him and after a while her husband whispered somthing in her ear. then they left and went outside it was dark.. they went into the husbands car and after about 20 minutes of banging they were about to take off there costumes.. then wife sliped out and went home. she pretended to still be stick to trick her husband... he finally got home and the wife said "So honey how was the party?" the husband said "it was alright Burt and Frank were there" she said "Thats nice" then the husband says... "You should have seen the guy I gave my costume to!"

[Zubin]

lol, good one there Kentalicious.

Though i feel like posting some. I'm too lazy at the moment, and tired.

[Kentalicious]

some old school ones f word in it

So this german guy moves to Canada and doesnt know much English and he goes to a bakery and askes for a bum the person at the till says "ohh you must mean a bun" then he goes to a gardining store and asks somone "I would like to buy a fucket" the till person says"a fucket you must mean a bucket" then he goes to pet store and says " I would like to buy a cock and spanket" the person at the till says "a cock and spank it you must mean a cockerspanial" then on the way back to his house the dog runs away.. he goes to the police station and says "Hold my bum and fucket well i go find my cock and spank it"

[Stonebreaker]

(tell me i you like this)A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[Kentalicious]

LOL thats mean lol...

heres some moma jokes and blonde jokes hehe cuz i cant think of any others atm

How does a blond kill a fish? she drowns it
How does a blond kill a bird? she throws it of a cliff
How does a blond kill a worm? she burrys it alive
how do you a blond was at a computer? theres whiteout all over the screen
how does a blond kill a mummy? she just goes to the bathroom

some moma jokes now

Your mother is so fat she fell in love and Broke it
Your mother is so tiny she commited suicide of a curb
Your mother's glasses are so thick when she looks at a map she sees people waveing
Your mother is so poor when i saw her kicking a can i asked what she was doing she said she was moving
Your mother is so poor when i saw her climbing into a carboard box i asked her what she was doing she said she was moving in
Your mother is so fat that when she walked passed me I missed the Diablo3 realese
Your mother is so fat when she jumps for joy she got stuck

all i can think of lol

[Chaosdragon94]

Your family so poor that when they went to the park, pigeons threw bread at them.

[Kentalicious]

lol nice
your family is so stupid they each triped eachother once and said they had a nice trip

[Chaosdragon94]

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.
"Open the fucking safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".
"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your fucking head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.
"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"
"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband...
"Not that fucking difficult is it?" he says

[Kentalicious]

lol man thats mean

[Chaosdragon94]

Best joke I've ever heard in my life.

[whiteghost21]

omg that was great chaos

[LinkX]

Lol. Ok I got a few.

Religous:
Q. How many Druids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Thirteen. One to hold the bulb and twelve to drink untill the room spins.

Q. What's a witches favorite snack?
A. PAN pizza!

Q. How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Sorry, that's a Third Degree secret.
A. (In a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know... initiate?"

Q. How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A. ...

A bumper sticker says: "Sorry that my karma ran over your dogma."


Redneck Jokes:

You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and you still have the same inlaws.

You might be a redneck if you think TACO BELL is a mexican phone company.

You might be a redneck if you got stopped by a state trooper. He asked you if you had an I.D. and you said, 'Bout What?'

You might be a redneck if you think Possum is "The Other White Meat."

You might be a redneck if you think a quarter horse is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

You might be a redneck if you think safe sex is a padded headboard.

[Zubin]

Chaos, best one till now, ROFLMAO!!!

[Blades11]

There is a small family sitting down at the table for breakfast. A dad, two little boys and a mom. The mom is cooking breakfast for the family.

First the mother ask the first son, "what would you like for breakfast?"
Son #1 replies "I’ll have some Fuckin french toast"
Mom replies, "what did you just say to me?"
Son replies #1 "I’ll have some Fuckin french toast"
AFter that the mom begins to smack the son senseless while his dad takes off his belt. After this mom is done smacking him, the dad begins to lay into him with his belt. This carries on for a good 5 minuites, and then the son is sent to his room.

After the two parents compose themselves, the dad sits back down at the table with the other son. Then the mom goes up to the other son and asks him "what you would like for breakfast sweety?"

Son #2 replies "Well, I sure dont want the Fuckin french toast".

I've always liked this one.

[Zubin]

Lol, i can assure that the second brother was younger.

[Doppelganger]

Why did the chicken cross the street?

[Zubin]

To get to his home on the other side.

[Doppelganger]

Oh, ok .

[Zubin]

Or maybe to get to the Tavern. I never really saw the chick there though.

[Siaynoq]

I'm closing this thread for crappy joke reasons. But you guys are free to start a new joke thread in the spam section.